My Caesarean Scar says...

[nothing2lose]

Do you know one thing that really peeves me?? When words and statements like "failure", "unnatural" and "didn't give birth" find their way into discussions about caesarean births. I mean, in my opinion, having had a CS either by choice or unwanted intervention cannot in any way be related to those statements. We did give birth. Many of us are lucky enough to have healthy children as a result. It may have been exactly what we chose, or it may have been our worst nightmare but it doesn't take away the fact that WE BIRTHED. We conceived and grew a child. We endured what we had to to bring that child earthside. We should be proud. To be anything else is, in my opinion, doing all of us a disservice.

[Arimeh]

My first one says:

"You were too afraid to give it a go"

My second one says:

"You ate too much chocolate and made too good a home for her and she didn't want to leave it"

[RainbowBrite]

Do you know one thing that really peeves me?? When words and statements like "failure"

My feeling of failure was not the c/s it was that I could not give my babies my warm safe womb to grow big and strong...instead they had the harsh reality of being born to soon.

[Just Me]

My feeling of failure was not the c/s it was that I could not give my babies my warm safe womb to grow big and strong...instead they had the harsh reality of being born to soon.

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Everyone is on a different stage of their journey and it is great for people who feel have come to a place where they are happy and proud of what they have accomplished. For others of us, we are still at a place of disappointment. I am not going to apologise for saying that I feel like a failure. It is where I am at. I have learned through many lessons in life, nothing is achieved by pretending to feel otherwise. In time I may feel differently, in time I may not. My feelings are about my experience and my experience alone. They do not reflect anyone else's experience. They are about me and only me.

I shared something very personal and very painful in this thread - something I don't get the opportunity to talk about a whole lot. I was trying to be honest and say how I felt.

[Charlotte91]

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Everyone is on a different stage of their journey and it is great for people who feel have come to a place where they are happy and proud of what they have accomplished. For others of us, we are still at a place of disappointment. I am not going to apologise for saying that I feel like a failure. It is where I am at. I have learned through many lessons in life, nothing is achieved by pretending to feel otherwise. In time I may feel differently, in time I may not. My feelings are about my experience and my experience alone. They do not reflect anyone else's experience. They are about me and only me.

I shared something very personal and very painful in this thread - something I don't get the opportunity to talk about a whole lot. I was trying to be honest and say how I felt.

That's what this thread is about, honey. I'm so glad you shared your feeling with me.

RB, I know how you feel. Although DD wasn't born near as early as your tiny prems, I was meant to protect her. My placenta failed. I failed.

Thanks so much ladies, I still want to hear your feelings about your scar.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

[nothing2lose]

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

My point exactly.

[~StarBright~]

I am saddened by all the people who feel like they failed their birth .... I dont want to direspect those feelings, they are valid.. its just sad.

For those who feel like they failed... I say you didnt. Your baby is here. You still birthed, although maybe not perfectly in your eyes, or your heart, but perfect none the less because your baby is here.

For those like me whose baby isn't here (even after an emergency c section due to placental abruption) we didnt fail either. Life just really sux sometimes. But there is no pass or fail, just the journey to how we get where we are going

Sorry if I have offended anyone, I have wanted to say something sicne this thread started, but I just wasnt sure how.

[Janie71]

I am saddened by all the people who feel like they failed their birth .... I dont want to direspect those feelings, they are valid.. its just sad.

For those who feel like they failed... I say you didnt. Your baby is here. You still birthed, although maybe not perfectly in your eyes, or your heart, but perfect none the less because your baby is here.

For those like me whose baby isn't here (even after an emergency c section due to placental abruption) we didnt fail either. Life just really sux sometimes. But there is no pass or fail, just the journey to how we get where we are going

Sorry if I have offended anyone, I have wanted to say something sicne this thread started, but I just wasnt sure how.

Beautifully put Starbright. I agree with your sentiments and have also wanted to say something, but couldn't figure out the right way to say it without unintentionally insulting people. I too feel sad that there are women who feel like they failed, but I do think they are valid feelings.

