Laziness

[Bathsheba]

I've a shelf full of self help books and a few of them mention laziness but then they tend to focus on solutions (like finding a sense of motivation) instead of actually discussing the root cause of laziness.

I've gone through several ruts in my life. I think I'm in one now. One thing that defines a "rut" is laziness. The "I couldn't be bothereds". Granted, at the moment, my lack of motivation can also be attributed to my thyroid problem and its debilitating lethargy. But I also think there is another element to this:

Disengagement. I have come to the conclusion that one of the fundamental reasons I am lazy and "in a rut" at the moment is because I feel disengaged from things. For example. I feel that because DH is the breadwinner that he seems to have more control over aspects of life like where we live. I am really in need of a change. Either interstate to be closer to my family... or overseas. It's all I think about. But DH wants to stay put. He likes his comfort zones. He also gets to get out of this house and feel involved in life without the pressure to be at home to get things done. There is only so much time I can spend out and about. At the end of the day I have to be at home to do the washing etc. But this thread isn't about that.

So... can anyone else see a link between being lazy and disengaged? I don't think anyone is inherently lazy. One thing that a lot of the self help books agree on is that a person feels more content/fulfilled/happy while engaged in a stimulating activity. The myth of lying on a beach doing nothing as the epitome of happiness (I have read) is actually not true.... well for more than a day. Eventually everyone will naturally seek something with a certain degree of challenge.... and it's the feeling of meeting a challenge that makes us happiest... NOT doing nothing.

So what do people think?

[Fleur]

Ooh I love your threads Bathsheba they are always so interesting!

I agree that very few people are inherently lazy. We can all pick up the pace when we want to. But that comes back to motivation, doesn't it?
As for being disengaged, I don't know. Some of the time, sure. If you're not 'engaged' you're not relating. And if you're not relating, you're not motivated.
(Hmm. Which isn't to say that you have to relate to be motivated).

For me I look to my time as a SAHM... I couldn't be bothered doing anything. I was so sick of being home & having nothing to interest me, or challenge me (talk about being stuck in a rut...)
Once I started work the stress level picked up, but all of a sudden my life was so much more interesting, my entire life, not just at work.
I can do a full day of work, come home & cook dinner, listen to DH's day, talk about mine, help the kids with homework, sweep the floor etc... go all day... all of a sudden I'm not lazy, the people who used to accuse me of being lazy are telling me to slow down.

For me it's like... I found my place in life... who I am... and things clicked into gear.
Does that make sense?

One thing I wonder about though. What I have described is me as an adult.
As a child I was constantly being told by my step mother I was lazy. I remember being a little offended, I certainly did not mean to be lazy, I thought I was trying. But I always kind of had this idea that I must be lazy, & it wasn't until I got older that I discovered just how lazy I am not.
Now in my 11yo son I see the same behaviour - maybe worse. So many things he does, he puts in half an effort. It drives me nuts & so far we ahven't been able to work out how to motivate him. For me, it's like, if it's worth doing do it well - but he hasn't got that yet. ASk him why he did it like that (or didn't do it at all) and he shrugs & says ' I dunno.. I'm lazy?'
Are we going to have to wait for him to click into gear like I did?
After all things didn't fall into place for me until I was much much older....

I don't equate the odd day of lying around doing nothing as laziness. We refer to them as lazy days, but in our family we consider them necessary to recharge. Too many of those days drive me nuts though. It's really all about balance.

Hmm, I may have gotten a bit off track... just running with my thoughts...
as to the question in your last paragraph, I very much relate to needing stimulation etc to stay motivated & 'not lazy'. Absolutely. I was hopeless until I had a challenging job. But that is something I need, that's how I am & everyone who knows me agrees with that.

Would it be the same for everyone?
And does it have to wait until you are adult or can a child find that thing that makes them 'click' into place?

[Bathsheba]

Interesting... I had a stepmother who said the same thing about me! She specificially said I lacked "discipline". She grew up in a strict boarding school and I think she thought I had it too easy in life.

But I agree... I know I'm not lazy... but I am at the moment. Before I had my boys I was studying at uni, working and running a house... and yes! I could go all day! But I was engaged in life. I loved my course (fine art) and I liked my work... and the house was one we had bought.

