"Tough Love"

[Jennifer13]

Look slightly horrified when they suggest doing that and say "Oh no, we could never do that with our baby!" And leave it at that. Politely thank them and change the conversation. You've got every right to talk about what you're going through, but I guess there are always people who you wouldn't share some things with and you can only learn that after you try!

FWIW, you only need to know that you and DH believe in what you're doing. This is a very short period of her life, it will pass soon. You're doing a fabulous job being tuned in to her needs and not ignoring them.

[Honeybee]

It's like, when they offer their "solution" then I can't complain about it if I'm not willing to do something about it. You know what I mean?

That's exactly how I feel! But 'their' solution is always one size fits all - you put the baby in another room, in a cot and you do controlled crying. When they are a toddler you force them to stay in their own room, and if they keep getting up you start using threats or you shut them in the room. I know that this approach is too harsh for my DS, I've told everyone that it's not something I'm prepared to do, yet people still recommend it. I guess they've found it works for them. Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

My suggestion would be to stick with BB for sleep advice, and just ignore what everyone else says - you're perfectly entitled to do it your way with your baby!

[HotI]

I hear ya! Most of the time i can just nod and smile or brush it off. When i'm going through a rough bit, and trying to work out what i can try next, it gets a bit harder. It's those times that i wish someone would say 'you are doing a great job'. it's the naysayers (usually people who do lots of things i wouldn't do and whose opinions i don't really care for) that seem to want to speak up then.

[Persephone1]

Oh hun, I hear ya. Apparently we're not allowed to be frustrated or upset or have a vent unless we're willing to accept all pieces of advice on how to fix it - even if we weren't looking for a solution, just venting. One of my MG heard me complain about DS's constant night-feeding and offered me a sachet of formula Why can't I just whinge for a minute without getting thrown stupid advice and "solutions"?

Also...my rule of thumb is that any advice that begins with "He HAS to LEARN..." is crap advice and should be disregarded as soon as possible.

You ARE doing a great job. keep reminding yourself of that and go gently - with yourself as well as with your DD

[dusty]

I was thinking about this last night as I've been experiencing something similar and Honeybee's words really resonate. Tough love is working for my friends in establishing routines, and a good quality of life for them as a couple and individually. I've even found myself questioning my parenting when face with their evidence but I always come back to I prefer to respond to my child's needs and with my child when she cries there is always a reason and I just need to work our what it is. The last couple of nights she has been waking every couple of hours doing my head in but she was really thirsty in the heat and once fed went back off to sleep happy and satisfied. Why would I have ignored her cries. I would be so unhappy too if I couldn't get out of bed for a drink and DH ignored my pleas for some water.

So thank you MummaSue for posting this and helping me understand why I am parenting the way I am when surrounded by differing advice. And like you I'm also going to skip on the social occasions if my child needs me (hopefully I will get to some but if not that's life). As Jennifer says this is such a short time (and it too shall pass) and I want to know I parented the way I wanted that met the needs of my child. I had 40 years of self indulgence and having things my way and in the last 6 years all I wanted was to have a child and meet their needs. So for me it really isn't a sacrifice as I'm doing what I was meant to do (if that makes sense?).

[MummaSue]

Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

This is how I'm feeling just now.

My MG are lovely, I'm not dissing them at all but they have started a one night a month thing where we all meet up without the babies. I've been unable to go and remain unable to go because of DDs sleep. So I'm to try the tough love so that I can get a night out? I don't think so.

[sloane]

Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

that's exactly how i feel as well. but then in the last month, DS has slept through the night twice & i feel vindicated. it's only twice but i feel so good that we've had that while still sticking with what we think is the best way to parent our DS. he's been fed to sleep 80% of the time, we co-sleep, he's on a matress on the floor & has spent maybe only 20 nights in his cot....and we've still seen improvement. and yes, i've yelled, i've screamed, i've cried but we've still stuck with it!

[MummaSue]

I'm glad I posted this. Thank you everyone.... whilst it can be draining and sometimes frustrating parenting this way, it is the best way for our babies. I just need to look at DD and see how awesome she is and what she's doing.

Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed. Glad to know that I'm keeping everyone amused. FFS.

