I never expected this. What would you do?

[FabFiona]

I think sleeping on it is very sensible.

Have you thought about getting your DH to talk to his brother? In my relationship, DH deals with his family and I deal with mine. While he's part of my family of course, I set the tone and take the lead on any 'issues' and same for him with his family. This scenario would definitely come into this category.

Your DH could possibly explore this a bit with his brother. As long as you trust him not to sell you up the river, this could be a way to resolve this.

Completely crap scenario. Hope you are doing ok.

[MLR1901]

So then let your DS cry while in church or at the reception (he'll be hungry right?) and the first dirty look you get, just say loudly 'oh it's because the bride asked me not to BF him, in public!'
I'm just good ol spiteful!!
There is no clear right or wrong, just more what is really the reason she asked and what will the price be if you don't 'comply'!!

We have an extended family member who when BF, would just literally pull out her b oo b and feed. There was no actual issue of her BFing but more the way she went about it. It would always be in front of older male family members who certainly weren't involved back in their day with their child's births let alone allow BFing public! And some of the older makes were quite unsavory characters, who would degrade her as soon as she turned her back, (not saying its right) and also made her DH, FIL and Brothers uncomfortable. (They actually had to ask her to be more discreet)

Maybe this bride's family have had someone like that!

[Jellyfish]

I wouldnt go. It is too much of a compromise of my ideals.

[wysiwyg]

In your shoes I would do what Misty suggests in option 2 - maybe adding in somehow about her trusting you to feed in whatever manner will cause least disruption to the day because you do understand it is her day.

What a truly awful situation to be put in - my DS is similar age and often will go a whole day without feeding but when he wants it, he wants it. Even if he didn't feed on that day it would make the whole thing feel uncomfortable to me - it would make me feel really uncomfortable being there (me feeling tense is a sure fire way to make him want a feed too).

I really think that it is very bridezilla - and is a case of her completely over-thinking it, but can't believe she has been prepared to put your relationship in jeopardy by asking it. Do you know if your BIL even knows about it?

[LizLemon]

Ok so I've thought some more on this and really this problem has got nothing at all to do with breastfeeding. No reasonable, enlightened and understanding of laws person is going to tell you anything other than it is your right to breastfeed your child whenever, whereever and however you see fit. You know that your future SIL is wrong for asking you what she has - hell, I'm sure SHE knows that she is wrong.

Really it comes down to how much you value the relationship, and whether you are willing to compromise. I completely understand that you feel targeted and offended, I would feel terrible if I'd received that message. and yes the way she chose to deliver it was poor form and probably a sad indictment of the way we communicate today.

But if you value the relationship then regardless of the fact that you are 100% right, you can always choose to follow her request. Unfortunately though you will probably always hold some resentment towards her and the way she has done it.

It's a really silly and somewhat immature thing that she has asked, and TBH before I had kids I probably wouldn't have had any idea of how serious an issue it was. It would be worth discussing it with her gently to try to understand where she is coming from and get her to understand your perspective. And if she doesn't budge then you can choose to be stand your ground to protect your beliefs (and possibly the well-being of your child) or yield to save the relationship, as long as it is what is best for you.

Re the offending/not offending people, regardless of our rights, I'm sure we all refrain from things that we have a right to do but don't do because they will make people uncomfortable. I don't BF in front of my dad, who is very supportive of my BF, but just doesn't want to see me doing it. I don't passionately snog my DH in front of my parents because it will make them uncomfortable.. Noone would ever dispute my right to do these things, and not doing them doesn't compromise my rights or beliefs, it's just being sensitive to the (right or wrong) beliefs/comfort levels of people I care about.

[nothing2lose]

Good grief. Seems to me that a church is God's house and I'm pretty sure He loves breastfeeding (that's why He gave us boobs after all).

Furthermore, being old doesn't give people an excuse to be ignorant. If one her old relatives didn't like mixed race relationships and your partner was a different race to you, would she ask you not to bring him? Or if another member of th family was gay and someone didn't like that, would they be excluded?

Me, I'd go and feed my child when he required it. I would also seek out the photographer and make sure s/he got a shot of me feeding. That would be my special EFF YOU to the bride in answer to her DO NOT caps.