Sadly I don't think my solution ATM is to go back to work. For one I don't think i could afford to unless i did night work and avoid child care fees. Secondly having worked in childcare I'm too fussy and don't want to put my children in one of I can avoid it.

My teenage DD is also lazy as you have described with your DS. But I feel confident that she will be able to engage into something soon and then be a hard worker like DH and I have been. She is very engaged in Little Athletics, for example, and that isn't something a lazy kid would do.

I don't know... do I wait for something to engage me... or do I rock the boat and seek engagement even if it's not in line with what DH wants? Everyone else is happy in our family... if I change anything then I know I would have to deal with the fallout... ugh... guess everything will just have to stay as it is.

ETA: thanks Amber... just missed your post... thanks for sharing

[amberj]

Interesting thread.

I don't have a problem with laziness, but my DH struggles with it and we have done lots of analysis of it. I would agree that there is usually some root cause for laziness- it is a symptom, not a condition in itself. In fact, I would probably be more inclined to call it lack of motivation, more than laziness.

Disengagement is a massive factor in a lack of motivation, and it makes complete sense-when you do not feel you have a sense of involvement or control or meaningful input or even real interest in what's going on, why would you be motived to do it? (unless of course you are driven by an overwhelming sense of guilt and obligation, my own personal problem).

For my DH, I have seen a MASSIVE change since he got involved in something where he really had to take responsibility and control- our family business. He was always pretty apathetic in his job when he worked externally and just kind of coasted by. Since he had to work for us, his change of attitude is astounding. He still struggles sometimes, but it comes from a different place. Anyhow, the point is that yes, I think you are totally right when you say that you are most motivated when you are participating in something that really gets you going, gives you spark, engages you, whatever you want to call it.

[Astrid]

I must admit I am a great one at procrastination (what to you think I am doing now ) hmm disengagement, certainly food for thought. I suppose yes I do feel disengaged, in fact most of my life I have felt disengaged, but that is due to me not being the type to always fit in. I have found when I have been part of a group that I feel like I belong to that I am hugely motivated to get things done, especially in relation to that group.

So yes at the moment I am feeling very disengaged from my life as a SAHM, my life as a wife, I am still building connections with friendships down here, but the situation is much better than the one I left behind. For me I suppose it is that real negative feeling of just not mattering and that extends to things that I do. The funny thing is when I find myself riled up about something I find myself suddenly tackling those tasks that I have been avoiding, the washing will be folded, kitchen drawer tidied etc Maybe me feeling riled, is making me feel engaged with something?

Also I know part of it for me is the repetiveness of it all! Everyday unload the dishwasher, hang out the washing, tidy etc. It is boring, and the results barely last.

Sorry a bit rambling, just letting the thoughts flow.

[Fleur]

Also I know part of it for me is the repetiveness of it all! Everyday unload the dishwasher, hang out the washing, tidy etc. It is boring, and the results barely last.

Absolutely this was the problem for me. I got nothing out of it personally, nor was there any sense of acheivement where I could look at what I had done - becasue it never lasted!

I don't know... do I wait for something to engage me... or do I rock the boat and seek engagement even if it's not in line with what DH wants? Everyone else is happy in our family... if I change anything then I know I would have to deal with the fallout... ugh... guess everything will just have to stay as it is.

That's really rough... how often do women sacrifice what will make them happy & engaged in life for the sake of their family? I know I would probably do the same... but it's sad, isn't it?
Is there something else you can do that won't rock the boat?

[helle]

So... can anyone else see a link between being lazy and disengaged?

Yep, but while most here are SAHM and wanting to get back out in the workforce, or find themselves an outlet from being at home all day, I'm completely oposite.

My job does not hold my interest anymore. I hate it. I could sit here all day and just glare at the computer screen in hopes that it would shatter and do absolutely no work at all, and on some days I have really only done the bare minimum. I know that this is seen as laziness by one co-worker in particular, but I don't care about that either

But I'm not lazy, I'm really freaking uninterested and I just do not care for or about my job anymore. I am totally and absolutely 100% disengaged. I am very much at a stage were I'm ready to be a mum and devote all my time and energy on caring for my child and looking after my DF. I want to be a house wife and I want my baby and I hate that it will be a total of 13 months of pregnancy for me to finally have what I want. I can't do anything else proactive other than sit here and wait for my bundle to cook.

Humph.

