How Does One Ignore The Ticking of The Clock?

[Natalia]

First off... if this is in the wrong section of the forums, I do apologise. I haven't posted on here much before... So again, sorry.

Anyway....
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm 25 years old, my family has a history of ovarian/uterine problems, and I've been feeling for the past two years as though I want to start a family. Nothing is more important to me in life, than the goal of bringing a beautiful new person into the world.

But I've hit a catch. I just broke up 7 months ago with the only boyfriend I've ever had, because he isn't interested, ever, in having children or a married lifestyle. This leaves me alone, and I think sometimes, without much hope of ever getting another boyfriend (I'm not the most attractive of people).

And everyday, these feelings inside of me grow stronger. It's as though my biological clock is ticking at me. VERY loudly. SO loudly it fills my head with its ticking and I can't make it stop, I can't ignore it.

I've thought about it for a very long time, and I know women have had babies before when they've been single. I live with my best friend and her mother, both very darling people who I'm sure would help me out were I to become pregnant.

But yet every person I talk to about this says I need to seek help, because having a baby is ridiculous. But this is more than a passing whim. I've been so desperate to have a child for so very long time.

God created me and put me on this earth and made me a woman that is capable of bringing life into the world, I don't see why so many people attack me when I consider doing so.


I know a lot of people here are going to say "well, you know, its a BIG responsibility"... and I'm aware of that. When my sisters firstborn was only a baby, I was the one who spent most of the time looking after her, changing her nappies, holding her when she cried.

Everytime I go to the mall and I see pregnant women or babies, I just want to burst into tears, my body is screaming at me that its the time, but people are screaming at me that its not.


I'm at a loss. So many people tell me what I am thinking and feeling is stupid. How can it be stupid to bring something as wonderful as a child into the world???

[Rumpleteaser]

I know it would not be the same, but have you thought about fostering? I think there is a charity called Banardos that are always looking for suitable people to foster 3 year olds to teenagers.

[Natalia]

I've thought about it, and once or twice I've actually contacted an agency that my sisters friend put me in touch with.
I spoke to them and they said that whilst they are desperate for foster carers, I didn't fit their mould, because I'm single, not married, don't own or rent my own home and live with friends, etc etc... They gave me so many awful reasons I couldn't look after a child.

And I know fostering is fantastic, I so admire the people who can do it, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'd be able to do it. I mean, I have a tendency to be a very "attaching" person. People, pets, whatever, I love the love, and the feeling and the other being so much, that I feel I can't ever give it up. I dated my boyfriend for almost 7 years and we still see each other every week because I couldn't let go of the attachment completely. We're no longer a couple, but are the closest of friends.

I wouldn't want to be looking after a child, and loving it so dearly, and being so close to it, and then at the end of the time when its all said and done for whatever reason, having to give it back. Everytime it would break me and my heart until I wouldn't ever be able to do it again.

[satya]

You still have plenty of time left to have a child so don't rush in to it. Bringing up children on your own is hard work. I have had a number of friends over the years who've done it and none of them did it by choice.

I noticed that you said that there's a family history of ovarian and uterine problems. I'm presuming thats part of the reason for you wanting to rush things a little. You may or may not suffer similar problems in the future. It could cause trouble TTC or with pregnancy and this would be far harder to deal with without a loving partner to help you through the hard times.

I'd say wait until you are in a loving relationship again. It will happen again if you allow it to happen. We all go through times in our lives when we feel we will never be part of a loving relationship again, but suddenly it happens again. Have a little confidence in yourself and someone will see you for the loving person you are and welcome you into their life and then the babies will come.

[Natalia]

On the 20th of this month, I'm going for an ultrasound, the doctors suspect I may have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).
I spent the entirety of last night just thinking, and feeling and trying not to cry my eyes out, since I can't do much of anything about anything...

Call me jaded or warped or whatever, but sometimes I feel as though perhaps I won't find another real relationship because my mind, when it comes to relationships/love, lives in a fantasy land, where love is like it is in the movies, and its beautiful and wonderful... and its not like that. Nobody ever has a relationship like that in real life. I ask too much mayhaps. But yet, sometimes I feel like its so incredibly hard to love the other person. Everything seems sometimes to be so fake. I say "I love you" but as soon as the other person touches me, or wants to hold me, I don't mean what I say. I want to say "Get off me".

