sounds very simular to me I had an emergency with my first and general ansthetic, like you I was sooo out of it and really struggled with bonding and the whole shock IYKWIM? second time around (2yrs later) I planned a VBAC attempt but at 39wks baby was still breach so I went for a planned C and had a spinal blck OMG it was fantastic dh was in the room and I saw my little girl come out it was so different to the first. Recovery was alot quicker but the biggest difference I notices was that I was aware of everything and sitting up in bed half an hr later (after recovery) bfing and holding my baby. The scar seemed to heal quicker I wasn't as sore probably because I hadn't been in labour for 24hrs prior and I had more energy to deal with it.
3rd time around I've struggled with the decission but as yet I'm having another elective C. Don't worry hun I know exactly how you feel you do what you feel is right no one should judge you.