Are these reasons not to TTC just now?

[lee09]

Hi all

Would appreciate your honest thoughts/feelings on my situation as I try to find some clarity in my thoughts...

We've always planned to start TTC for number two about now. But our life is in a state of upheaval at the moment and I'm wondering whether to postpone TTC - even though it breaks my heart and makes me feel sick, because I don't like the idea of letting things "get in the way" of having a baby (perhaps the baby I was always meant to have).

But here are our issues:

The big one - where we live. I'm not happy where we are and we are looking at moving, but who knows how long that will take? And then there's a brand new (and significant) financial pressure of a mortgage to think about. But then I don't think I can/want to be pregnant here, let alone bring the baby home here. And I get so anxious - I don't want to feel sad and stressed, when pregnancy should be a happy time.

I have been offered a new job. The money is good and it's something I've always wanted to do - do I intentionally set out to fall pregnant before I've even started the role? What if I get really sick and it affects my performance?

DH has been offered a second job, which will help with money but will be an added pressure while we try to figure out how to juggle it all. I'm sure in a few more months we'll be into a better routine.

Are these reasons to put off TTC? Or is there never a "right time" to have a baby, and I should just move ahead with plans to try soon?

Would love your opinions, maybe looking at it from different view points will help me figure out my own feelings.

Thank you.

[little_O]

To be honest I have always been of the opinion there is no right time for a baby. For me you make it work. BUT, not every one functions that way so I think you need to work out what is more important/right for you.

For me not having a baby was way worse than job security, financial challenges etc. we tried for the baby then made it work.

How does your DH feel?

[OceanPrincess]

You know what? Sometimes a woman can have a baby... Watch their beautiful baby grow, decide it is time to try for a sibling, and something goes wrong. For whatever reason, number 2 is a long time coming.

So I say go for it!

But. You do have to be ready for another baby. I think the work thing isn't too important, it'll work out. I mean, of course it is important, but it'll work out. The second job for DH thing, it'll work out.

The house thing though might be the clincher. You're right, you want to be able to enjoy your pregnancy, and if you're stressed and anxious it won't be beneficial for you or bubs.

Tough decision

[Mumma T]

Ask yourself what is desirable and what is not negotiable and you will have your answer.

I agree with the PP, sometime all the timing in the world can go out the window, I started TTC in January, since got made redundant, it's taken 3 positions til I am settled in a new job, and I have surgery tomorrow on my ankle. None of that was planned but we have to roll with the punches.

Good luck, you will make the best decision you can with the information you have

[chody47]

I agree that there's never a right time, so this is going to be a hard decision either way.

Just to add another thought to the mix....did it take long to TTC #1? This is not necessarily an indicator of how long it'll take with a subsequent baby, but if, for some reason, it took months or years to TTC this baby, will you wish you'd started earlier? On the other hand, do you think that even putting it off for a few months might make you feel better....give you a bit more time to sort things out???

[MissesMac]

I've been told by more mums than I can count that there is never a perfect time to have a baby - there will always be a reason to wait a little longer. But I think you can also be a bit sensible. Maybe think of each scenario in turn (staying where you are, moving, new job, no new job etc) and imagine now you would manage with a new baby in the picture as well. Really picture it as detailed as possible and see how you feel deep down. Best of luck with the decision!

[Reet]

I believe that if your meant to have a baby at a certain time it will come regardless of whether you're ready or not Maybe your baby isnt ready to come yet and thats why it feels like youre not quite ready?
Also, maybe try and forget that you planned to start ttc now because that can put pressure on you too. Remember nothing ever goes to plan unless its in 'the big plan!'
I really do believe that most big things are out of our hands so just focus on the here and now... it sounds like your right in the middle of some big changes that are going to definitely help you along in the future! You'll know when you feel the time is right to throw away those contraceptives!! Good luck! Exciting times ahead!!!

[lee09]

Thank you all so much for your support and thoughtful responses.

little_O: DH says he wants to wait, but we do both want another baby. He's also feeling overwhelmed with everything we're managing at the moment, not the least of which is feeling like we don't have a real "home" yet. But he's open to discussing it.

