Both my boys ended up being totally formula fed. So this time with dd I was determined that things would be difference. I researched, I read, I promised myself little goals and I was insanely determined that this time it would work out and we would get to 12 months with a lot of determination. I never considered though that I would get a daughter who couldn't suck properly.

My morale is starting to take a huge beating, as once again even though I am breastfeeding I am still being robbed of the breastfeeding experience.

I am being robbed of those milky smiles, the milk drunk look, the sighs of contentment. DD NEVER has those moments after a feed on me, never. She is never full, never content. The only time she gets the milk drunk look is when I top her up after a feed with some EBM, then she has milky smiles, and is content. She can only get that from a stupid bottle, not from me.

I am being robbed of enjoying feeding her. Her clicking sound is beginning to sound like nails being drawn down a chalkboard to me and I cringe through every feed, trying to hold back every impulse to fling her across the room. Every feed is painful, every feed is counting the seconds before its over, knowing unless I get the pump out and top her up she is going to be wanting to feed again in half an hour.

I am angry because I despise the feed, pump, bottle feed, wash, sterilise cycle.
I am angry because my boys are getting ignored, and I can't keep on top of the housework and everyone keeps telling me to ask for help but there is no one to ask. I have no family here, dh's family works full time. It's just me, trying to do it all, try to be it all.
I am angry because I have seen 2 LC's and paid hundreds of dollars in specialists fees and no one can help me. They all sympathise, they all admit there is a problem, they all congratulate me on how well I am doing but they do nothing to actually fix the problem. Our latest LC thinks she has a posterior tongue tie. So now we have to wait 3 weeks to get into our gp just so we can get a referral to the oral surgeon who is a 10r round trip away who may or may not snip it depending on whether he thinks its a tongue tie or not. If its not I don't know what is wrong with dd's suck.
I am angry that I have to pump at least 3 times a day just to maintain a handle on my supply, when I have never had issues with supply.
I am angry that I get so frustrated watching her suck and suck and suck and never swallow, it drives me mental but its not her fault. She can get first let down, if she works really hard she can get a 2nd let down but she generally gets frustrated before she manages the 2nd let down.
I am angry at myself that I have started introducing a formula bottle before bed because I cannot stand to have her anywhere near my nipples once more for the day. And its the only way I get any sleep at all.
I am angry about how settled she is after that formula bottle. Not saying the bottle is easier, its definately not. She doesn't like the bottle and I have to walk whilst feeding to get her to accept it. So its definately not easier, just she is more settled after the bottle of formula.
I am angry because my health is so bad, I am so run down and exhausted that I am failing to get any perspective.

I just feel like I am being robbed of breastfeeding her when I wanted it to work out so badly. Honestly right now I am ready to throw the towel in. But I am so sick of being looked at like the evil formula feeding mummy. I am so sick of being such a failure at this. And besides dd loves her boobie, it's not her fault she is no good at it. How can I take that away from her. Sorry for the novel.