Janie xxx

[RainbowBrite]

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Not justifying just explaining the difference.
I own my feeling of failing my babies and I am sure the feeling will fade as time goes on but while they both still have problems from their very early births the feeling of guilt and failure is ever present.

I am thankful every day that they are here and for the most part healthy and am glad I could carry them far enough to give them a fighting chance but it does not mean that my feelings of failure/guilt are not valid and to have these feeling in no way makes you less grateful for what you have.

[Glass half full]

Wow, I just read through this thread again and some responses here broke my heart.

I realise this is a year and a half old, but thought it couldn't hurt to bump it as this will always be relevant.

I can't believe my scar is now 4 years old! When I make myself think back to when my daughter was born and what I went through, it feels like just last week. But on the other hand, I cannot remember not having my scar now.

As positive as I was in my first post, I still sometimes wonder if things could have been different. Should I have had 1 or 2 extra scans to confirm the position of the placenta? But then if I had, what I have been prepared for a natural childbirth? In the end I accept what I have been through, and am proud to have contributed to the VBAC success rate of my local hospital

[Blondie]

I had a VB first time around and yes I gave birth the way nature intended but I would never consider myself above those who had a C-Section both elective or otherwise. Birthing is individual. It's your baby and your birth.

I really do feel for those people who think that they have failed...and I don't understand why they would think that about themselves but we each have our own demons and I respect that people all have different expectations of themselves. I did have some issues to deal with after my Son's birth but me thinking I failed wasn't one of them.

I haven't had my section yet - but for me, I will look at my scar and think, this was my bith, my way and I made the right decision based on what I wanted.

I would encourage people to not look at someone elses birth and think that theirs should have been the same or better. Yes we have a right to have our own birth, the way we would like it but life doesn't always go to plan...and we don't always get what we want, the important thing is to remember we carried and birthed a baby. They are here and safe in our arms. We are very lucky to have been given a chance to experience motherhood and the many things that come with it some within and some not within our control

[Lenny]

I haven't had my section yet - but for me, I will look at my scar and think, this was my bith, my way and I made the right decision based on what I wanted.

I would encourage people to not look at someone elses birth and think that theirs should have been the same or better. Yes we have a right to have our own birth, the way we would like it but life doesn't always go to plan...and we don't always get what we want, the important thing is to remember we carried and birthed a baby. They are here and safe in our arms. We are very lucky to have been given a chance to experience motherhood and the many things that come with it some within and some not within our control

Blonde -please don't try to simplify my c section experience by saying that life doesn't always go to plan. Please don't suggest that I am looking at other people's births and thinking mine should have been the same or better. I share in the joy when mums have awesome birth experiences and I sympathise in their feelings, whatever they may be when the birth does not go how they had hoped and dreamed. Please don't suggest to me that because my child is safe in my arms then it doesn't a matter because I still carried and birthed a baby.

When you say things like some things in life aren't in our control it makes me feel very sad. The birth of my baby should be something that I have control over. It's my baby and my body. Why should someone else assume control over that. It's an absolutely nightmarish situation to watch as all your control is stripped from you and you are bullied and crying all on your own. We don't always get what we want, that is true -but we should never ever get put in that situation.

I get that that is how you feel about it, but don't please suggest to me that that is how I should feel about it. It makes me feel even worse about myself when other people's comments imply that it's not really that bad.

I am grateful everyday for my chance at motherhood. I should be allowed my feelings regarding my c section without someone suggesting that I might be ungrateful that I am a mum and have the chance to a wonderful relationship with my child. I know very well how lucky I am to be a mum.

[forshelby]

Do you know one thing that really peeves me?? When words and statements like "failure", "unnatural" and "didn't give birth" find their way into discussions about caesarean births. We should be proud. To be anything else is, in my opinion, doing all of us a disservice.

