CS under GA disappointment thread

[~mamaspice~]

Hi Lovely ladies,

I just wanted to start this thread for those of us who are:
disappointed/sad/grieving/angry
or ALL of the above, after having a CS under a general anaesthetic.

I thought it would be a good spot to tell your story and support each other.

I'll start by telling my story:
I was booked in for my ECS the day before due to having Pre-eclampsia.
I remember being told by my OB's receptionist not to eat or drink for 8 hours before the Op in case I needed a general. I turned to my student mid standing beside me and said "I DO NOT want a general" and she re-assured me that it is very very rare these days.
Fast forward to 7am the next morning and the anaesthetist tried several times to get my epi in. Finally he got it in but I only started going numb down one leg. All of a sudden I heard the words general anasthetic and before I knew it DH was ushered out of theatre and the mask was placed over my face.
Next thing I new I woke up out of the anesthetic crying and a baby, My baby? was placed on my chest. It was all very surreal.
In the weeks after the birth I started to grieve my "lost" birth experience. I felt totally ripped off. Having to have a CS was bad enough as it was let alone this. I did not hear my babies first cries, or get to hold and comfort her. One minute I was pregnant and the next minute I wasn't. There was NO birth or transitional process for me.

I found I had little support from family or friends. They just didn't seem to understand how I felt. Many actually saying "I'd prefer to have a general then be awake for the operation".

As time has passed my wound has started to heal, but the sadness of what I missed out on will never truely go away.

I know there is only a 1 in 100 chance of ending up needing a general so I am one of an unlucky few, but I know there are more of you out there. . . .

[~Debbie~]

i have never been in that situation, but, i imagine how it must feel. For me, it would be hard to connect the baby in my arms to the one that used to be in my belly. Almost like a - if you didnt see it come out, didnt feel anything, how do you know its yours.. thats what i would think.

[ticklish]

Hi Spice,

I am still around and am here for support.

Like you, I had a CS under GA and have found no support from friends and family - no one understands the hurt. Even DH doesn't understand. I am told to just suck it up and should be grateful that DS#1 turned out okay - especially because our first pregnancy ended in a loss. Yes, any baby is special but so was my birth experience. After all it was the moment I finally became a mum and I can never get it back.

I totally hear you. Yes, we need support.

My CS under GA was unnecessary. I simply trusted the wrong OB and should have sought a second opinion from someone who actually knew what they were doing. (And yes, I have sought legal advice about suing and the answer was it wasn't worth it!! Even the legal system can't compensate for the hurt and loss! - another story!)

It hurts like hell that the first sight of my baby was one that had been wiped clean and had been dressed!

I am so sorry that you had to go through this and that there are other women who have had GAs too!

TICKLISH

[~mamaspice~]

Ticklish. I know exactly what you are going through. Has the birth of your most recent bub helped heal the hurt?

And thankyou for your kind words Debbie.

[Nadine216]

I had a cs under ga ... and I although I do know how you are feeling, I have to say that I was able to make peace with mine. I really hope you get the support to make peace with yours too.

I just feel that in a world where we are being pulled and pushed into "natural" vs "medical" procedures, we are sometimes expecting too much and are extreamly dissapointed when things don't go as we planned.

My cs were an emergency and I were told that it's better to go under ga as if something went wrong, I'm already under and they can help me asap. I wanted the whole VB thing ... waters breaking, having labour pains, I even secretly wished I would have some MINIMAL tearing ... just to make it all more real, kwim?? I never got that chance, and never will. I developed HELLP and to safe my life, my ob took out my baby at 33 weeks with a classic c/s under ga. I saw my baby for the first time about 3 hours after the c/s on my DH's camara phone that he secretly snuck in (he was allowed to sit throught the cs) and held her for the first time the next moring at 10:15. I did not realised what happend, because it went so quickly. After about a month or two I was devestated by the fact that I did not get my VB, even more devestated when my ob told me he had to use the classic cut and that I would not be able to even have a VBAC. [ I even "forgot" about what he told me and tried pushing my luck this time around same answer though ]

Now I'm pregnant with my second child. I'm having my c/s done on 39 weeks ... if my ob does not think it fit sooner. I will not be allowed to go into labour, will not be allowed to be induced, will not be allowed anything connected with a VB. So in all honestly ... I'm hoping my waters break sometime during the night It's hard to swallow, but I'm ok. I can do this. I CAN bring two kids into the world without labour pains and still feel proud and motherly. I'm not ashamed about it ... if you can get a pin saying "I'm a CS mommy" I would wear it.

