Tearing my heart out... what would you do?

[BellyBelly]

I'm at my wits end, I am close to tears every morning when I take Elijah to care and feel that I can't take much more...

He started the year at 3 year old kinder, which was 2.5h x 3 a week, and with the centre opening etc I needed more. He'd hate going to kinder, sometimes there were tears and it would be hard, but I needed to work so I looked into all day care. He was fine at first, started a couple of days a week and its built up to 4 days. He's gotten so much worse, he starts crying the minute I go to dress him and sobs that he doen't want to go, which escalates when we are in the car, then when we've dropped off Marisa (he knows he's next) and then when we get there. He slows down when we are inside and tries to hide that he's crying, trying to be strong, but he broke down when I left today.

It's killing me, its tearing my heart out... he said he wants to go somewhere else, but I am worried he will be the same and John said well what happens when he goes to school, you going to change him then... to which I snapped back that he doesn't know what it's like to have to take a bawling and sobbing 4 year old to daycare 4 times a week, which has been going on all year... its been long and stressful...

I dont know what to do, I do the drop off and leave right away without showing signs of being upset and today I stayed with him for a bit, he has two friends he loves there, divvy's little Ned and one child he's met at care but he doesnt want to play anymore. Doing my head in.... feel like the worst mum in the world and I dont know what to do

[MantaRay]

Oh no Kelly That must be so very hard.

Have you spoken to the carers to see how he is during the day? I know that most kids stop crying the minute the parent is out of sight. But this sounds like it's more than that. Do you think something has triggered this - like an incident or that he just doesn't like being away from you?

I think there are probably some things you can try to help, but it would probably depend on whether it's just the drop off which is the problem or the whole day. Off the top of head some things you could try are getting someone else to drop him off, or giving him something special to take with him.

I hope you find some answers Kel. I can't imagine how stressful it must be

[Marlene]

Oh Kelly, that sounds just awful, my heart is breaking for you. The fact that he is trying to put on a brave face is soooo sad. I would be a bit worried that he actually wants to change daycare centres, (not stop going all together) is there something happening there, with another child or teacher that he doesnt want to tell you? I'm sure you have already tried to get him to talk to you about it, but maybe try and get him to draw some pictures of his time at daycare...maybe you could get some hints from that.
I hope it is just that he doesnt want to be away from you, and nothing more.
Best of luck and {{big hugs}}.

[fionas]

I'm sure the other girls will pop in and give you advice/tips on possible ways to make him more settled at CC but I just wanted to throw in another option.

I get in-home care for DD which we qualify for because DP is a shiftworker. Basically, the service is offered through our local childcare centre and a carer comes into our home and 95% of the time it's the same carer.

One of the other eligibility criteria is if you work from home which you do, I think. So that might be worth investigating if you think Elijah would be more settled with one-on-one care at home - not that he has to be AT home - the carer can take him out to the park, play centre even the childcare centre etc.

Though I understand that as he's now 4 you may prefer him to go to CC for socialisation aspects rather than have the one-on-one care.

It costs $22 per hour for one child and $2 extra for each 'extra' child. But obviously you get 50% of that back. There's a 4-hour minimum block but no minimum blocks per week. So sometimes, for instance, we have 1-3 blocks per week, other times we have nothing at all.

[BellyBelly]

Thanks so much for the support guys. It's killing me.

Sorry I forgot to add, I have tried asking him alot what he doesn't like about it, the only thing I have gotten out of him is that he doesn't like rest time (they have to lie down etc) as he's not slept during the day for a while now. I told the carers and on the whiteboard they put all the time when they sleep from and they write down that he had quiet play/reading time. So they are trying to help, I dont know if I should teach him that if he doesn't like something you can just change to something else, rather than hang in there but the fact its gotten like this I am just so confused. All the other kids look really happy and well adjusted. I might look into family day care but I really do see him being like this everywhere Never know unless I try I guess... will make some enquiries. Argh its so so hard.

[Olive]

hun it must be soooo hard seeing him getting so upset i like Fionas suggestion, may be worth looking into!!

[Pretty Butterfly]

Can I just ask is he going to school next year, and is he at a CCC, or a preschool???

[christy]

Kelly its so hard to see your little one not adapting.

Matilda had a horrendous time at CC. She wouldn't eat or sleep the entire time she was there. She would cry for hours.... that is why we tried Montessori, because there is more "structure" but its free as well. She thrived there, except the occasional social play ground issues. At first, she was scared of going & did the same things Elijah does, she would cry as I was getting her dressed and sob on the way there. I found out 2 weeks into it that it was the bell they rang for the children to go to class or listen. The sound upset her so much, so the teachers started telling Matilda that they were going to ring the bell & she was fine from then on.