[chody47]

Ok so I've thought some more on this and really this problem has got nothing at all to do with breastfeeding. No reasonable, enlightened and understanding of laws person is going to tell you anything other than it is your right to breastfeed your child whenever, whereever and however you see fit. You know that your future SIL is wrong for asking you what she has - hell, I'm sure SHE knows that she is wrong.

Really it comes down to how much you value the relationship, and whether you are willing to compromise. I completely understand that you feel targeted and offended, I would feel terrible if I'd received that message. and yes the way she chose to deliver it was poor form and probably a sad indictment of the way we communicate today.

But if you value the relationship then regardless of the fact that you are 100% right, you can always choose to follow her request. Unfortunately though you will probably always hold some resentment towards her and the way she has done it.

It's a really silly and somewhat immature thing that she has asked, and TBH before I had kids I probably wouldn't have had any idea of how serious an issue it was. It would be worth discussing it with her gently to try to understand where she is coming from and get her to understand your perspective. And if she doesn't budge then you can choose to be stand your ground to protect your beliefs (and possibly the well-being of your child) or yield to save the relationship, as long as it is what is best for you.

Re the offending/not offending people, regardless of our rights, I'm sure we all refrain from things that we have a right to do but don't do because they will make people uncomfortable. I don't BF in front of my dad, who is very supportive of my BF, but just doesn't want to see me doing it. I don't passionately snog my DH in front of my parents because it will make them uncomfortable.. Noone would ever dispute my right to do these things, and not doing them doesn't compromise my rights or beliefs, it's just being sensitive to the (right or wrong) beliefs/comfort levels of people I care about.

I totally agree with this.

[Kazzo]

I would be ****ed to be asked that too. My reply would be that Altough it is your one special day, My son needing to be fed comes first above all and if he happens to need feeding in the church then I will feed him. If he needs to be fed at the reception I will fed him and I will do it the way I always fed him.

[OceanPrincess]

Judging by her message, I believe she's using 'older relatives' as a cover for her not wanting you to BF a toddler at her wedding. I'd go as far as to say I'd bet this message would never have been written if your son was a newborn. Which, really, says a lot about her as a person if that's the case.

I reckon this might be the case. Either that or she is communicating a perceived offense. What sort of older relative would ring a bride and say "hey you know that SIL of yours, yeah if she breastfeeds it's going to offend me. Ask her to cover up please." it's more likely that she just thinks that her Great-Gran doesn't want to see it.

I think a discussion is required. Face to face.

Little bit off topic, but someone mentioned how she's probably uncomfortable with the whole discussion, which is why she's gone the Facebook message route. I really don't like how technology seems to be enabling a level of candor that is bordering on rude. If you aren't prepared to say face to face, looking the other person in the eye, what you are about to put into a text message, email or Facebook message, then maybe you shouldn't be sending that message.

[~Raven~]

Wow! I'd have to ask her if she intends on wearing a low cut dress or a neck high number. Also will she have shawls on hand for other women folk who are flashing a bit of boob. Especially for the likes of Aunt Doris who always has a good 6 inches of wrinkly cleavage on display

[jellybean88]

I don't even think I would have even thought about something like that on my wedding day maybe someone said something to her

Either way its her day, it's one day I would just go along with it for the sake if getting along considering she would probably be in your family for a long time

[sepata]

Firstly, what religion is she?

She's catholic and the ceremony is in a Catholic Church. The reception, however, is in a hotel function room.

I agree with talking to her face to face - as nervous as I may be to do it!!

[Sagres]

I think you can only take the request on face value, you may have suspicions about her or her relatives motives but unless you have some evidence I think you probably need to assume the request is exactly that, a way of trying to keep the old opinionated rellies (who has has lived with for a long time and will continue to) happy, albeit to the detriment of some one she has know only a short time.

