How to teach bubs to self settle???

**Belle with the bump** · January 30th, 2008, 09:39 PM

Hi everyone,
I am at my wits end as my bub does not know how to self settle, so that means he never sleeps in the pram ( screams non-stop ) or in the car. I have NO life as he just doesnt know how to fall asleep on his own. I have tried patting/rocking/singing in his cot but he just gets more and more worked up..

Can anyone give my advise on how to teach bubs to self settle as this is starting to effect our whole house as everytime it is time for a sleep he just goes crazy!
Actually I think I am going crazy as I cant go anywhere....

I seem to think I have brought this apon myself as I have always rocked and sung to him to get him asleep. Now he wants and expects it ALL the time...

Help !

**~kaos~** · January 30th, 2008, 09:43 PM

I think this sounds quite normal for a 3 month old. They need their mumma's to help them get to sleep. Have you tried a sling to help him settle?

**visitor1** · January 30th, 2008, 09:51 PM

Does Toby get wrapped??

Wrapping helps babies feel safe. Perhaps you already do that...if not give it a try.

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · January 30th, 2008, 10:02 PM

I'd love an answer too!

OK, the "experts" recommend that EVERY sleep is in the bed and you don't use the bedroom for anything else, so it becomes a sleep association.

Patting and "ssshing" are SUPPOSED to work then you just lessen the amount of your helping.

Sleepy toys and sleepy music - again, association-building.

It took me about 9 months before I could get DS to sleep without walking him up and down and up and down. He still needs patting to sleep. I have had the same sleep toys pretty much since birth (Tinephant and Coo since birth, Herr Hare is the main one and that was since 4w old). I was lucky though, DS will usually sleep OK in the pushchair or the car if he's tired. But as soon as DS realised it was sleep time he would scream and scream and scream until he fell asleep, even in my arms. He's better now for day sleeps! Loads of praise helps. He still screams every time I put him into his bed, even if he's asleep two minutes later (and he shuts up once the patting starts).

**Belle with the bump** · January 30th, 2008, 10:15 PM

I use the sling sometimes, sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. He is neary 7.5kgs and getting really heavy that why I wanted to have a plan to get him into the cot and stick to it.
I have tried wrapping him but from day one, he hated it! he would struggle and squirm around and wake himself up even more.
If I leave him in the cot and put a hand on him or pat, his cries just get louder and louder till he almost vomits! This breaks my heart cause he looks sooo tired but just wont settle.
He also knows when its bed time, as soon as I go into a dark room, he starts screaming and arches his back. Im quite worried about him and I have started obsessing over this.

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · January 30th, 2008, 10:29 PM

Yup, sounds just like my DS! I want to just put him down and leave the room and that's it, but not happening no matter what I try.

Have you tried letting him sleep on his tummy? I know that it's not fashionable at the moment, but DS tummy-sleeps and always puts his head on one side. If Toby can lift his head up then it's not a hazard any more.

**Nadine216** · January 30th, 2008, 11:34 PM

One of the other girls on here said she will pull the cot next to the bed and then hold her bub's hand through the bars till bubba fell asleep. That, to me, sounded like a good idea. Maybe give that a try.

DD was also very restless at some point, and it does get better. Granted that may not be in a year (Poor Ryn is still having problems

), but at some point BEFORE they turn 12, they don't have to be rocked to sleep

. I don't believe that at 3 months of age that he had gotten used to you rocking him to sleep. And like you said some night he will go to sleep in the sling, so I would just carry on and get him to sleep no matter what. I know that your arms must feel like they are breaking off, but I feel that it does not matter HOW you get him to sleep, just THAT he gets some sleep. There was a time when dd would ONLY sleep in my arms. I spend the ENTIRE day infront of the TV holding her while she slept. You sooooooo want to just put her down and DO something, anything. Just have a little you time.

If he knows he must sleep in a dark room, leave a night light on. Even if it's to bright for YOU to go to sleep in, maybe he likes it bright and you can always put it off later when he is sound asleep?? Could make it less stressfull for him

Could it be that something is bothering him, like reflux or colic???

**Belle with the bump** · February 1st, 2008, 03:33 PM

Yeah Toby has reflux and is on medication. We have bricks under his cot so it is tilted. I seem to think he just doesnt want to be out of our arms, thats why he hates it in the pram or the car cause he is not in our arms. I have tried lying on a matress with him but that doesnt work either. He cries and then doesnt stop until we pick him up. He wakes alot crying, think he may have nightmares?

**Skye03** · February 5th, 2008, 04:57 PM

Hi, I don't know what help I can be as we're going through the same thing with our 4 month old, but for what it's worth....

Our bub is a fan (!?!!) of being rocked to sleep, however it took a good few months to learn that the crying, arching of the back etc he does when I rock him is not neccessarily him wanting to get out of my arms but it means he's actually very nearly at the point of falling asleep and he's really fighting it. We push through this barrier now as it usually means he's very soon going to fall asleep and 99% of the time, he's off very shortly after the final back arch and whinge. I guess I'm saying perhaps persevere for another 5 mins or so if you think they are hating the rocking singing etc, as they are probably much closer than they appear to dropping off to sleep!

