Complicated Situation - Advice Needed

[peanutter]

wow, what a monster for you to come to terms with! Big hug.

I'm sure you're putting your little boy's best interests first in all of this, and that is definately the place to start.

It must be confusing and overwhelming being told that you might need to start planning your total family now, at such a young age! I hope you've had a bit of time to digest that, before having to make any life changing decisions.

A couple of things which I would be thinking about, if I was in your shoes:-

1. whoever the father of your children is, they will have rights and obligations for the rest of your client's life. They can try to stop you from moving away, they can try to get custody of the kids, etc. And there are financial and moral obligations too, as well as the possibility of their families trying to step in too, to get to know their niece/grandson/cousin/etc. All this might not be relevant when things are happy and friendly, but things can go wrong ... and your child will have rights to contact their father too.

2. if the man you like isn't able to be with you right now, because of his partner's mental condition, I'm not sure why he'll be able to be with you next year ... if anything, I would imagine that it will be 100 times harder to leave her, with a little baby - particularly if it's his baby ... I think that would just complicate things a lot more, because then he'll probably want to make sure his girlfriend AND his baby are ok and taken care of ... and if she has serious problems now, or a difficult pregnancy etc, there's probably a really big risk that she might get post natal depression, and need even more help ... even if he doesn't love her anymore, I would imagine most nice guys wouldn't be able to leave someone they once loved enough to sleep with, if she had just had their baby, and probably needed a lot of support.

3. I guess I would also be thinking about how getting pregnant can take a while sometimes, and if I felt like I was on a clock, having to get pregnant pronto so I wasn't losing my chances, that might stress me out, which might make it harder for me to get preggers. and I might be worried about how that would be affecting me, and my kid, and my other relationships. I would probably need someone really solid with me, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend, or a family member who is really sticking my me. If my boyfriend situation was complicated, that would probably stress me out more, because it might feel all uncertain. I would probably need some help and support - do you have someone nice and solid who you can count on?

4. It's nice of your friend to be offering to donate sperm - but I can't imagine sleeping with one of my guy friends ... I think if I had a friend that good that he would be willing to do that for me, I would be worrying that having sex (even if it's agreed that it's just to get pregnant) might make the friendship awkward, IYKWIM? I've dated friends a couple of times, and with a couple of them, I really wish we could go back to just being buddies, because I miss the vibe we had, before we dated.

5. I think a really big concern of mine is how I would cope, if the relationship with your nice guy didn't end up happening, or didn't work out well ... while I of course would never regret having another baby, and there are plenty of single mothers who do a hero of a job, I would imagine being a single mother of two would be really hard! Or being pregnant with one baby, and still having to look after your boy on your own, that would be hard too.

6. Another thing which would worry me, is if your nice guy isn't keen on having a baby with you, are you sure he'd be happy with you having a baby with someone else? I guess I don't understand why, if he wants to be with you and he's fine with you (as his partner) having a baby and another one on the way, why he wouldn't want to be the father of your baby, if he's in this for the long haul. Maybe I'm missing something?

I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationships, so all of this is stuff which I might be thinking or worrying about if your situation was mine. I don't want to try to tell you what to do, because this is all just my opinion of how I would feel in your position.

I really hope that things work out for you, and I wish you all the very, *very* best.

[Sagres]

Oh gosh that is a difficult situation, I can understand why you are going around in circles.

It seem like to have some one who is a 'maybe partner in the future' fathering a child would put a huge pressure on the relationship and might kill it before it even gets a chance to find it's own feet. I just think it would be hard to build a relationship with him in such an extreme situation IYKWIM. And what it he turns out to be not such a nice guy, where would that leave you and your second child?

Would you be able to use the services of a sperm bank to allow you to have child number 2, then you can see how things pan out with the nice guy (or another nice guy should one happen to come along) without the pressure of him being the father and having to have a role in there somewhere. Sorry I don't know if this is an option for you or not.

[BeautifulMadness]

it sounds like this "nice guy" who wants to be with possibly next year......maybe playing games....

First off, you arent together so you can sleep with whoever you want, if he is serious then he will make his feelings known and try to be the best he can be by doing right by his child and you.

Also if he cant be with you know due her issues, when baby is born its going to 100 times worse.

[Marley&Me]

Wow, what a sticky situation.
I have to agree. As much as i hate to admit it, this ex-girlfriend may never go away. My own relationship has encountered a woman like this and after 10 years she still hasn't disappeared. I would definitely look into other options for a pregnancy at a later stage. There has to be something they can help you with.
I hope you can find some answers and wish you best of luck

[Sunny Love]

He would prefer that the father didnt have anything to do with the kid.

I have waited 11yrs for this nice guy to tell me he likes me.. I dont think I can give up on it now. Im almost in tears just thinking about it.

Maybe I should just risk waiting. sigh. Its all to hard right now

..... and you're 23 years old now? I don't know what to say.
Maybe you should just take each day as it comes in terms of 'relationships', 'boyfriends' and 'men'. Busy yourself with your son for now. As far as the doctors telling you 'do it now' etc etc, I would be cautious and perhaps seek another opinion. I don't understand how they could actively encourage you with those statements under current medico-legal policy.
Im with the other girls, the ex gf won't go away, and why should she really? She is having his child?

All the best in your future