I know it sounds insane, but I am actually quite terrified of another relationship with a grown human being. Because they can hurt you with their words, they can hurt you with their touch, they can lie, you can lie... and then the sex... God forbid the sex... I hate it. A guy can be perfectly well intentioned, but all he has to do is touch me, or hold my hand, and thats it. That's the end, I don't want to know anything about it anymore, terror screams in my brain that its all going somewhere it shouldn't, and it shouldn't go there, and I back away and just want to go home.

Now you maybe understand why I say I have problems with finding another relationship.

[Natalia]

I managed to double post. Weird.
Sorry.

[Rumpleteaser]

Natalia: I really feel for you. I wish I could say something to make everything ok. It is good you are seeking medical attention for possible PCOS. It sound like you have low self esteem and are punishing yourself for whatever reasons and don't think you deserve to find someone. All I know is that you wont find a man to treat you well if you dont feel like you deserve to be treated that way and you will end up with men who will hurt you.
I know it is easier said than done, but you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone and anyone can love you. From the way you talk it sounds like something terrible happened in your past that you have not been able to get over. Wehn you see your Dr about PCOS you should also speak to them about how you are feeling. It sounds like you need regular councelling. Try and get out for 30mins of regular exercise and fresh air. I know if I don't I end up feeling really down.
I do hope you can find the strength to overcome these problems, there is no reason you can't find someone special, love can be found in some of the most unsual of situations. Keep and open mind and heart.

[satya]

I have been investigated twice for PCOS (10 years apart) and both times I was found not to have it so don't stress about something that may not come to pass.

Children can also hurt you with their touch and their words, and some frequently lie so please don't go down that track thinking you are going to have some perfect child who is going to make you complete - they simply don't exist. Children and adults are human after all and all humans have their faults - some more than others and you can never predict how someone's going to turn out.

Like Charlotte said you must love yourself before you can love another. I'm also thinking you've been hurt somehow in the past. Perhaps some counselling could do you some good.

[Natalia]

I have no preconceptions about giving birth to the perfect baby, because I know that doesn't exist... Perfection doesn't exist anywhere... the love side of things is more from me.

When I was with my ex, and that lasted almost seven years... I told him I loved him, and I honestly thought I did, but I don't know anything about love, and as a result, I think I went through quite a few of those years giving lip service. Somewhere deep down, I don't think I loved him, because I treated him quite badly. Whether this was out of fear of the sex, I don't know.

I have an idea though that parental love (at least in most cases) is unconditional...

[SallyJ]

Natalia, I have been following your thread, and it seems to me that you are looking to a child to fill the emptiness and give you the love you crave. Please please please get some counselling, having a baby would not solve all your problems and may create a whole bundle more problems.

No matter what your situation, you owe it to a child to make sure that you are in a good place emotionally and psychologically before conceiving, and it doesn't sound to me like you are in a good place right now.

[Jennifer13]

Hi Natalia

It really does sound like you are hurting right now and I'm not surprised you are not comfortable with the idea of another relationship so close to the one that's just gone. Seven years is a long time to spend loving someone and have it apparently come to nothing.

To make yourself feel better about how much time you do actually have as far as conception goes, I would get the possible PCOS and any other problems you suspect you have investigated. If it turns out everything is fine, then you can stop worrying a little that you'll miss your chance to be a Mummy and if there is something to find it can be treated now, when you're not in the middle of trying to have a baby.

I would try to get some help, perhaps counselling, as far as how you're feeling in regards to a new relationship. Maybe when you do that you will come to feel you would rather have a baby on your own, maybe you won't. But you should at least give yourself every possible chance of having a happy family life, one that is supportive and fulfilling for you as well as your child. To have the love of a child is fabulous, to be able to share that with a partner is even better and you certainly deserve every possible happiness in your life.

{Hugs} and hope you find some answers soon.

[Muppity]

Hi Natalia

I really feel for you hon. I went through my early 20s "knowing" that I would have problems conceiving because Drs told me that I would. I swung from feeling like I would never find someone because I couldn't have kids easily to feeling like I just needed to find someone, anyone because that was the only chance that I ever had and if it was going to be hard I had best get started. And I too thought that I should just settle for anyone that came along because I didn't think I was very attractive.

