i ruined my body - and now im sufferning for it ..

[*charmalea*]

leaving highschool i was and had been for a while 165cm tall and 65kg , size 12 and happy with my body , i have a hourglass shape so its very feminine .

around 2002 i went oversease by myself (18) and lived the life ... started to put on weight but i didnt really notice ...

after a while i did notice and i was equivlalent to a sz 16 (sz 18 in UK) ! so i thought i need to lose weight and quick coz by this time i had depression and wanted to despreratly for a man to love me ... all my frineds were bed hopping and i wanted to aswell.

i thought about my friend who had bulima and how she "coped"/hid is so well , shes tiny and skinny (but thats her frame) so i thought i will purge after everymeal aswell ....

(if your sane and not suffering depression , you dont really think like that) so on i went happy that i could eat what ever . i ate everything (and stole food from work) and purged it all up .... as im an extremeist i wasnt happy with just purging , so i ate laxative each night before bed and late at night tummy pains woke me and i would s*hit it all out .. voimt in the day and crap it all out at night ... on top of smoking alot to stop the hunger pains .

i became a miserable mess . so i rung mum and said i was on my way home ..... i then planned an "escape " across dubai and asia, vowing to be a diferent person by the time i got home ...

it kinda worked ... i flet better about my self and reduced my purging a lazative use as it was hard to hide things like that when i was on a group tour and room sharing , but i chose my food intake wisely and still was the fattest one in the group ...

by this time i weighed 83 kgs ... the heaviest ive ever been even when PG !!

i retunred homw so desperate for aman to love me so i shacked up with a guy who wasnt ideal but i was happy i got some attn (even if it meant he was smashed off his face on dope and booze ... )

my stepsister wasa little bigger too so we decied to buy a huge lot of fat blaster max ... the strong ones ... i became addicted and popped up to 8 pills a day !!

hooraay i was now back to a sz 12 and 65 kgs again , i was me !! so i started looking for love (complex anyone ? lol)

i went out on a date with scott (now my DH) and he loved every bit of me .. we fell in love and i was happy (ish ) but not happy enough to stop "eating" diet pills.

i worked full time in a busy clothing store and hardly ate as i was so busy and loving i was losing weight and just spent all my time and money on looking good ..

a couple of months on scott noticed i was getting thin , and i loved it , but he didnt ...

enter the misscarriges i had ..... enter the depression

i got so bad i hepped myself up on red bulls and diet pills to make myslef forget (studies show caffiene in large amounts can cause misscarrige... for me this rang true as fatblaster tabs are FULL of caffiene and i had 3-4 redbull cans a day )

so after myslef nociting that my size 9 jeans were MASSIVE on me i needed new clothes ..... i also decided to weigh myself ..... 54 kgs ..

so i go clothes shopping in my store where i worked and came out with everything in a size 6 !!

i was very skinny and my chest was like a cattle grid ...

so i was happy about it as it meant on our holiday to fiji i would wear skimpy togs for he first time in my life !!

on holiday we got engaged and talked about our future . it was exciting


about 3 mths before our wedding was happening (we wnet back to fiji to marry and the whole fam came !) i went shopping for a dress ... i loved a aqua green dress , just my style and was so pretty ... tried it on but was devestated that it was MASSIVE on me , so i asked for a smaller sz - a size 6 and the lady thought i was joking , until i came out of the dressing room , wearing a dress that quite clearly needed altering if i didnt come in a sz 6. ...


i bought it anyway and waited till closer to get if fixed ..... lucky enough for me i fell PG with DS (planned) and the dress fitted beautifully

from the pg i gained about 22 kgs , then lost about 28 then gained only 11 with DD's pg ..

BUT NOW ... a few months ago , i wieghed back in at 65 kgs ... my normal weight a weight i should be happy with ..

so went to weight watchers and worked hard to lose a FEW kgs ... only lose about 3-4 just to slim down a bit ..

i have now ruined my body with so much stuff .. .i cant stop losing weight ... i gave up WW ages ago as i had reaced goal of 62 ..


all those nasty diet pills really took a toll and now when i should be happy and healthy, im a mum of 2 and fading away , its interfearing with breastfeeding as my supply has dropped and dd is getting fussy becase shes so hungry for milk , but when i weigh in every couple of days , and find that im losing 200- 400 gms every few days , its no wonder why my supply is low

i can not stop losing weght ... im not even trying .. now im in at 58 kgs ... only 4 kgs away from my pre pg wieght with my first born ..

i am lookg horrid .. .all hip bones and chest bones , my boobs have gotten really small and they look tiny on my body ...

i recently bought jeans in a 8 and a top in a 6 ....

i have ruined my bodys abilty to keep weight stable and on top of that suffer with my health... i have raynauds &vasospasam and im a weakling ...

its great to be slim .... but when you become so skinny that ppl think im the babysitter and not the mum becasue i have no "mummy fat" and the fact that i can shop in the girls section , its not so fun ...


on top of this i am going back on anti depressants soon and they ALWAYS make me lose wieght , i have been on and off them enough to know what it does to my body ....

just thought id share and "let it all out"

DIET PILLS SUCK !!!!