My Caesarean Scar says...

[RainbowBrite]

Do you know one thing that really peeves me?? When words and statements like "failure"

My feeling of failure was not the c/s it was that I could not give my babies my warm safe womb to grow big and strong...instead they had the harsh reality of being born to soon.

[Just Me]

My feeling of failure was not the c/s it was that I could not give my babies my warm safe womb to grow big and strong...instead they had the harsh reality of being born to soon.

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Everyone is on a different stage of their journey and it is great for people who feel have come to a place where they are happy and proud of what they have accomplished. For others of us, we are still at a place of disappointment. I am not going to apologise for saying that I feel like a failure. It is where I am at. I have learned through many lessons in life, nothing is achieved by pretending to feel otherwise. In time I may feel differently, in time I may not. My feelings are about my experience and my experience alone. They do not reflect anyone else's experience. They are about me and only me.

I shared something very personal and very painful in this thread - something I don't get the opportunity to talk about a whole lot. I was trying to be honest and say how I felt.

[Charlotte91]

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Everyone is on a different stage of their journey and it is great for people who feel have come to a place where they are happy and proud of what they have accomplished. For others of us, we are still at a place of disappointment. I am not going to apologise for saying that I feel like a failure. It is where I am at. I have learned through many lessons in life, nothing is achieved by pretending to feel otherwise. In time I may feel differently, in time I may not. My feelings are about my experience and my experience alone. They do not reflect anyone else's experience. They are about me and only me.

I shared something very personal and very painful in this thread - something I don't get the opportunity to talk about a whole lot. I was trying to be honest and say how I felt.

That's what this thread is about, honey. I'm so glad you shared your feeling with me.

RB, I know how you feel. Although DD wasn't born near as early as your tiny prems, I was meant to protect her. My placenta failed. I failed.

Thanks so much ladies, I still want to hear your feelings about your scar.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

[nothing2lose]

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

My point exactly.

[~StarBright~]

I am saddened by all the people who feel like they failed their birth .... I dont want to direspect those feelings, they are valid.. its just sad.

For those who feel like they failed... I say you didnt. Your baby is here. You still birthed, although maybe not perfectly in your eyes, or your heart, but perfect none the less because your baby is here.

For those like me whose baby isn't here (even after an emergency c section due to placental abruption) we didnt fail either. Life just really sux sometimes. But there is no pass or fail, just the journey to how we get where we are going

Sorry if I have offended anyone, I have wanted to say something sicne this thread started, but I just wasnt sure how.

[Janie71]

I am saddened by all the people who feel like they failed their birth .... I dont want to direspect those feelings, they are valid.. its just sad.

For those who feel like they failed... I say you didnt. Your baby is here. You still birthed, although maybe not perfectly in your eyes, or your heart, but perfect none the less because your baby is here.

For those like me whose baby isn't here (even after an emergency c section due to placental abruption) we didnt fail either. Life just really sux sometimes. But there is no pass or fail, just the journey to how we get where we are going

Sorry if I have offended anyone, I have wanted to say something sicne this thread started, but I just wasnt sure how.

Beautifully put Starbright. I agree with your sentiments and have also wanted to say something, but couldn't figure out the right way to say it without unintentionally insulting people. I too feel sad that there are women who feel like they failed, but I do think they are valid feelings.

Janie xxx

[forshelby]

N2L could you clarify please? I keep re reading but can't work out how I was meant to receive your statements. Hmmm. probably my fault.

I don't really feel proud of what I endured. I don't know what I feel, but it isn't pride. I feel kind of ashamed and violated. Precious moments with DS were lost forever, and that just sucks. Of course mine wasn't a routine delivery, so my emotions may differ from others. I hope one day I can be proud. I am however proud of the strength I found within myself to stay focussed on DS and my ability to retain my emotional health.

[Lenny]

N2l - thanks. It's great that you are so supportive and passionate about it. It's nice to know that not everyone thinks i am a failure. I still use that word though, sadly, somedays. I'm trying not to though. And it's silly really - i would NEVER ever call someone who had a c/s a failure, yet i'm prepared to call it to myself.
I wish my scar was right on that obstetrician's forehead. Then maybe he could look at it everyday and feel some of sadness and as let-down as i do.

[RainbowBrite]

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Not justifying just explaining the difference.
I own my feeling of failing my babies and I am sure the feeling will fade as time goes on but while they both still have problems from their very early births the feeling of guilt and failure is ever present.

I am thankful every day that they are here and for the most part healthy and am glad I could carry them far enough to give them a fighting chance but it does not mean that my feelings of failure/guilt are not valid and to have these feeling in no way makes you less grateful for what you have.