Don't get me wrong .. I'm all for VB, because it's what nature intended, BUT I would never look down on a woman who had a c/s .. to me that is also giving birth and should be treated with the same respect that VB mommies get.

oops - got a little feral there

So all I wanted to say was: YOU are wonderful, YOU are a woman and mother, YOU are allowed to feel disappionted, YOU are allowed to be mad ... but you also have to allow yourself to heal, to accept, to forgive.

Thinking of you

[ticklish]

Thanks for sharing your story Nadine. I admire your strength.

HELLP - now that is not something to muck around with. I glad it worked out. Must feel great to get past 33 weeks this time. How is it going? All the best for the 19th next month.

Can I ask - how did you make peace with yours?

This is where I struggle. Mine was unnecessary - I wish my OB had just admitted that he did not have the experience and did not exactly know what he was doing in my case. Mine was unnecessary! My consent was based on incorrect information - and that hurts. I should have sought a second opinion but I was too emotionally vulnerable at the time, especially after being told, wrongly, that there was a high chance my baby was going to be born damaged. I fully expected to have a CS if that was necessary.

TICKLISH

[~mamaspice~]

Thankyou Nadine, for sharing your story and for your kind words.

I'm very happy for you that you've been able to make peace with what happened. Having had HELLP both you and bub are very lucky to be fit and healthy. Congratultions on this pregnancy. As Ticklish said, it must be wonderful to have reached this far with no problems.

I feel a wee bit the same way as Ticklish. Although I did have pregnancy hypertension (borderline PE) I do not think my cs was absolutely necessary. I wasn't having to be monitored on a daily basis prior to the cs. I think my OB just prefered to deliver bub before things got any worse and I went along with her suggestion with out even querying it or exploring other options (totally naive really). Anyway, we cannot change the past so now I'm just focusing on enjoying my sweet little girl and looking toward the future.

[nic]

Spice,
With my DD, I was in labour, pushing, could see her head...everything. After 2 hours of pushing, they told me she was stuck, and I needed an emergency c/s. within about 45 minutes they had called in the Dr, (was around 3am) and taken me to theatre, where I had my midwife asking them (after asking me what I wanted) to give me a spinal so DH could be with me. The spinal didn't work, so I ended up with the GA.
When I woke and was told "Congratulations, you had a baby girl" I couldn't even remember being pregnant! I kid you not! I thought it was a joke. and when DH walked in with her in his arms, I thought he was in on the joke as well.
I hated it when people told me that I should be happy that we were both well, and that it didn't matter how she entered the world. As long as she was here and healthy, that's all that mattered.

I struggled with the emotions of it for a long time. To be honest, my pregnancy with DS, is what i think helped me deal with it a bit better. I realised that I held on to what happened for so long because I had all these hopes of dreams of a natural birth, of hearing her first breath and first scream/cry. Dreams of holding her in my arms for the first time, with DH beside me and crying at how beautiful she was.... but instead I woke up, thinking that someone had gone to HUGE lengths to play a practical joke on me.
I was grieving for the birth I didn't have

I was so caught up in my emotions, that it was a month before I realised that DH hadn't "cut the cord" Didn't I feel like the most selfish person then! So, then I grieved for the birth experience I couldn't offer to my DH.

This time round, I chose the GA. I freaked out about having the spinal, and after consulting with my OB and anaethetist, we decided a general would be better for me emotionally. I have dealt with this birth, better than I did DD's. I knew what was happening beforehand this time, which I think made a bit of a difference, I was prepared. I have a problem with the fact I was offered a VBAC this time round, after arriving for our scheduled c/s and finding out I was already 8cms! I wasn't mentally ready for the VBAC after being turned down at the start of our pregnancy.

Nic

[~mamaspice~]

Hi Nic, thankyou for sharing your story. It must have been so hard coming sooo close to birthing your baby yourself. I'm so happy for you that the birth of your son was a much more pleasant experience.