Both my girls have thrived in Family Day Care, and they would go to playgroup with the carer to get socialisation and they both loved it.

[Kitt3n]

Oh you poor thing, nothing hurts more than your upset little one.

It might just be the place. Not that there is anything wrong with it, it may just be the place for him.....

When I was little I hated my first pre school, I cried and cried and cried until the teachers would call my mum to come and get me. I just hated it, I don't know why.

My mum changed my preschool, and I was fine at the next place.

Silly, no reason to it, it was just one of those things.

Maybe you could send him for a trial day to a different place to see how he goes?

[AnyDream]

Kelly I have vivid recollections of being a 3 year old and not coping with the Kinder I was at the time. It was a large centre with a big open playroom and I was overwhelmed by all the noise and all the children, I could not compete for toys either, there were lots of carers but I just didn't bond with any of them. In the end my mother found another centre (I think it was church run) which was quieter, had more space and the play things were spread out differently. I remember loving going there and there was a lady with long curly hair who sang songs with us everyday and it was just right for me.

I really think your DS's distress is a sign that this centre is not right for him. It might be fine for all the other kids but just not a good 'fit' for his personality, kwim? Checking out FDC is a great idea (my kids have always been in FDC so I'm a big fan), but also shop around for other centres, and go with your instinct.

You will know you have found the right place when you feel that calm empathy oozing from the carer towards your child.

[BellyBelly]

Thanks everyone, your posts are helping sooooo much. As you know I am so pro-gentle parenting but sometimes things play in your mind when people think that you are being too soft on them. I'll look into other options, this can't be right or healthy for him.

Its occasional care, he doesn't do kinder anymore as 2.5 hours at a time is too hard for me to manage working fulltime. He will be doing care again next year, then school. Thanks guys *huge hugs*

[BellyBelly]

I just rang the council and they have nothing for family day care They are even doing placements for next year and have nothing, so I am on a waiting list... fingers crossed... will try some other centres in the meantime I guess, if he can do one day a week we can see if he likes it better. *sigh*

[AngelPunks]

Kel
Is Elijah picking up on what is going on at home? Could that be part of the problem?

Just an "out there" thought, could he travel in with Neddy, either Ned comes to your place in the moring or Elijah go to Div's place? Make it a little less traumatic????

He is such a sweetheart, sending the three of you hugs.

[Celsie]

Kelly - do you know anyone who has their child in FDC? If you do, perhaps you could speak to the FDC provider and explain your situation and see if they are able to help you out? Or if they're not able to help, maybe they know someone who could.

I don't think you're being soft at all. How can we help our children thrive in life if we ignore them when they're at their most vulnerable?

[Pretty Butterfly]

Since he has a year left of care before school, I would reccomend a preschool type setting for next year.

They will have simiular routines to school, that wont include a rest time, and classes are generally smaller. He will be slightly more structured, and the kids will all be his own age.

He definatly isn't happy where he is, and it must be so heartbreaking for you babe....

Maybe start a dialogue now, of "big preschool" next year, where he wont have to nap, and see if he gets excited.... If the change makes him happy, then he needs to be outta the CCC....

Sometimes large centres with all ages and no set "work"eg, letters, numbers, colours etc just aren't what our little ones want....

[AnyDream]

Kelly - do you know anyone who has their child in FDC? If you do, perhaps you could speak to the FDC provider and explain your situation and see if they are able to help you out? Or if they're not able to help, maybe they know someone who could.

Very good advice Celsie. Often places fill by word-of-mouth instead of through the office. Ask around and keep asking. The carer that DD2 is with now was 'not taking any more children'...that is until she met my DD (who she now adores) and decided that she could squeeze one more into her week LOL.

[Ellibam]

have you looked in to a fulltime nanny?? you can get the same rebates as ccc's as long as they are registered. he would then be at home or she/he could take him to kinder.
speak to the carers ask what he is like once you are gone...often they will stop crying shortly after you are gone.
is hea shedule type of boy? likes to know whats happening next??
we had one boy who his mum would tell him what time she was going to pick him up and all day he would ask what the time was(annoying for the carers but great for him) and he knew that it was getting closer.
other things to try
-would be not always dropping him of last ( if possible)
- try and time it that you and div get there the same ish time so you can walk in together a distraction from the beginning.
- maybe one day organise with the carers to read to the group so you stay for a good hour or so.

HTH

[BellyBelly]

The group he is in has no more than 10 in the class, its nice and small, they all come together for playtime though and they are fine. He is fine after I leave him. But the gutwrenching bawling starting from getting him dressed to leaving him, every single day is hell