I don't think any range of emotions could properly describe how I feel today

I have been off the Pill for a month. Not ttc'ing, using condoms (exept for one time ) Not really wanting to get pg. Not really sure I want any more children. Not getting AF. Not pg (after hpt)

Don't know why I am so sad at not being pg. Don't understand how my head can be so overpowering and my heart so weak. Don't know how to tell DH that I don't want to be pg, but if it happens by accident it's ok. Don't know how anyone going thru a prem could contemplate getting pg again. Don't know if anyone would understand that, but that is how I feel. How do you WILLINGLY get pg again after going through a traumatic birth?
Don't really want to stop using condoms also. Don't really want to be pg again, but not really sure if I am ready, or if I want to. I'm clucky, strangly enough, don't know where that are coming from.

I am rambling.

I am just so sad today. Sad because deep down I probably had my heart set on getting pg, thinking that it takes only once. That's just me - ever naive. I know some of you might think me selfish and petty, because after one month of "not really ttc'ing" I am complaining about not getting pg by accident. I just thought that if I get pg by accident, I could convince myself that I did not really want to get pg again and that I did not have a choice and that I am sane, because I did not chose to get pg, but it happend, kwim??????

Now if that paragraph did not let me sound like the most clear-minded person on planet earth ... *searching closet for spare straight-jacket* and I want to be a mother to another child ... poor thing!

Anyway, probably just my hormones running a muck with me. Will probably get over it and feel beter after AF comes.