OP, Mumma T, chody47: I do agree with you. "Planning" a pregnancy and a baby is really up to mother nature, so who knows what will happen with TTC this time around? I think if it took longer than with DS (we were lucky and fell pregnant the second month of trying), I'd always wish I had stuck to my original plan and TTC now.

MissesMac: I think in all scenarios, a baby would give me fulfillment and joy and focus. I felt with DS, that once I fell pregnant I was so focussed on him that all the other "life stuff" became trivial and nothing mattered more than being a mum. Thank you for reminding me of feeling that way.

Reet: I think that's a beautiful way of looking at it. And I've also just looked at my calendar and I was due for AF yesterday... I've been so busy and distracted I didn't even realise. I've been a couple of days late before and we aren't trying yet (using rhythm method/withdrawal/occasionally condoms for contraception) so I don't think I'm pregnant... What are the chances, really?!

Thank you all again for your posts. You've been such a big help.

[beansbeans!]

ttc is just that, trying. A baby will come when the time is right. Sometimes a baby can be the push in the right direction you need. It forces you to make decisions that you may have been unable to make for a variety of reasons.
A baby changes everything. Im sure you already know that. But how it changes everything is up to you.

For every single one of our children, dh has changed jobs, we've moved house every time Ive being pregnant. We adjust and find a new groove. You work through these problems and find solutions with or without a baby on the way, but having a baby on the way can make you bite the bullet and make more serious decisions that better your entire family.

[lee09]

I believe that if your meant to have a baby at a certain time it will come regardless of whether you're ready or not Maybe your baby isnt ready to come yet and thats why it feels like youre not quite ready?

Just wanted to post an update - we did TTC and I did fall pregnant, but I'm now managing a missed miscarriage/blighted ovum. And in the midst of all the anger and sadness and confusion and frustration and helplessness, I feel like perhaps TTC was going against all my instincts. I don't think I did anything wrong, and I don't want to offend anyone by saying this, because of course I wanted this baby more than anything in this world, but perhaps it wasn't the right time after all. I have a lot of work to do to be happy and healthy physically, mentally and emotionally, after a really disruptive year. Perhaps when I get everything else right, my baby will be ready to join me. At least, believing that gives me focus and some sort of peace. x

[Reet]

Oh im so sorry to hear But please know that you dont need to get everything right for your baby to want to come, babies dont care if you dont feel like ur life is perfect, they can come at what you think is the worst timing but it all works out!

I had 2 miscarriages between my DD and being pregnant now and I truly believe it was because I was trying to force a pregnancy to happen, I had it in my head that I wanted another baby straight after my DD. In hindsight, if that wld have happened I wldnt have coped! The 3 year age gap between kids will be perfect for my family.

My m/cs made me have a few big realisations which I really needed, moreso my last one where my baby died at 10ish weeks. I was really trying to force the pregnancy to be successful, once it was all over I realised its something that cant he controlled and u really shldnt try and force something so natural! (This is for my situation only, ivf etc is a whole different story)

It really sounds like u have taken what you need to from this m/c your going through..which is good, and does help the healing process, but at the same time, having your baby that you have so many dreams for already, taken from you really really hurts as well and I am so sorry your going through it. xx
Take care of yourself and know that ur baby is there just waiting for the right moment to be part of ur lives. x

[Kirley64]

Lee, I'm so sorry to hear about your little heaven baby. Missed miscarriages are so frustrating (all of them are, but each type is different itms). My first m/c was a blighted ovum too. I was very very angry after that. It made no sense. Felt like a cruel trick. In hindsight I was glad that I didn't have to pass a 12wk baby so for me I held onto the graciousness of my God for that small mercy. I am someone who doesn't believe that there is a wrong time for a baby, and I personally don't think that miscarriages happen because it wasn't the right time yet...but I do know that lots of blessings will happen now that wouldn't have happened if you were still pregnant. for us after the last miscarriage - I was just handed a job that was more than enough to pay for a brand new car and my sons kindy this year - in the months surrounding my last m/c we couldn't even get a 5k loan from the bank for a second hand car. So keep an eye out for the things you can enjoy now that you may have missed out on if you were pregnant. By no means does it make up for the baby - i desperately wish that i was having my last little m/c bub this week....but it helps your perspective a little and helps you get past the anger and hurt.
xx hang in there.