Byron Katie/Eckhardt Tolle/Buddhist Philosopy and self responsibility

[Inanna]

Well there was a thread a few weeks back that discussed responsibility for our feelings. I would like to talk about that and hear what others think... There was a suggestion that if we are responsible for our own feelings then it takes away responsibility for being polite.

What do others think?

It's a tricky one hey?

I don't agree. I believe that in being totally responsible for how we feel & how we act we take reaction out of the equation and thus the ego. I also believe that being so self responsible enables me to have MORE empathy for others and more in touch with how another may be feeling.

I have shared before that I am a HUGE follower of Byron Katie (a groupie I would say! ). She suggests that we are responsible for how we choose to feel and thus respond at any given moment.
I also have studied (and continue to do so) Buddhist philosophy & I am also a fan of Eckhardt Tolle... All three philosophies suggest that we are completely responsible for our feelings - very very very challenging at times trust me!

However, for me it fits like a glove & I just "get it"... That is not to say that I don't also struggle with maintaining this as welll...

What do others think?

[Lulliloo]

wow what a great thread.

i would like to think that i could be responsible for my feelings but that is such a hard thing to do always.
i agree that being responsible for our feeling does not mean that we should not be polite and kind. i believe the opposite really. if we can understand how we react to what people say then shouldn't we then realise how people will react to what we say. in an ideal world i think this would be true and there would be a lot of spared feelings.

this is a really interesting topic and im glad that someone has decided to discuss this.

[fionas]

I can see the merit in total responsibility in some situations eg. if someone tells me "you really should get an iPhone" of course I would feel totally responsible for my feelings if I felt angry, aggrieved or whatever because really that situation doesn't matter and if their thoughts upset me it says more about me, than them.

But if DP was on the computer while I was cooking dinner, trying to feed DD, change her nappy and put her to bed and I said, "I feel like you're not pulling your weight" and he responded by saying, "well, you're responsible for your own feelings," then that wouldn't sit well with me. I would think that the responsible thing to do would for us to both talk about our feelings and try to understand the other person's point of view rather than for me (to not say anything thinking I'm totally responsible for my own feelings) and for DP (to brush my feelings aside).

But I don't know anything about the philosophers you've mentioned FC so I should learn more about them before even attempting to respond. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sounds fantastic in theory and there certainly are merits in that POV but I'm not sure that ANY philosophy fits all situations.

[Inanna]

You see though Fiona "I feel like you're not pulling your weight" - that's not a feeling. The feeling is angry (that he's at the computer), frustrated etc etc... KWIM???

So, if you were to say: "I feel angry when you work at the computer while I organise dinner"... However, it's still your resposibility (accordimg to this philosophy!) how you choose to feel.
We make up arguments about why he is doing it. He is arrogat. He doesn't care about me. He thinks I am a servant...
However, if we can let go of the feeling and watch it... Is it that important???

Maybe the answer is still yes! All coolies...

What if you were to say: "I find it hard to organise dinner and children alone"... "Can we agree on a time after dinner so that you can work on the computer and I will find it easier"... You completely own this as your "problem"... Your husband is fine - he is happy tapping away on the puter while you cook and juggle so making it about him is an energy waster... KWIM

According to Byron we spend so much time justifying our anger/frustration what ever the case may be. If we accept what is and move to improving what is then we have less stress and are more happy!

What do you think?

please please note I am playing devils advocate and making the assumption that we are all happy to gently and kindly debate. If this is not so please tell me - I am NOT criticising or preaching. I have just as much a challenge with this as the next flo!

[Lulliloo]

According to Byron we spend so much time justifying our anger/frustration what ever the case may be. If we accept what is and move to improving what is then we have less stress and are more happy!

exactly. we need to look at why we feel, accept it and then work to change it.

[Maruschke]

So, what is it that stops us from doing this?

[Maruschke]

I can see the merit in total responsibility in some situations eg. if someone tells me "you really should get an iPhone" of course I would feel totally responsible for my feelings if I felt angry, aggrieved or whatever because really that situation doesn't matter and if their thoughts upset me it says more about me, than them.

But if DP was on the computer while I was cooking dinner, trying to feed DD, change her nappy and put her to bed and I said, "I feel like you're not pulling your weight" and he responded by saying, "well, you're responsible for your own feelings," then that wouldn't sit well with me. I would think that the responsible thing to do would for us to both talk about our feelings and try to understand the other person's point of view rather than for me (to not say anything thinking I'm totally responsible for my own feelings) and for DP (to brush my feelings aside).

But I don't know anything about the philosophers you've mentioned FC so I should learn more about them before even attempting to respond. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sounds fantastic in theory and there certainly are merits in that POV but I'm not sure that ANY philosophy fits all situations.

I think the points made in this thread is fantastic. It really is wonderful to be responsible for our own feelings. I think being responsible for our own feelings doesn't mean always sitting back and saying nothing, but speaking (or not speaking) and acting from a position of emotional maturity that is independent of how the other person is treating us. What do you think?

[Inanna]

I think that too Xanthe... I don't think it's allowing abuse though. When we can be an observer of our life & mindful and watchful of reaction... Reaction is always (I believe) from the ego... At least emotional reaction...

It's hard often though hey?

[Maruschke]

I think that too Xanthe... I don't think it's allowing abuse though. When we can be an observer of our life & mindful and watchful of reaction... Reaction is always (I believe) from the ego... At least emotional reaction...

It's hard often though hey?

It is very hard sometimes . Especially when you need to respond quickly, or are frazzled and tired. It requires fast self reflection! And I find this difficult if my day has been one constant rush.