Being Responsible for Our Feelings

[onthefly]

I found this really interesting...


Ten Popular Irrational Beliefs
1. I must be loved, or at least liked, and approved by every significant person I meet.
2. I must be completely competent, make no mistakes, and achieve in every possible way, if I am to be worthwhile.
3. Some people are bad, wicked, or evil and they should be blamed and punished for this.
4. It is dreadful, nearly the end of the world when things are not how I would like them to be.
5. Human unhappiness, including mine, is caused by factors outside of my control, so little is can be done about it.
6. If something might be dangerous, unpleasant, or frightening, I should worry about it a great deal.
7. It is easier to put off something difficult or unpleasant than it is to face up to it.
8. I need someone stronger than myself to depend on.
9. My problem(s) were caused by event(s) in my past, and that is why I have my problem(s) now.
10. I should be very upset by other people?s problems and difficulties

Ten Rational Ideas
1. I want to be loved or liked and approved by some of the people in my life and I know I may feel disappointed or lonely when that doesn?t happen, but, I can cope with those feelings and I can take constructive steps to make and keep better relationships.
2. I want to do some things well most of the time, but, like everyone else, I will occasionally fail or make a mistake. Then I may feel bad, but, I can handle that and I can take constructive steps to do better next time.
3. It is sad that most of us do some bad things from time to time, and some people do a lot of bad things, but, making myself upset won?t change that.
4. It is disappointing, sometimes very disappointing, when things are not how I would like them to be, but, I can cope with that. Usually I can take constructive steps to make thing more how I would like them to be.
5. My problem(s) may be influenced by factors outside of me or my control, but, my thoughts and actions also influence my problem(s) and they are under my control.
6. Worry about something that might go wrong won?t strop it from happening; it just makes me unhappy now. I can take constructive steps to prepare for possible problems, and that is as much as anyone can do. So I won?t dwell on the future now.
7. Facing difficult situations or problems may make me feel bad at the time, but I can cope with that. Putting off problems does not make them any easier - it just gives me longer to worry about them.
8. It is good to get support and assistance from others when I want it, but, the only person I really need to rely on is myself.
9. My problem(s) may have started in some past event(s), but, what keeps them going now are my thoughts and actions, and they are under my control.
10. It is sad to see other people in trouble, but, I do not help them by making myself miserable; sometimes I can take constructive steps to help them.

Dr. Bob Montgomery

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

First off, I wanna say I definitely agree with everyone - how I choose to feel about something is up to ME, and me alone.

However, how far am I supposed to take it? Or how far is the person offending me supposed to take it? I try to speak to everyone with a certain amount of respect - some more than others, depending on our relationship. But saying that we are 100% responsible for our feeling could also take away the responsibility of what we say to others, KWIM? Like, I can say whatever I want, if you choose to be hurt by it that's your problem.

I don't have children, but while I would like them to have a thicker skin than I do (which probably goes hand in hand with the level of self esteem a person has), I also want to teach them that they have the RIGHT to be upset if someone is deliberately ignoring their own responsibility to think before they speak. Does that make sense?

[Just Me]

I think you have the right to feel how you feel, but it is how you react to it. Human emotion is normal and healthy and I think acknowledging that is healthy - as is acknowledging the emotion itself. It is just making sure that our reactions are appropriate in response.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I was really lucky to be exposed to NLP a few years ago, and it's very much an 'up to me' kind of approach and finding out how you have the power to do a lot of things, and when someone is trying to disempower you. There are times you're up for a big fight, sometimes you won't win.
Anyway, I'll be imparting to my kids that 'it's not about them' and when the other person or people says it is, they're lying to themselves. I'm also going to drill into them "it's none of your business what people say about you behind your back". In fact, I might even add it as a signature!

[Lolli]

To me, it's a freedom of speech thing. People can say whatever they like, that's their right. people can be offended by it if they like, that is their right too. Similiar to what someone said in another thread, I would rather live in a world where people have a freedom to express their feelings, rather than one where we all keep everything bottled up for fear of offending someone. because on some topics, no matter what you say, someone will be offended.

But the older I get, the more I look into reasons as to why something offended me. It's no longer good enough for me to say to myself "Because it's wrong, because it's in bad taste, because that's not the way I think". Why is this offensive to me? What does this tell me about myself? What is this bringing up in me that makes me feel inferior, inadequate or uncomfortable? I try to recognise whatever it is that is causing me to feel that way, and address it. I gain an better insight into myself and into other people.

I like to be confronted. In some cases, I like to be offended and made to feel uncomfortable. It stretches me, makes me feel like I'm learning something. If I get offended by somehting, there is a deeper reason why. And I can take that, salvage that, from the situtaion, and turn it into a learning experience.

With my ds, we talk about feelings a lot. How we are feeling, why we are feeling this way. I want to teach him resiliance, and in my experience, the most resiliant people are those that are in touch with themselves, their emotions, their conflicts and their demons.

[Inanna]

Great thread Bath - Great signature idea Mayaness..

Well, I too have used NLP for a long time - I also have studied Buddhist philosophy both are very into self responsibility.

The Earth is full of folk fighting to be heard, to be seen as right, to be the authority. I have learnt that when I am offended it's my ego. That's all it is. It is me thinking I am right and fighting hammer and tong to be seen as right. When I can say: "okay I hear we feel differently"... What is there to fight with? Zilcho! AND it's so "right"... I cannot even assume 50% of the time to feel the same as another. For my eyes have the screens of my 41+ years of personal experience - and yours have your years of experience.