Baths, I love your brain. Thanks for letting me vent

[Bathsheba]

Awww Ta Teagz My brain has it's good and bad aspects LOL They say "thinking can kill you just like a disease" and if it wasn't for BB and being able to get my thoughts "out" I think I would infact go crazy! LOL

Jasp: There have been a few projects I have toyed with that could engage me without disrupting the family. I think I need to work out how to weave them into my life more securely... I want them to consume me (they could also make me a bit of money if I could get them off the ground, I'm certain of it...) it's just a matter of working out how to stop my other issues getting me down... in a very similar sense that Astrid is feeling down chicky.

[anney]

Hi Bath,
So often we see on BB, something like the phrase Happy mother = happy house but what you said here, I think is absolutely correct -

Everyone else is happy in our family... if I change anything then I know I would have to deal with the fallout... ugh... guess everything will just have to stay as it is.

I think mothers do put some of their own needs to one side, to keep the family happy. And when you are continually putting aside some of your needs then something is bound to "give", and with you it is feeling this disengagement. Certainly not laziness - anyone that keeps a house and the lives of 5 people running is definitely not lazy.
Is it partly a winter thing too? I know I feel less engaged in winter - just find the sun more motivating for some reason. I think if I were you, I would start making plans for the time in the future that you are able to do more for yourself.
Astrid - I could have written your post exactly!!!!

[Fleur]

I could go on & on... & nearly did, lol, ... but suffice to say I relate to a lot of what some of you have said.

I wonder how much of it is related to the subject of laziness?

In a nutshell...
I respond well / better to pressure & deadlines. I need mental stimulation & challenges. I was told off as a child for being lazy / not doing things properly (also for having no initiative, which these days I seem to have plenty of ) Have often been accused of thinking too much (I think there is no such thing!) and love change, used to shift the furniture weekly when i was a SAHM...and DH hated it As for hashing out every detail... I sometimes go back & read my posts & think OMG too much talking.. but it's just that I have an urge to say everything I think, & I think alot.

So I wonder if any of this relates to laziness... it could just be that some of us are motivated differently to others & that when we are in the right place for us, everything falls into place... my energy levels are all about my state of mind, much more so than what is happening for me physically.

Just thinking about your situation Bathsheba... do you think it could be a kind of cyclical thing? I find that I often move through phases, in between stages where nothing satisfies me... like when I am leaving one all-encompassing interest or hobby and not quite at another...or sometimes for no particular reason...and then it all comes good.
Don't know if I am off track here but it would be nice to think it's just a case of waiting it out....

[Daydream Believer]

I dont believe I am lazy, I am just fed up.
I dont have the motivation to clean up, when DF will come home & 30mins later the house will look like it did before I spent the whole day cleaning. If DF could put stuff away after he used it, put his dishes in the sink or next to it (I dont expect him to wash them), Throw out his rubbish & not leave empty soft drink bottles & clothes all around the house, then I would have no problem cleaning & tidying.

[Bathsheba]

Thanks Jasp I also don't think there is such thing as "thinking too much"... there is directionless thought and unproductive thought (idealistic/wishful thinking) but they are different. I really can't stand it when people accuse me of "thinking too much"... to me it's just a masked way of saying "shut up"... or "I can't follow you".... or "listen to my thoughts instead". As if you can tell a person to stop thinking anyhow.

It might be cyclical. If you take into account my numerology I am on the cusp of a 9 and 1 year... ie between the end of a nine year cycle and the start of the next one. I think about this a lot... fortunately DH is on the same cycle (we both are number 2 people if that makes any sense). Anyhow we both accutely feel that we are waiting for the next big thing. Next year is going to be a "1" year for both of us.

Manta: you'll be pleased to know that DH has agreed to me moving furniture! So when he takes leave from work in a fortnight we are going to swap the lounge and office areas! The office is currently in what was meant to be the formal lounge-room (we live in an older home)... so we have decided to use the house as it was intended... and put the lounge in the lounge room.

OK... so after reading Jasp's post I am prepared to accept that maybe this is cyclical... and instead of stressing out I might just calm down and celebrate the achievements I make... I defrosted the freezer last night after the boys went to bed instead of falling in a heap... Today I stretched a cross-stitch sampler over acid-free card in preparation for framing (very tedious business) And DH talked to me about starting up his own business so we can move abroad... it's not so bad....