AFM, I really want to avoid another general. My first choice for next time will be VBAC but I know realistically that there are no guarantees of success there. My second choice is a maternal assisted caesarean (which my OB has agreed to). But if I do end up NEEDING another CS under a GA I will have some special requests in place. I will be wanting bubs birth to be filmed so I can watch and hear his/her entrance into the world. I will also want to make sure bub is wrapped in a blanket containing my scent so he/she has something familiar around until they are in my arms. I will want bub placed onto my chest as soon as I wake in recovery and I will also be asking for the placenta to be kept and shown to me afterwards. I just feel that these things will kind of help normalise the birth experience for me.

PS: I know what you mean about freaking out about the spinal. I will never forget that horrible shooting nerve pain I felt every time the anaesthetist hit bone

[Nadine216]

Ticklish - It's going very good this time, thank you. Just had my bp and urine tested today and all is normal (120/85: clean urine) So I'm just as positive as my ob that I'll go the distance with this one.

I really can't explain to you how I made peace with my situation. And it's nothing like your c/s, and I'm not you, don't have your emotions or mindset... kwim?? Bellybelly had a lot to do with me accepting. Reading other women's stories and thinking "OMG it could have been worse" Then also I focused on not so much the birth, but the actually fact that even though my placenta was also buggerd up (dd was growth retarded and weight 1.4kg at birth - I was 33 weeks, she was something like 30 weeks) I actually brought life into this world. I know, I know .... I also hate it when ppl tell me that I should consentrate that my baby is healthy, so a VB does not matter, BUT in a way ... I constentrated on the fact that life was created in me, life that is currently waking me up in the morning going "Mommy get UP!!", a second life created in me that is currently kicking my ribs to shreads, and THAT (in my state of mind) was/is/will be more important than a c/s or a VB ... FOR ME.

I focused my energy not on how angry/dissapointed I was, but on the positive side of things. I did not leave my husband and newborn alone in the world, I could breastfeed for 3 months (goal is 6 this time around), I could care for her and give her the love and attention she deserve ... I later had a "revelation" that being dissapointed in not getting what I wanted, was selfish ... it was "not motherly" Having kids (like you know) change your life, you suddenly live for another person ... and the dissapointmet faded and healed in the knowledge that now I am a MOTHER, I may not have given birth to her vaginally, but I could care for her just the same. That saying "a mom is born with a baby" to me, IMO, is cr@p ... a mom become a mom when she get that BFP. By the time your baby are born, you've been a mom for 9 months. It's a lot to get your mind around, but once I did ... I felt better. I get it's a big deal ... it's not everyday a little person is suppose to come out your vagina, but just because it does not happen like that, does NOT make you any less a mother/woman.

Have to add ... this did not happen overnight ... I still get my days when I am mad about not getting labour pains ect ... but I'm the type of person that can "store and deal later"

I should have sought a second opinion but I was too emotionally vulnerable at the time, especially after being told, wrongly, that there was a high chance my baby was going to be born damaged.

Do not beat yourself up on that, that you did not get a second opinion. We trust the ppl we trust when we trust them - make sense?? I know how it feels to just be numb, because you are being told that there might be something wrong with your baby. (they thought my baby would have brain damage as my plasenta did not supply enough blood - I was horrified and scared and cried for the two days leading up to my visit to the speciallist) You don't THINK to get a second opinion, you just FEEL. I get you are extreamly dissapointed in your ob .. in yourself for trusting him ... but you did the best you could with the information you were given.
You had two babies, right? Did this happen with the first? How was the second one born?

Same goes for you Spice ... you trusted your ob, because it was your fist and honestly, no matter how much you read up it's not going to make you a medical profesional to contradict what is being told to you ... by your OB. And your totally right, we can't change the past. We can only live for the future and that is by living for your kids and getting this type of support to deal with our emotions.

Like your idea of a maternal assisted c/s ... I also had a long list of stuff I want the ob to do for this c/s ... but then again I've learn the first time around that things don't always go as planned, so I'm flexible. To be totally honest .. I have so much trust in my ob that if he wants me under ga again, I won't even think twice. He not only has my best intrest at heart, but that of my baby.

To be honest, my pregnancy with DS, is what i think helped me deal with it a bit better.