So............... I should be proud that I was failed by my care providers? I should be proud that they were so eager to butcher me? I should be proud that I didn't stand up for myself? I'm sorry, but THAT statement irritates me. If I'm doing myself a disservice by feeling ripped off, then so be it. What about the coma? Should I be proud of that too? The fact that I was unable to care for my newborn son in any way for nearly a week after his birth? How about the fact that I was too drugged to even cry when I saw him for the first time?

The truth is, I do feel like a failure. I did not give birth. Yes my baby was birthed, but not by me. It IS unnatural to pump a woman full of drugs to get her uterus to contract, then to slice her open because she's taking too long to dialate. I can't think of anything more unnatural than that. In the cases where c/s is neccesary, then of course these women would be grateful, and at peace with their birth experience. I am not.

And you know what? I'll feel how I want!

[MummaSue]

I love my scar. It's actually healed so well that it's two tiny little lines now.

My scar doesn't say anything. But I say to my scar "thank goodness I live in a day and age where there is medical intervention otherwise neither me nor my baby would be here today".

[nothing2lose]

Forshelby, you have quoted me out of context. But yes, I think you should feel proud that you endured and survived what you did to bring your baby earthside.

[STARRYSKY]

Do you know one thing that really peeves me?? When words and statements like "failure", "unnatural" and "didn't give birth" find their way into discussions about caesarean births. I mean, in my opinion, having had a CS either by choice or unwanted intervention cannot in any way be related to those statements. We did give birth. Many of us are lucky enough to have healthy children as a result. It may have been exactly what we chose, or it may have been our worst nightmare but it doesn't take away the fact that WE BIRTHED. We conceived and grew a child. We endured what we had to to bring that child earthside. We should be proud. To be anything else is, in my opinion, doing all of us a disservice.

N2L ~ no disrespect meant but this kind of a blanket statement or generalisation can come across as quite insensitive. While I do absolutely understand where you are coming from, I feel that for me using those terms (and I have done one many occasions) within my "birthing" (see, even to me now, almost 3 years later, I can not think of my self as having "given birth ) experience, has in a way helped me confront those issues and though I am still in the process of coming to terms with it, its a happening thing.

MY scar says to me " you failed, you gave up, you gave away YOUR power" but it also serves as a reminder to me that next time, it will be different, now I know better.
My un necessarean caused me huge grief and dis appointment, all because I couldnt get the baby out in 10 hrs.

I like what Rouge said about the health care system being the one that failed, thats true for me.

I hope that one day I will feel happy about it, because for me it didnt save my babys life, there was NO reason for it.
I love that some of you can look at it and see a smile

[nothing2lose]

Starry, I am in no way offended or feel disrespected by your post - or by any others for that matter!
I reserve the right, though, not to change my words. I stand by them. That said, it is certainly not my intention to belittle people's experiences.
I don't like women being made to feel as they have failed or should somehow feel guilty for having a caesarean (whatever the reason). Not delivering your child vaginally is not a moral failing. It is not something to be ashamed of, nor does it make us less worthy as mothers. Sure, if you were aiming for a vaginal birth, feel disappointed, but a "failure"....????? I don't think so.

eta: it may help to look at it this way, would you call someone else a "failure" because they had a caesarean?

[Rouge]

eta: it may help to look at it this way, would you call someone else a "failure" because they had a caesarean?

Absolutely not, but I know a lot of women that were failed by the system and as a result ended up with a caesarean that really could have been prevented.

I think that's how some people feel, and that's valid too. And often when you feel as though you've failed it is because you were failed, and like all mothers we take that responsibility on as our own... I could have done this and that and this. I had to give that away as I knew it was hurting me more than helping. But I still feel as though I was failed by the system. But I have learnt to look at the positives even through this. If my birth is a warning to others, then so be it. If I can help other women be aware of their own choices, and the empowerment that comes with that (And I see elective c/s as a perfectly good choice... if it's the mother's choice), then that makes me feel that the scar has it's blessings.