this is hurting so late at night lol

I am a bit guarded at the best of times....I know people see me as a happy go lucky, black and white perosn but (now this is me being truthful) Its a big wall I have up to guard myself and my feelings. I get very nervous when Im under stress and its better for me to walk away then do something I will remember after the event. Its how I protect myself from hurt, from allowing others to get to close so when the friendship ends there is no pain. I suppose past hurts from others have contributed to this...family detrayal and coldness hasnt helped. Being bullied from one extent to the other tore my soul out yet.....because of it, it has helped me relate to others...not to have judgement on people around me and to be excepting of anyone, no matter how different the look, act or seem around me or to others.

I try my best to chat to everyone if there is a room full of people, because I want to know who they are and allow a piece of them to rub of on to me. I like to feed off them and often find myself thinking of the conversation 3 weeks down the track with a silly grin on my face.

I dont take to competition for effection or respect.....its something that I just dont justify having in my life...its something that I see that eats away from you and takes away your individuality.

Jed and I have bought the kids up to respect others and do to them as you would want to do upon you. We want them to know that even if another person doesnt appreciate what they have done, the can have respect for themselves for trying in the first place. Life has thrown us lots of curve ball's and I often worry about how to protect my babies from the hurt we come across at times...yet the best thing I have learnt to do is to let that guard down and show that its alright to show hurt...we are flesh, blood and have feelings......and if your upset or sad, its alright to cry. Its away of releasing anger and sadness... and you can continue then to be more positive about yourself.