[Glass half full]

Wow, I just read through this thread again and some responses here broke my heart.

I realise this is a year and a half old, but thought it couldn't hurt to bump it as this will always be relevant.

I can't believe my scar is now 4 years old! When I make myself think back to when my daughter was born and what I went through, it feels like just last week. But on the other hand, I cannot remember not having my scar now.

As positive as I was in my first post, I still sometimes wonder if things could have been different. Should I have had 1 or 2 extra scans to confirm the position of the placenta? But then if I had, what I have been prepared for a natural childbirth? In the end I accept what I have been through, and am proud to have contributed to the VBAC success rate of my local hospital

[Blondie]

I had a VB first time around and yes I gave birth the way nature intended but I would never consider myself above those who had a C-Section both elective or otherwise. Birthing is individual. It's your baby and your birth.

I really do feel for those people who think that they have failed...and I don't understand why they would think that about themselves but we each have our own demons and I respect that people all have different expectations of themselves. I did have some issues to deal with after my Son's birth but me thinking I failed wasn't one of them.

I haven't had my section yet - but for me, I will look at my scar and think, this was my bith, my way and I made the right decision based on what I wanted.

I would encourage people to not look at someone elses birth and think that theirs should have been the same or better. Yes we have a right to have our own birth, the way we would like it but life doesn't always go to plan...and we don't always get what we want, the important thing is to remember we carried and birthed a baby. They are here and safe in our arms. We are very lucky to have been given a chance to experience motherhood and the many things that come with it some within and some not within our control

[Lenny]

I haven't had my section yet - but for me, I will look at my scar and think, this was my bith, my way and I made the right decision based on what I wanted.

I would encourage people to not look at someone elses birth and think that theirs should have been the same or better. Yes we have a right to have our own birth, the way we would like it but life doesn't always go to plan...and we don't always get what we want, the important thing is to remember we carried and birthed a baby. They are here and safe in our arms. We are very lucky to have been given a chance to experience motherhood and the many things that come with it some within and some not within our control

Blonde -please don't try to simplify my c section experience by saying that life doesn't always go to plan. Please don't suggest that I am looking at other people's births and thinking mine should have been the same or better. I share in the joy when mums have awesome birth experiences and I sympathise in their feelings, whatever they may be when the birth does not go how they had hoped and dreamed. Please don't suggest to me that because my child is safe in my arms then it doesn't a matter because I still carried and birthed a baby.

When you say things like some things in life aren't in our control it makes me feel very sad. The birth of my baby should be something that I have control over. It's my baby and my body. Why should someone else assume control over that. It's an absolutely nightmarish situation to watch as all your control is stripped from you and you are bullied and crying all on your own. We don't always get what we want, that is true -but we should never ever get put in that situation.

I get that that is how you feel about it, but don't please suggest to me that that is how I should feel about it. It makes me feel even worse about myself when other people's comments imply that it's not really that bad.

I am grateful everyday for my chance at motherhood. I should be allowed my feelings regarding my c section without someone suggesting that I might be ungrateful that I am a mum and have the chance to a wonderful relationship with my child. I know very well how lucky I am to be a mum.

[LizLemon]

Lenny.

Blondie, I'm really glad that you are looking positively at your decision. Everyone is different and what is pain to someone won't be to someone else. Every feeling is valid.

I had two elective c-sections on the advice of my OB and while I wish I'd had vbs from the pov that they are less risky going forward, it is honestly something I don't even think about or judge myself on. But maybe that's because I don't feel that I was pressured or forced into the decision, and while my c-sections may in retrospect have been unnecessary (who knows how it would have panned out), I still made the call at the advice of someone I trusted and respected, and who ultimately delivered me two healthy bubs.

So my scar to me is just a reminder of those lovely days when my kids were born. I'm very fortunate for this and I feel for anyone whose scar is a negative reminder.

[Blondie]

Lenny: Woah! I'm sorry you took such offense. To be honest I find your response completely and utterly insulting. You have totally twisted my message around to make it seem like a personal attack on all people (and you have seemingly made this about yourself in particular like I am mentioned YOU? ) who haven't coped with their birth, which it is not. I am just providing a different perspective on what we as mothers must sacrifice sometimes to have our babies mentally and physically. Birthing is both a mental and physical act and I would NEVER suggest that people couldn't have feelings one way or another and that their feelings weren't important. I struggle with how you managed to glean from my message above that I was implying that mothers who have feelings seem ungrateful of the chance to experience motherhood I don't know which is worse, you thinking I am attacking people or the fact that you are clearly judging me without knowing me or my situation.