I believe we create our own pain when we are "offended" by another person. Instead of saying to myself (or outloud!) "what you just said hurt and offended me" - I try to stop for a minute and say: "I heard you say I was wrong"... What the hell does it matter if person A thinks I am wrong, a dimwit or an outrage!??? It matters none. For I can never control anothers thoughts of me. I can only live my life kindly and openly. It is simply exhausting taking responsibility for another persons reactions! It's also fruitless! If I am offended by a term I ask myself "what is it in me"... It is ALWAYS about me. It triggers me in some way and the reaction I have is offense, hurt, anger. Always.

However by not writing "stories" in my mind about why a person responds the way they do I have no pain!

Of course, always living with kindness, respect and humility is the first law. The second is to not believe I can change anothers thinking!

I teach my kids this - & they are pretty good at it. Of course like me they are still learning - we are always learning. Sometimes I find myself in "offense land" and try to convince myself it's all about someone else... Then I meditate on it and it's always about me!

I think we have to learn to observe life more. Watch it. Watch what's happening. When Jack says this it makes me feel angry... Crap! When Jack says this it triggers me and I respond with inappropriate defense!

Really we need to stop blaming our partners, our parents, society, the Prime Minister, God - we need to come home to ourselves - not with harshness but with awareness. We are fragile little Beings and we have been taught that what we feel is anothers fault. However, how we feel is our choice (I believe!)

[Jennifer13]

I will limit my input to how we teach our children what we feel is the right way to resolve conflict, etc.

I have only two really definitive thoughts in this regard:
1. Mostly, I will be teaching her how to deal with things that ruffle your feathers by my own actions. For eg, I got upset at the library lady the other day for not being very understanding and walked out in a huff with an abrupt comment. I calmed down, walked back in (with DD), apologised to the lady and we came to a solution/compromise. And I thanked them when we next went back (no, I didn't avoid the library in shame!). We all have bad days, I was trying to teach her I was responsible for both my feelings and owning my actions when I crossed the line. If someone else does something I don't like, then I tell DD why it isn't nice/isn't good manners/is hurtful.

2. I think the best way to learn is to let her resolve conflict or handle her own feelings and those of others is to let her do it herself. Sure, I talk to her about her feelings and how others feel, etc, but if I intervene whenever things get slightly hostile/uncomfortable/conflicting, then all she knows is that someone will step in for her. Which they often won't. So unless there is a physicality involved that is inappropriate (someone is going to get hurt), I sit back and watch her. It's amazing how capable she is of handling herself and others when given the chance. More times than not she will actually calm herself and the other child and find a compromise that actually works as much in the other child's favour (sometimes entirely) as her own. I believe that brings her a level of self esteem too.

She's three, she can speak and think to a certain level and I like to encourage her to develop her emotional skills by practising them.

[Bathsheba]

This a most amazing thread! Such a wealth of ideas! Thankyou everyone for your insightful and thought provoking contributions!

[Just Me]

I was really lucky to be exposed to NLP a few years ago, and it's very much an 'up to me' kind of approach and finding out how you have the power to do a lot of things, and when someone is trying to disempower you.

At the risk of sounding incredibly ignorant - what is NLP?

[Inanna]

Neuro Linguistic Programming...

[Inanna]

I agree Jen - living by example is the most powerful way of teaching children to navigate their lives healthfully...

By going back into the library and admitting your reaction you healed yourself, the Librarian and your daughter! Who knows there may have been someone else who over heard you and you healed them also!

A few weeks ago my DD was having a conversation about religion. She has decided to become a Muslim and is following carefully precepts of this Faith.

She said to her Dad: "I won't eat bacon because it's against my beliefs"... He said "rubbish". She said: "Dad how can you know what's in my heart". From then on the discussion became a ludicrous assault on her beliefs. Why? Because she was right. We can never know what's in anothers hearts and it's ridiculous to believe otherwise! So her father dug a huge ditch and she quietly said: "I can't talk any more Dad"... It was poetry in motion that she could state her case & remain unaffected by the opposition.

He turned to me and I said: "I hear you disagree with her beliefs and that is not going to change them"... He stormed out!

I remember my mother telling me I looked "ridiculous in that"... To her eyes it was - to me I was hip and hot!... Was anyone wrong? It depends on whose eyes are seeing really doesn't it?

When my daughters ask me": "does this look good"... I sometimes say: "I love that you use your flair & your hair is soooo shiny!"... But what about my outfit: "we have different tastes & it's great to experiment"...

At the end of the day I think it's better to model good behaviour than to be seen as always right.

[Bathsheba]

So many wonderful posts in this thread!

[skeetaboat]

I believe that deliberate offenders need our compassion and forgiveness, and accidental offenders are sent by the universe (God, whatever..) to let us know we've got some work to do.

Like many others here, I hope to build in my children a resilience ans strong self esteem, so that offending words and actions will not be internalised into negative emotion, but bounce off and fall to the floor. I want to teach them that it doesn't matter if so-and-so doesn't like their hair style/clothes/friends/personality etc, etc. Do you like your hairstyle/clothes/friends/personality? Yes? Good, that's all that matters. No? Well what are you going to do about it?

I haven't fully thought this through, but are the things we find offensive the things that we somewhat agree with? Eg my mum comments on my housekeeping. Her comments get to me because I actually kind of agree - I wish I did have more time & energy to keep the place spotless. Whereas if she comments on something that I don't care about, like the fact that I'm a crappy cook, I just don't really care, lol.

So I tend to think that if you're offended by something, you have to look inwards to find out why. Being offended by someone else's actions or words shows that you've got work to do. Expecting others to always behave in a way that won't upset us is very self centered. It means we think they everyone else should know what our values/opinions/beliefs are, and must act in such a way as to never upset them - that's impossible. If you think that way you'll always be offended by things.

I do believe everyone should show respect, but the people who can't/won't/don't, aren't worth getting angry over.