Both my boys ended up being totally formula fed. So this time with dd I was determined that things would be difference. I researched, I read, I promised myself little goals and I was insanely determined that this time it would work out and we would get to 12 months with a lot of determination. I never considered though that I would get a daughter who couldn't suck properly.
My morale is starting to take a huge beating, as once again even though I am breastfeeding I am still being robbed of the breastfeeding experience.
I am being robbed of those milky smiles, the milk drunk look, the sighs of contentment. DD NEVER has those moments after a feed on me, never. She is never full, never content. The only time she gets the milk drunk look is when I top her up after a feed with some EBM, then she has milky smiles, and is content. She can only get that from a stupid bottle, not from me.
I am being robbed of enjoying feeding her. Her clicking sound is beginning to sound like nails being drawn down a chalkboard to me and I cringe through every feed, trying to hold back every impulse to fling her across the room. Every feed is painful, every feed is counting the seconds before its over, knowing unless I get the pump out and top her up she is going to be wanting to feed again in half an hour.
I am angry because I despise the feed, pump, bottle feed, wash, sterilise cycle.
I am angry because my boys are getting ignored, and I can't keep on top of the housework and everyone keeps telling me to ask for help but there is no one to ask. I have no family here, dh's family works full time. It's just me, trying to do it all, try to be it all.
I am angry because I have seen 2 LC's and paid hundreds of dollars in specialists fees and no one can help me. They all sympathise, they all admit there is a problem, they all congratulate me on how well I am doing but they do nothing to actually fix the problem. Our latest LC thinks she has a posterior tongue tie. So now we have to wait 3 weeks to get into our gp just so we can get a referral to the oral surgeon who is a 10r round trip away who may or may not snip it depending on whether he thinks its a tongue tie or not. If its not I don't know what is wrong with dd's suck.
I am angry that I have to pump at least 3 times a day just to maintain a handle on my supply, when I have never had issues with supply.
I am angry that I get so frustrated watching her suck and suck and suck and never swallow, it drives me mental but its not her fault. She can get first let down, if she works really hard she can get a 2nd let down but she generally gets frustrated before she manages the 2nd let down.
I am angry at myself that I have started introducing a formula bottle before bed because I cannot stand to have her anywhere near my nipples once more for the day. And its the only way I get any sleep at all.
I am angry about how settled she is after that formula bottle. Not saying the bottle is easier, its definately not. She doesn't like the bottle and I have to walk whilst feeding to get her to accept it. So its definately not easier, just she is more settled after the bottle of formula.
I am angry because my health is so bad, I am so run down and exhausted that I am failing to get any perspective.
I just feel like I am being robbed of breastfeeding her when I wanted it to work out so badly. Honestly right now I am ready to throw the towel in. But I am so sick of being looked at like the evil formula feeding mummy. I am so sick of being such a failure at this. And besides dd loves her boobie, it's not her fault she is no good at it. How can I take that away from her. Sorry for the novel.
I can't write a full response atm, but I'll be back...
You ARE breastfeeding your baby. Remember that. EBM top ups and Formula top ups are not a sign of things being wrong...you are just finding the best way to continue to breastfeed, as well as keep your baby happy. Every drop of milk from your breast is a breastfeed.
Do you have a local ABA group? (call the breastfeeding helpine 1800mum2mum) to find out if you don't know.
Learning to breastfeed can take time, and it sounds like you are doing amazing!
Please don't feel you need to be it all. right now, it is ok to focus on being mum - the house doesn't need to be perfect. It is ok to have baked beans or breakfast for dinner sometimes!
It is also ok to follow your instinct and do what you feel is best for you and your family.
If you feel that seeing the dr in 3 weeks might solve the sucking issue, than aim for that: just 3 weeks to go, and tomorrow it will be less than three week, then 2 weeks....
if you feel that the issue is something else, seek a second opinion.
If you haven't already, contact ABA - they can be an amazing source of info and support.