Me too. I saw this pg in a new light, had all that old feelings come back and dealt with them in a "sober" state of mind. Honestly, a new mum should not be dealing with birth-dissapointment ... it's one of life's cruel little games

PS: I know what you mean about freaking out about the spinal. I will never forget that horrible shooting nerve pain I felt every time the anaesthetist hit bone

*lalalalalalalala* Did not want to hear that I'm scared of needles so getting that spinal will be tought on me

Lot of talking from me BIG cyber hugs to you all.

[~mamaspice~]

So I went in to have my c/s the next morning. I had the epidural put in and it didnt work, I wasnt offered a spinal block at all. My XP was ushered out of the room and I went to sleep crying in the mask. I woke up 3 hours later to find that I had a baby. One minute I was pregnant the next minute I wasnt. I also bled out so I didnt really get to bond with DS until the next day even.

I was very much looking forward to labour, stupid I know, but i wanted to feel that, to go through that and to get to hear my DS cry, feel him come from my body and hold him for the first time while he was still icky.

Mis_tree to you sweetie. Your experience and feelings about it are so similar to mine. Thankyou for sharing your story too.

[~mamaspice~]

just ing this thread up

Just wondering, were any of you guys given a reason for the epi/spinal not working? I had xrays which showed that I have hyperlordosis (or something like that) which explains why they had so much trouble trying to ge the epi in, but doesn't explain why I only started going numb down one side.

[nic]

No, no reason given. My OB with DS said that sometimes it just doesn't? and I would be really unlucky for it to happen with DS. Opted for the GA with DS, so didn't get to find out

[~mamaspice~]

Just came across this old thread of mine and thought I'd it up in case there is anyone else out there who might like to share their experience.

[soulful]

Hi all

What a great thread...!

I have just been told that I may need to go under GA for my upcoming c/s due to major placenta previa. I will be seeing my ob tomorrow to discuss further and express my concerns, but I must admit that I am glad that I have had time to come to terms with this. In the end, I figure the safest way for bubs and me is the best way!

Ofcourse I would much prefer an epi or a spinal and I will be discussing further with my ob tomorrow as to the reason for a GA.

Does anyone have any experiences with going under for placenta previa, or even know the reasons why?

Also, can anyone clarify how long the general lasts for?

TIA

[~mamaspice~]

Hi Soulful,

Best wishes for your upcomming birth. It will be interresting to see what your Ob says tomorrow. I can only gather that perhaps they'd prefer to do a general in case there are any probs during the op because of the praevia. Hopefully they can give you a spinal/epi instead.

My only advice to you is if you do end up with a general and you are concerned with how you might feel about it afterwards talk to your OB about what things they might be able to do to help normalise the birth so-to-speak. I know that if I had to have another general I'd want bubs birth filmed so that I could see it and hear his/her first cries etc. I'd want the placenta kept so it could be shown to me (these things interest me but might make you squeamish) I'd want bub wrapped up in a blanket that had my scent on it and I'd want bub given to me for skin to skin as soon as I woke up in recovery.

As for the length of the general, I think I woke up in Recovery about 45 min to an hour after bub was born.

keep us posted on what your Ob says.

[soulful]

Hi Mara, thanks for your words of advice. I will definately take these on board.

It looks like a general is my only option. I am quite petite so any sudden blood loss could put both myself and bubs in danger, therefore they would prefer to have the c/s performed under general - gives them a more relaxed environment in which they can control any complications quicker.

I have now come to terms with this, but also feel horribly bad for DP who will not be allowed in to the operating theatre.

Can anyone clarify whether the recovery time for a general is just as good as if you had an epi/spinal? I understand that at least I'll be able to be up and about if I'm able to, whereas the epi may have taken a little longer for me to get back on my feet?

[~mamaspice~]

Soulful, basically as soon as bub was born and taken to the paed table a nurse went and grabbed DH straight away from the next room and took him into the theatre and over to bub. He was then with bub the whole time until I woke up. he said he remembers sitting on his own in the room next to the theatre and suddenly hearing a baby cry and thinking Sh#t, that's my baby and no sooner had her heard bub that a nurse came to get him.

As for recovery time. Yes I could move my legs and everyting straight away but i still had a catheter in until the next morning and as soon as that was out I was able to get up and have a shower and move around. I wasn't in any pain really.