Pumpgirl your post has stirred many emotions in me because I could have written that. I too did a calmbirth course and really focused on the birth. I'd looked into breastcrawl and that was the way I wanted to go with establishing breastfeeding. Although labour was 7 hours DS was shot out. Despite skin to skin for a couple of hours there was no interest in the breast. The midwife helped me express colostrum to feed him. Over the next couple of days in hospital we struggled to establish attachment. DS would not attach, would pull off, he would arch his back and cry most times I tried. It really did my head in, and to be honest it still does. For as long as I can remember breastfeeding was the way I wanted to feed my children. Most days for the first two to three weeks I was in tears. Someone made the comment that hit the nail on the head: I was grieving my dream of breastfeeding.

The LC I saw in hospital told me I had good equipment but was more interested in complaining about how noisy the people in the next bed were (instead of asking them to be a little quieter) and then told us about theft at the hospital. Neither did anything to assist me in establishing BFing. There was the time in the middle of the night I asked the midwives for help and I had 3 come in one after the other only for them to give up on us. I tried to get a LC at home but it was 3 days before she returned my calls and by then I'd lost faith in the system.

I was in turmoil. I felt pressured to continue breastfeeding even though it was ineffective as we also needed to top up after every feed. There were only a few times in 3 weeks that DS really even attached, so I was on the feed, top up then express path. I desperately wanted someone to say "You've done well but it's not working, how about you go to formula feeding now" but no-one would. A midwife came the closest to noticing I couldn't continue as I was going and she set a deadline for me to decide to either persist with breastfeeding, continue expressing or go onto formula. DH and I discussed it as although I was being told by health professionals that it was my body, it was also his DS. We elected to go the expressing path, but I think that would have been a different decision if I was returning to work, due to the time commitment it involves.

When DS was about 10 weeks old we were out at a public function. DS was due for a feed and I, like you, feared the scorn of others when I pulled out a bottle even though it was EBM (or maybe because it was). There was a lady sitting at an outdoor setting breastfeeding her child and I felt so little. I found a step to sit on not far away but the lady saw and invited me over. I made the comment that she was feeding her baby the right way in the hope of getting my perceived failing out of the way and she responded "there is no right way, just different ways". It was so good to have that from someone I didn't know.

I'm not sure if it will help but this thread https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ressers-85910/ is about exclusively expressing. I'm not saying you need to go that way but if it helps to read what others have been through it may help you come to terms with things?

I had a fantastic birth but the wounds of not establishing BFing run deep for me. I hope you find peace within. I took comfort in being able to look into DS eyes as I was feeding him as some sort of compensation. to you as I know this is upsetting and not an easy decision if your heart was set on it. Sorry, I feel I've made this more about me than you but my heart is with you.