Explain the power of positive thinking to me...

[Miss.September]

I think sometimes the trick is finding the positive. There is always something good, something to cherish. It's very hard sometimes to find that - and I appreciate my life has been pretty easy so it might sound like I"m talking out of my arse here. But we can get stuck in negative thinking - always seeing the bad, always obsessing about what we don't have, always wishing things were different. Carry on like that and you don't see the good at all.

Your focus right now is the child you don't have; the cycles that have failed.... I can't say that being positive will change this - it might not - but it can change the way you see your life and your situation. What's good in your life? What are you thankful for?

I do agree, in general, that the mind-body link is strong and our state of mind can certainly affect our physical experiences. But it's more about perspective and vision, than actually forcing something to happen.

I totally agree with all of this. Well said MB.

I find that if I am around positive people, I can get to be in a positive place easier. I've hidden notorious negative posters on my FB. I try really really hard to look on the bright side and think that things will be okay. Sometimes it fails me. The last three months have been very hard, with the first trimester miscarriage risks constantly on my mind and DH's business being incredibly quiet and for us that means no income. But I still try to keep my chin up. I've fallen into slumps before and found it hard to climb out of and it really took DH to tell me that I always looked at a half empty glass before I realised he was right. We've taken a battering of bad things over the past few years and it does take an enormous toll, but I really try to believe that things can be fixed, things will be better and I've been dealing with things a lot easier than I had previously.

[fionas]

I agree with the PP who mentioned acceptance. I used to be a very negative thinker - having a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and losing my marriage and almost my sanity was a big wake-up call as to where negative thinking can lead for me.

It has taken me a long time, observing other people and a bit of reading about Buddhism to come to a more positive mindset. DP, for all our difficulties, is an exceptionally positive person so that has rubbed off on me. I'm going to give two examples but I really try to be more positive every single day, not just on the big issues like the ones I'm describing but also the small issues too.

When I was in my mid to late thirties, single and childless, I decided that I would have a red hot go at finding a partner and having a family. I also mapped out my life if that didn't happen in terms of what I believed would bring me fulfilment. My nervous breakdown had taught me that I believe the meaning of life is helping and nurturing other people so I decided that I would focus on that in my career and my everyday interactions. Once I was at peace with WHATEVER happened, whether I stayed single or had a family, I met DP and had my two girls.

Fast forward. DP and I do not have the greatest relationship at the moment. Infact, I'm on the brink of calling it a day. Again, I'm at peace with whatever happens. Six months ago the thought briefly terrified me. I was mess for a night but over the course of that night I reached a point of acceptance. I know that I will cope whatever happens. I committed to myself that night to leave no stone unturned in trying to make it work but not to stick it out for the sake of it either. Negative thinking could lead me to a place where I thought that I would never find another partner, never have a happy family life and the girls would be stuffed up. I could also beat myself up for having two 'failed' relationships. Although I would much prefer to say that I've been married to the same guy for 15 years, I can only look at what each of those relationships have taught me, what I've learnt about myself, what I've learnt about life and what I've learnt about how I want the rest of my life to go. Positive thinking allows me to embrace the thought that the past is just that, the past and the future is to be embraced. If we do break up, I will focus on thinking that I will be just fine on my own and at some point, I will make an effort to find a partner with whom I have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship.

As the others have said, in your situation I would steer a middle course. I DO think that telling yourself that you definitely won't get pregnant could well harm your chances but positive thinking does not guarantee success either. I would look at positive thinking as giving yourself your absolute best shot and that's about all you can do. As someone else said, if you've done your best then there's no cause for regret.

[fionas]

Sorry, I just wanted to add something that I think is relevant and apologies that it's about me again it's just that I find it easier to talk about these questions by giving real-life examples.

Regarding the single, mid-thirties, childless but wanting a family scenario that I described above. Like I said, after a few years basically panicking that the prospect looked bleak, I reached a point of acceptance. I had friends who were 100% negative about their prospects and to me that looked as if they'd given up and they weren't putting out "I'd be a great girlfriend" vibes. Defeat bred defeat. I also had friends who were very upbeat and very positive about their chances of meeting someone. BUT WHO DID NOTHING ABOUT IT EXCEPT SIT ON THE COUCH, SECURE IN THE BELIEF THAT IT WOULD HAPPEN IN TIME. They were STILL positive at 40 years old (at least in conversation, I have no idea if those were their true feelings) but still doing very little to actively find a partner. To me, neither of those approaches were particularly wise.

[Marley&Me]

N2L, I am exactly the same as you. I have tried the whole 'positive thinking' and it has let me down so many times that I just don't believe in it any more.
I also know that there is nothing we can do to change a situation that is out of our hands. I get very emotional/depressed when I build myself up on positive thinking that doesn't follow through. So I just don't do it anymore, it seems to help a lot with how I feel when things are falling apart.

It may sound very pessimistic, but if it's how you cope then so be it. I only allow myself positive thinking in a situation where I know the outcome is in my favour