I don't know, I would be pretty miffed at the message but I would just do what I've done for weddings or accountants appointments or long distance car trips or at a mummy and me dance class for an older child or a multitude of other things where feeding a demand fed baby is not convenient (for me!) or not easy to achieve or not what I want/need to be focusing at that point in time....I'd just try and time things so a feed doesn't or is less likely to occur in that space of time. Feed a bit early or juggle something around to make it work. If I am at a wedding of some one special to me I want to be there focusing on the ceremony and the people and the occasion so if that can happen by doing something as simple as changing a feed by 1/2 hour - easy to do and no harm or drama - that is the path I will take. Obviously if it happens it happens (and sometimes it does) but I'm an adaptable person, I can make it work either way.

I think on this occasion I would take my lumps on this one because some times family relationships are more important than making a point about something that in all reality will just further enforce the relatives views ie. when they see you BFing in the church, they are not going to beam at you acceptingly and go wow I was so wrong you really should be able to BF in a church because it is just so damn good, they are going to get very upset and even more opposed to it. If you want to express your views to them I would suggest a less emotionally charged (and sometimes alcohol-ly charged) event than a wedding.

[Liz]

The face to face talk doesn't have to be nerve wracking. Just remain firm but respectful. It doesn't need to be emotional, with you being righteous about breast feeding rights etc. In fact that sort of approach rarely helps any cause. Remain the level headed one and explain the absurdity of the request.

She needs to understand that she can't control everything at the wedding in an attempt to please everyone. She wouldn't email uncle bill not to slurp his soup or belch at the table so that Aunt Jane won't be offended. She wouldn't ask a pregnant cousin to wear a tent so no one can see her bump, or to not wear high heels so that grandma ivy doesn't fret about her falling.

And as said earlier.. She certainly wouldn't ask someone in a mixed marriage to leave their husband at home because grandpa joe is racist. Just gently redirect her towards telling the people with any issues to not a make a big deal on her wedding day if something offends them.

I'm not one to go off the deep end about things and get all offended by something like this and refuse to go. Theres no point and that usually blows things up. Stay reasonable in your explanations and assure her that you are able to handle feeding your son, that its your intention to not let bub interrupt the ceremony etc and know how to handle him.

[leesha]

Do you use Facebook regularly? When is the wedding? Is it possible to say you never got or saw the message??

[little_O]

She's catholic and the ceremony is in a Catholic Church. The reception, however, is in a hotel function room.

I agree with talking to her face to face - as nervous as I may be to do it!!

I am not personally catholic, but most of one side of my family is. General rule is not even exposed shoulders or knees....
Could the priest have outlined restrictions?

[jellybean88]

I don't even think I would have even thought about something like that on my wedding day maybe someone said something to her

Either way its her day, it's one day I would just go along with it for the sake if getting along considering she would probably be in your family for a long time

[surprised]

Wow, so many different layers to the issue... For what they are worth, here are some of my thoughts:

- my first reaction would have been not to go (until I calmed down lol)
- 18 month olds and weddings aren't much fun!
- her message is definitely (a) inappropriate to ask of you and (b) very poorly worded and (c) against your legal rights
- as satisfying as they are in your head, I don't think the more passive-aggressive options are going to feel as good on the day. Deliberate defiance for the sake of it is unloving and leaves a bitter aftertaste. Let her be the one in a few years to think 'oh wow, can't believe I asked SIL to do that at my wedding'
- come at the conversation without aggression. If you say 'dear bride zilla, you are a complete cow for asking this and your family are prudes', she's not exactly going to say 'oh, thanks for showing me the error of my ways'. You could say 'it sounds like the stress levels in your family are pretty high. I was surprised by your message - both what you asked and how you said it, and it made me remember how stressful the lead-up to the wedding can be!' and then you could see what she says and follow up with 'so that I understand, what's the specific issue here and who has the issue? Are people worried they will see a nipple? Is it that I'm feeding an older baby?'... You might find the conversation ends quite positively. You could say 'i very much doubt a photographer would hunt me down to take a feeding pic, and if they accidentally got me then there's always the delete button. And I am always discrete when I feed in public - I even bought a special dress for the day. Thank you for sharing with me how important it is for you to feel like all your guests are comfortable.'
- does the church have a cry room?

You have the choice of making an enemy or a friend here. You'd be entitled to go for the enemy route, but really the friend route is going to make your life much, much easier for the next 50 years.

Good luck! Xo