I'm taking a week out from human contact I think. Just need to spend some time with DD and DH to gather myself.

[Mak]

Oh Sue - that is awful and you know what she probably thinks that is helpful...... You are doing an amazing job! I found all that comparison stuff awful and really challenged who I thought I was. When you are that sleep deprived I found it is also really hard to keep an even keel with everyone/anyone who offered 'help'..... grrrhh.
Take care - and try and nap when she does or at least rest. xxxx

[westy]

Aww Sue i'm so sorry that your feeling this way, i know it's easier said then done but please dont let these mummies and their unwanted advice/comments get to you.

You are an awesome mum to your beautiful little Evie Jean, so please please please dont ever think or say you are or feel like you are a rubbish mum because that is so untrue...you are awesome and so is Evie, you just continue to do things in the way you wish to do them and forget about what anyone else has to say.Like it has been said they are only babies for such a short time and all of this will pass soon.

We must meet up again one day when school goes back, until then take care - i am thinking of you

[HotI]

My MG are lovely, I'm not dissing them at all but they have started a one night a month thing where we all meet up without the babies. I've been unable to go and remain unable to go because of DDs sleep. So I'm to try the tough love so that I can get a night out? I don't think so.

Surely you are not the only Mum not going to these outings. I would only be there if they were baby friendly events cos bub would be there with me .

Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed. Glad to know that I'm keeping everyone amused. FFS.

mate, you are not the only one. i am awake and changing sides with bub every couple hours so she can fill up for another hour or two of sleep.

[Honeybee]

Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed.

What? That is so not funny. I'd be tempted to take a week off from them as well. It's so hard, because it's great to have the contact with other mums and share the things that we do have in common, but it can also make me feel like a bit of an oddball, because I do things a bit differently.

Actually, what I have started trying to do is be a bit more confident about my style of parenting. I think I may have spoken about it in a kind of apologetic way before, and I try to be more matter-of-fact about it now. Still doesn't stop the controlled crying type of advice if I ever have a whinge though. I think I have trouble feeling confident about the way I choose to parent, and I wonder sometimes if that's why I'm offered advice - I talk like I'm a bit lost, so people try to help the only way they know how.

Also - I think that the benefits of the 'tough love' parenting are more readily apparent - parents get evenings together, they can go out easily, babysitting is easy etc. The benefits of the more gentle style are harder to notice to the outside observer - more securely attached little people who will hopefully have a really strong foundation to build on for the rest of their lives. When I lose confidence in what I'm doing (which I have been recently), I try to remind myself that this will pay off in the end - for DS and for our relationship with him as he grows up. Thanks for this thread hun - it's reminded me again to try to stay on track.

You are doing a fabulous job with your DD, and she is lucky to have you as her mummy

[Mak]

I felt much better after reading 'the Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland - kind of reminded me why I had chosen the approach I had (in the end, when I hadn't been talked out of it by others...). FWIW Miss 2 and a bit coslept, until she insisted on a bed of her own, was fed to sleep (and sometimes hourly over night) and is now the most confident, stubborn and fiercely independent little girl. Partly personality I know but also I am convinced cos she felt so secure etc.

ETA Actually she is almost a bully.....hmm......lol!!!

[MummaSue]

Thank you again everyone.

It's good to know I'm not alone. I read somewhere that the controlled crying approach is "short term gain for a long term loss".

A couple of weeks ago I was directed to a thread on another forum which turned into a MASSIVE argument about controlled crying. There was a woman who posted there saying that she was convinced that her teenage son's mental health difficulties are down to the fact that she did controlled crying with him. Made me feel really sad for her. I've worked with teens with mental health difficulties for a long time and when we would take their history, many of them had been subject to controlled crying. Always used to freak me out when I chatted to the parents.

I have varying degrees of confidence. It's just been thrown this week a bit because DD is struggling too. When she is sad I wonder if I'm doing something wrong - but of course I'm not because she has teeth on the way! Wee sausage!

Anyway, that was a bit of a digression.

Thank you again all!

S X

ETA - the Science of Parenting is a permanent fixture on my bedside table! Love that book!