Oh sweetie, its hard when it doesnt go to plan, isnt it? FWIW my DD had absolutely no idea how to breastfeed and whilst I did expect their to be hurdles never did I dream she would have no idea what a boob was
Ok, you are definately NOT failing, you are feeding your special girl and you are providing her with so much by doing that! Your determination is inspiring, hun and having that determination and dedication is what is going to get you through this awful time. Perhaps, and I know its not a long term solution but if you are really struggling with the pain then you could express and give it to her in a cup or bottle for a day or so. That might allow you the space to get back on track, gosh I know how awful it can be
Dont be angry at yourself, you introduced a formula feed to keep you sane, hun. That you can eliminate down the track when things settle and she get the hang of it or you find the cause. You have to do what you need to so that long term you can achieve the goal you set out to do
I know right now it all seems unbearable and hard and like the whole world is on your shoulders but you will succeed at this, if you stick it out (like you are). It took us a good 5 months to get DD to feed well, prior to that she would often try to attach to my arm, leg, belly, you get my point. In a few months you will look back and be so thankful that you kept it up. You really are doing awesome! 2 whole months, you should be proud
I can so relate to much of what you have written. I am going through attachment issues myself at the moment. It can be very demoralising that your breast can't make your baby content. Try to hold onto the fact that you are producing the milk with love (although it is frustrating) and it's your milk in the bottle that makes her content.
I found a website called Kellymom which talks about breast refusal and one point it made was that it isn't because they don't want to feed, or prefer the bottle it's simply they can't at this point. This made a difference to how I see DS. I was also having some negative thoughts about my bub until I read more about breast refusal.
I completely understand the feed cycle that you are on as it is identical to mine. It's hard to juggle everything and it's time consuming. If you look up one of my threads where I posted today I have written my new approach to the cycle which is a bit time saving.
I so understand the frustration of the pump. I feel shackled down by it and has impacted on my enjoyment of life which is normally to be out and about. A few weeks ago I actually threw the pump funnel and bottles across the floor and just cried. Somehow I have come to a place where I accept my current lot (although this might change). For me working out how to do the cycle hands free, double pumping and learning to bottle feed all at t he same time has really made a difference to how I feel.
I'm glad you have an appointment to get your bub looked at and I hope that this will produce improvement for you. Try to keep your chin up you are doing a fabulous job and many would have understandably moved on from trying to BF at this point.
It is a huge effort.
SOme things that may make it a weeny bit easier:
*don't sterilise after every feed, just once a day is enough unless your baby has a dodgy immune system or is very preemy
*after each pump put the pump parts, milk drips and all, in a zip-bag in the fridge until next time - no need to wash them except for once a day
Have you tried hand-expressing to make sure that the let down is there and she doesn't have to mangle you to get it to happen? Even take her off the boob, hand squirt until it comes again, and put her back on?
big hugs
Kate
Just thinking a bit more - to survive the next couple of weeks I think in your position I would only try attaching a couple of times a day. That way you hurt less! And save some time.
And in the slightly longer term I would take the "do what I have to to maintain some sort of supply while bub gets her act together" approach - express as much as I can stand to, attach a couple of times a day, and FF as needed to top up.
Then when she does work out attaching, or you work out what the issue is, it is possible to move to full time BF.
How are you doing?
You're no failure - what a dedicated mother you are! You're workign so hard and ought to be congratulated.
And it is still you giving her that drunken, content look. Don't downplay everything you're doing and giving her
Awwe hugs!
I can hear the desperation in your voice. I want to give you the biggest hug. And tell you how awesome you are for trying do hard, for doing all the expressing and painful feeds your doing an awesome job!!!!!
Breastfeeding takes time for both mum and bubby to learn, it's not easy.
Did the LC teach you an bub to attach (Even with a bit of tongue tie sometimes it's just a bit of the tehnique) having the babies chin pushed into the boob helps with attachment. By pushing bubby onto your boob with one hand rather then puttin your boob down to the baby. Making sure bubby's mouth is wide open and the tip of the nipple is getting Down to the back of the mouth. These are all little things that might help.
Breastfeeding is hard work for bubba, that's why you might be finding she can skull a bottle quick, it takes next to no effort. but the breast she has to
Really milk to get some.
I hope you are able to fulfil your breastfeeding journey for as long as you want Xoxox. Take care.
Love MN ;-)
Losing my morale
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I can't write a full response atm, but I'll be back...
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