And you know what, it is all crap! So what if my face is a little rounder that other peoples and my bum keeps wobbling after I stop walking that isn't who I am. I am an amazing intelligent woman who now has a wonderfully loving husband (who is really quite cute but don't tell him I said that) and although we need a bit of assistance in the whole TTCing it doesn't matter because we have eachother to get us through.

I really hope that you get good news from your Dr in relation to the PCOS and I do think that a bit of counselling would help you discuss your feelings towards not only children but also relationships.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[Natalia]

Eeeek, got news from the local university today! I had applied for their Psychology course, and didn't know whether or not I'd get in. The apparently sent out a whole bunch of letters to people saying "we're offering you a place, RSVP by this certain date or miss out" and like... five people didn't RSVP, so I got in. I accepted my place today.

Either way, I was talking to my housemates mum (the one who owns the place I am living now, we all live together) and I was telling her how I'd like to have a child at some point and she turned around and said "that's good... go have one. When you move out."

O.O

I was kind of shocked she'd say that, this is coming from the person who once told me she wanted to have four kids and ended up having only the one. She then went into a tirade about how she doesn't want to have to deal with a baby in HER house. Wow.
I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts, honestly.

[SallyJ]

That's fair enough - a baby makes an enormous impact on a house, inconveniences everyone who lives in it, and I can understand her point of view, it is a lot to impose on someone.

Congratulations on getting into uni! Isn't it incredible that people failed to RSVP! Still, their loss is your gain. Concentrate on getting your psych degree, get some counselling, and think about children again when you are ready.

The unconditional love of a child is not going to heal your pain. You need to be healed first - the world is full of children who have been damaged by damaged parents.

I hope things work out for you,

[paradise lost]

Natalia, it seems with your recent struggles inside about when to have a family, that you have been searching for an answer. I think the offer from Uni is a sign. The course will allow you to put off your decision and any children you have in the future will have the benefit of a better educated mummy who will be able to demand better pay and conditions and provide well for her kids.

I get the feeling from some of the things you said that something has happened to you in your past which has made you frightened of sex and really committing to a relationship. No, a relationship is never all romance and roses, but it shouldn't be hardship or distress either. I have recovered from child sexual abuse in my past and i urge you to seek help to deal with whatever happened to you, so you can move forwards and find happiness and companionship and love, love you are SURE of, in the future.

Your landlady has been honest with you and that's brilliant! How much better to hear that now than to hear "Move out" when you are already PG?

I get the impression you have a lot of love to give Natalia, ALOT of love, and that is a beautiful thing. But first you need to love YOU, before you can love a baby. Loving a child can be incredibly painful, at times it is totally thankless caring for a child, and it is so hard doing it alone, believe me.

Concentrate on your studies, get yourself some counselling to sort out how you feel about relationships and the future, get yourself a great career going, and love will find you - it always comes to the loving and you are very loving. THen you can bring your children into the best position possible and watch them grow with minimum hardship to yourself and maximum pride in your mothering skills.

Bx

[Natalia]

Being "non-educated" doesn't necessarily make a person a bad mother.

My mother had a horrible childhood and never did more than 3 months of school a year, as her own mother kept popping out children and then forcing her oldest daughter (that being my mum) to take care of them rather than doing it herself.

My mum was a really good mum. A bit weird, but everyone is weird at some point. The fact she was uneducated simply meant she couldn't help with me with my homework, but even my dad who WAS educated wouldn't help me with my homework coz it was all way over his head.

At the moment too, courtesy of Centerlink being a bunch of prats, I can only afford to do my course part time, two subjects at the most. Which means EIGHT YEARS if I am forced to continue doing it the way I have to now... and then another three years extra study tacked on to actually be able to practice counselling, or psychology...

It's a long time to study.

On Monday I'm going for my pelvic ultrasound the doctor sent me on, and then on 31st January I get to find out what the results are, blood work and all that jazz. Thats the soonest time I can get in to see my lady doctor, she's only in town on Thursdays. But on the 31st, I can let everyone know all the results and stuffs.

