i have made an appointment with a specialist physio that deals in this sort of thing in malvern for early march, it is going to be a fair drive so i don't know how i am going to make it in the car, but anyways i am going...

i have the incontinence pads, its just that without exagerating, if i am standing or walking, i can literally be weeing without knowing, until i feel wet.... so the pads are good, but if that happens it is a disaster.... last night i was brave and went out for tea, i thought i was doing so well, but when i went to the toilet i discovered my pad was soaked and my undies wet, and here i was thinking i was holding on..... its so frustrating....

also i am disheartened because it seems my problem is from the catheter being pulled from the bladder into the urethra, so the little valve thingi that is meant to shut off and open up for urine, has been stretched by this balloon catheter, so the valve isn't working at all, which is why i am leaking (plus a dodgy pelvic floor)... i'm not sure how much exercise etc is going to help, although i will do it obviously, but at the end of the day if the wee is coming out because of this injury by the catheter, what hope do i have....

i am meant to be going to qld in 2 weeks but really don't see how i can go..... i feel so guilty as my kids and family are suffering because i am so depressed and feel like i can't go anywhere... i have my mum helping out and my dp has taken time off work, but everytime i move i feel myself leaking and i am just so scared its going to be a huge leak, that i really don't want to go far from home at all.... i keep emptying my bladder every hour so its never really full, and i am trying not to drink huge amounts in one go, and space out little drinks frequently, but i am still so scared of having an accident....

thanks for reading it helps to get it out... i don't tell my partner much as he doesn't know what to say, he isn't much of a talker in these sorts of situations...

i don't know whether to just say stuff it and go to qld and deal with whatever happens, or stay home where i feel safer.... if i go and it is just awful it will make me feel even more depressed... everytime i have an accident or a huge leak it makes me feel worse and worse.... but i don't want my little girl to miss out on the fun we had promised her, plus its all payed for.... i dunno what to do.