Also - does your bub face you in the pram? Our bub NEVER slept in the pram, always crying etc. But then I turned him round (kind of upside down as we're in a phil 'n teds!) so he could face me and now (on a good day!) he falls asleep in the pram. It's made a really big difference to have him face me. Even now, if I turn him around so he's not facing me he cries and carries on again!

Hope this helps, good luck and you're definitely not alone!!

But as for self settling - I have no idea what the answer is and I envy those parents of bubs who can magically put them in their cot and they usually fall asleep with no fuss!!

**blue daisy** · February 5th, 2008, 05:01 PM

I have a collegue in Perth who makes home visits for breast feeding and sleep/settling issues

she does not do controlled crying

I would be happy to PM you her details if you like

x blue daisy

**Willow** · February 5th, 2008, 05:19 PM

Damn Blue Daisy, wish i lived in Perth, I'd be getting her number!! LOL.

We are in the process of teaching DS to self settle, we're making progress but still have a way to go. He is at the point now where he can put himself to sleep in his cot (sometimes with some help from me ie shhhhing, patting, stroking) but hasn't learnt to resettle when he wakes during a sleep yet (well he does do it sometimes but definitely hasn't mastered it!).

Just understand that it does take time (a LOT of time sometimes) and a lot of hard work but it's totally worth it in the end (went through the same process with DD).

I know not everyone is a fan, but if you feel like you need to be supported through the process, someone like Blue Daisy's colleague or a sleep school can really help!

**~Trish~** · February 5th, 2008, 05:35 PM

It is so draining isn't it?! Baby's sleeping can really make us obsess! My DS is the same, as soon as we walk in his room he knows it is nap time and he cries. I'd love to know why babies fight sleep! Just keep persevering, your DS needs your love and cuddles right now. He will get there eventually.

I don't know if it's worth a mention or not, but my first DS was a TERRIBLE day sleeper, he would only sleep in our arms and he would scream in his car seat and pram (just like your DS). In my desperation I took him to a paediactric chiropractor and we discovered his right shoulder had been dislocated since birth, this was not detected by the paediatrician at the hospital. The chiro fixed it up (very, very gently) and he was a new baby. They say that unsettled babies go into the clinic and settled ones come out! Anyway, just thought I'd let you know what helped us.

I really hope you get some relief soon

**Spring Angel** · February 5th, 2008, 05:44 PM

Belle: So sorry to hear about how difficult it is to get bub to sleep.. Just the other day I was asking almost the same questions. It just becomes all consuming doesn't it, as soon as I would see DS's tired signs I would feel like I would be bracing myself for the struggle. It is terrible, it is hard work so you have my sympathy.

A few days ago I made the drastic change of putting DS in the cot and staying with him shhhssing him, and patting him until he sleeps. I also stroke his forehead which seems to really calm him down. I don't let him cry, if he gets too worked up I pick him up, but it is almost like he needs 5-10 mins of whinging to wind down. He still puts up a struggle, but no where near as bad as when I was walking, rocking and swaying. What used to easily take 45 mins now takes about 5 -10 mins.

I second the Paed Chiro. DS goes to one and he has worked wonders. I would recommend it to anyone who is having issues with settling.

Spring xx

**Willow** · February 5th, 2008, 06:03 PM

PMSL, funny how I seem to bump into you in these sorts of threads Trish! And Spring!

**~Trish~** · February 5th, 2008, 06:16 PM

LOL Willow, we should start a "Sleeping Buddies" group!!

**Spring Angel** · February 5th, 2008, 06:43 PM

''CTMA' Crazy Tired Mums Anonymous - LMAO

**~Kim~** · February 5th, 2008, 07:00 PM

Belle, sweetie, you aren't doing anything wrong. You aren't teaching him bad habits either. Babies that little don't have the brain connections to have mastered manipulation.
I too had a child that was a fighter. It's not bad it's just strong spirited. If you have a read of these threads there's heaps of us that have suffered and are still suffering, so know you aren't alone hun. Is he medicated for his reflux? I know that made a huge difference for Darcy. I was fortunate enough to be able to wear her in a sling as she wasn't that heavy for a good 5 months. Another godsend for me was our battery operated swing. We went through a tonne of batteries but it was worth it for the peace I got from it. I got mine on ebay very cheaply.
There is a good article in the current Motehr and Baby and it talks about the 5 S's. Swaddling, Shhing, Singing, swaying and sucking.
I also found swaddling tightly helped. I did that until she was 7 months old. They do need security. Does he have a dummy. I know some aren't a fan, but for us it works (and still does).They are little for such a short time.

DoubleK · February 5th, 2008, 07:23 PM

I cant really offer any advice, as Krystal still doesnt self settle

she has breast fed to sleep since she was born, thats worked for us, so i was happy to do it.. now i wish i had tried to teach her to self settle a lot earlier (i will be doing that with the next bub in the future!)

we went to the O'Connell family centre just after Krystals first birthday, they were great, with their help, i manaed to get Krystal to sleep.. the only thing is i had to let her cry. it wasnt controlled crying, but just listening to her cries.. and responding when needed. the thing is, i couldnt do this at home, i couldnt let her cry and cry and cry, so i never stuck to it! maybe i need to go back to O'Connell and tell them to help me without lwtting her scream in the room on her own!

there a few sleep clinics around, and thats what they specialise in... maybe give them a go, the o'connell centre was a 3 night stay, and i also did a day-stay program.

HTH & good luck!!