[paradise lost]

You're absolutely right that lots of women have to end their education for their families, but i know lots too who would have liked to continue if they could. If centrelink are mucking you about it's unlikely they'll be able to do so for 8 long years. Things change hun, you're really bright - you got into uni, it's such a shame to waste such a great opportunity. There are lots of mums on here who have had kids AND gone to Uni, so that can be done too, but it is hard hard work.

My mum left school at 14 and was having babies by 17. I'm her 6th, born when she was 43 and she STILL hadn't made it back to her education, something which she talked about with regret so often. She sadly died in her 60's and never did make it back to school.

I know the 8 years of study is a long time, if it ends up being that long, but perhaps it is worth it to have the rest of your life with a great career and enough money that you never have to struggle?

I guess i think not everyone has the sort of mind that can take them to uni, and when someone does, that's special, that's a gift they should be allowed to use for the good of both themselves and the society they live in. Everyone has value and it's great to find where our strengths lie and maximise them. I bet you're going to make a brilliant mum. And i bet you could make a great psychologist (if that is your aim). There's no reason you can't be both.

GOOD GOOD GOOD luck with the ultrasound hun.

Bx

[Indadhanu]

Hi Natalia,

I can really sense a lonliness in you... Splitting up with your partner is an awful and heartbreaking experience for anyone. But don't be so down on yourself that you'll never find another partner or have a relationship or start a family. University can open up so many doors, and connect you with like-minded people you never knew existed. All is not lost :hugs:

It also seems like maybe you do want a child to fill that lonliness you feel... so you can look at this little person and know you'll never be alone or without love because you have this child... If your desire to have a baby is very strong, then you'll understand the importance of making sure you are in the right place, emotionally, to raise a child. It's true, you can't love and look after someone else properly unless you can love and look after yourself. It does sound to me like you have some trust/intimacy issues. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor and working through them?

I have PCOS... it doesn't mean you won't be able to conceive... it just means that its a bit more complicated, and you'll probably need some help. PCOS is pretty common, but I understand your fear... I cried my eyes out when I got the diagnosis, but calmed down a lot after talking to many many people who conceived, some naturally and some with the help of medication and drs.

Have you considered being a respite carer? It's a few steps below being a foster carer, and so so so important. My bro has CP and his weekend repsite carers were mostly uni students in their mid 20's studying things like human services, social work, and psychology. Respite carers are so important to both the children and the families, and you have the opportunity to give a child experiences they might not have had otherwise. My bro's respite carer used to take him to museums and the movies and art gallerys and musicals and all of those cultural things that were also very difficult for us to take him to.

I would wait until you are in a happy, love-filled relationship (yes, they do exist) to bring a child into this world. Through the 6 months of fertility treatment last year, and 4 months of TTC, I know for a fact I could not have done it without the support of my partner. These first few months pf pregnancy have been pretty tough with morning sickness and exhaustion, and I couldn't have survivied that without my partner beside me... I couldn't imagine raising a child by myself.

Thats not to say that it can't be done, there any so many single mothers who do a wonderful fantastic job, but I'm sure for the majority of people it wouldn't be the first option.

Yes, it can be hard to hear people's negative comments about your desire to start a family. But remember that its your desire and they don't have to share it. I have had negative comments, I am still getting them now, from people very close to me, so I know that its hard, but just remember that its your dream and your desire and their opinions don't have to mean anything to you. I can also understand your housemates views... having a child in the house is a huge change for everyone. Everyone has to change their lifestyles... a baby crying in the middle of the night can be annoying for housemates who really don't want to hear it... and the house needs to be baby proofed... and your friends mum (even though she wanted more children than she had) might have he own issues and not want a baby around, or she could just be moving on from that dream, and ready to live another stage in her life without a child around. Personally, I think raising a child would be easier done away from a share house, then you can set your own house rules, and live in a way that suits you and your baby, rather than having to work around housemates.

Congrats on getting into uni... do you have to study part time because of work/money? Student services at the uni can help with working out Centrelink with you, and probably could help you get another one or two subjects in your semester? There is also summer semester which might be an option?
No, you don't have to be educated to be a good mother. I don't think anyone on this site would ever say that. Of course, having a uni degree would definately help financially, when it comes round to working and supporting your family (whenever you choose to do that). I don't think anyone could argue that.

I hope that you are able to get some help working through the emotional hurt that you have. Your uni will have a counsellor which you would be able to talk to if you wish. Take care :hugs: