A friend of mine had a little girl 4 weeks ago. We have a small hospy here with minimal supplies. The only pain relief we have here are gas & morphine. Anything stronger you need to travel about an hour for.
Anyway, she planned on going into hossy early so she could 'have the drugs'. She went in early, but they told her to go home a bit longer. 2 hours later she went back & 4ish hours later baby was born. In the end she didn't use anything at all. No gas, or morphine.
I was happy for her...til she said today that thats the biggest regret she has That she didn't have the drugs. I asked didn't she feel proud that she did without? But, no, she hates that she felt everything. She didn't tear or have stitches, I know feeling a tear isn't pleasent, coz I felt it with DD2! I'm confused. I know we have different views on alot of these sort of things, but if you can do it, why not be proud of what you've acheived?
Wow, she did such a fantastic job, it's a bit sad that she's not proud of herself. Maybe she needs to be congratulated a bit more on a great job for her to see it that way!
I guess though that it's hard for her to see how well she's done if she had other ideas about what to expect and what she wanted. I hope she can look back and see what a fantastic job she did and what a wonderful achievement to do it all drug-free. Or at least be reconciled to it anyway.
Wow i can't believe she wouldn't be proud of herself... the first thing i say to people is I HAD A DRUG FREE BIRTH and no-one cares cos they think i had no choice as DD1 was born on the bathroom floor but with DD2 i was in hosp and chose not too, sure as hell it hurts but i was so so proud i got through that horrid pain without pain relief and she should think of it as an accomplishment not a regret.
Any chance you could maybe send her a little card or even a small gift just to say how 'proud' you are of her for getting through without it?
I dunno. She's not the type. As my mum put it, she's not much of a 'mum' iykwim.
She's put baby on FF already coz she's sick of being the only one to feed her. She wants everyone else to be able to deal with her. (And thats the only reason) & she plans to go back to work soon (like, in about a month), even though she really doesn't have to. She's always had her mum do everything. Come watch the baby so she can go pay the bills or do the shopping. Even though her mum is 60 & works hard cleaning a motel.
She's just not a nurturing as some I guess.
What a shame, sounds like she had a birth that most women would dream of (natural and without pain relief), if only she realised the gift she has received and how truly wonderful it is... child birth is meant to be painful but after the fact and once you see that baby it's an easy pain to forget (until next time atleast ), i only wish she knew... massive to your friend and lets hope all goes well for you and you can show her what it's like to be a proud pain free mumma
I can understand why some feel dishearted when the birth has turned out opposite to what was intended (ie wanted natural ended up in c/s)....But I've never really thought about when a birth doesnt turn out the way a mother intended due to lack of intervention, IYKWIM?
Lol, I did the last 2 with no pain relief & intend to do the same this time. I certainly don't regret it!
I also have babies to care for my babies. I really think she only had this one to keep her DP & family happy. Well thats the feeling I'm starting to get anyway. She seems happy, like no pnd or anything, but she's different to first time around. She just doesn't see why the baby should be solely her responsibility I guess. Even though her DP has taken over everything else, on top of working so she can just worry about the baby. I mean everything. He cooks dinner, gets DD1 up & ready for school & takes her in, cleans, washes. Everything. What he can't do, her mum does. What I'd give for half the support she has!
ETA - Thats what I think Leesa. It just doesn't make sence to me. But I think maybe she feels that there is no need to go through all that when you don't have to. Maybe she did ask & they denied her & thats the problem.
I guess you could really appreciate how someone would be upset if their birth plan was for no drugs and they ended up with an epidural. Just turn it around - she had prepared for the labour and confronted her fears with the comfort of knowing she'd have the various drugs to help with the pain. I didn't have gas but a lot of women have said it helped give them something to concentrate on and to ignore the pain. So really, for her, her birth didn't follow the birth plan and she'd be feeling kinda ripped-off. If someone did have an epi and didn't want any drugs, then what would you be saying - "you did your best, and it's unfortunate you ended up with the epi".
Turn it around - "i know you were planning on morphine / gas but it was such a quick labour, it's a shame that giving you morphine would have had bad consequences for the baby that soon to delivery, I guess they weren't quick enough with the gas" and help her with those feelings - maybe with some time and getting those feelings of regret out, she'll realise what a huge feat she's achieved and be proud of it.
You said you don't think it's pnd but I don't know if I woulddiscount that yet. After reading the posts I can see how she may have been anxious to have another baby maybe memory of first labor feeling overwhelmed to have 2 kids and then her way of dealing with the anxiety of the labor was taken away from her she may be feeling some resentment towards either her family or even the babe (even though it had no say in it) sounds crazy but depression can be
Every mum, mothers different.. maybe you firned doesnt have the confidence in herself to believe she could do it. She wanted drugs because she didnt believe she could do it naturally no pain relief (yes she did but you wernt in the room with her during labour so you cant say how she was acting there)
and with her parenting a baby isnt just soley her responsibility, so she right in feeling that.
She may just not think her parenting is 100% therefor leans on her support network?
I dunno. I think its just her. I'm 99% sure there's no depression. I know it shows in different forms, but she's ok in every other way.
She isn't hung up on it so much, just regrets not getting it. When we were talking the other night & I said that I have a fear of ending up with a c/s, she actually said that she'd rather have that choice instead of having 'down there' ruined
She said herself, she's just not really the mothering type. She wants to get back to work asap. Sitting home with a baby doesn't appeal to her at all.
Yes, she has every right to rely on her family for support, but she just over does it. I spoke to the health nurse about her first baby, coz she had hardly left the house at all at 6 month old (by that I mean literally probably 3 times for what ever dr appointments she had etc) & was left just sitting in front of the tv in a rocker all day.
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What would you think?
That she didn't have the drugs. I asked didn't she feel proud that she did without? But, no, she hates that she felt everything. She didn't tear or have stitches, I know feeling a tear isn't pleasent, coz I felt it with DD2!
I'm confused. I know we have different views on alot of these sort of things, but if you can do it, why not be proud of what you've acheived?
and no-one cares cos they think i had no choice as DD1 was born on the bathroom floor but with DD2 i was in hosp and chose not too, sure as hell it hurts but i was so so proud i got through that horrid pain without pain relief and she should think of it as an accomplishment not a regret.
), i only wish she knew... massive
to your friend and lets hope all goes well for you and you can show her what it's like to be a proud pain free mumma
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