Explain the power of positive thinking to me...

[nothing2lose]

When God was handing out optimism and positivity, I was in the other line getting a double serve of realism (some say negativity) and pessimism. Not only is the glass half empty, but what's left is probably poison and will make you very sick if you drink it.

At times I want to think positively, I really do. But I just can't. I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment and heartache. In some crazy way I prefer making disappointment and heartache part of my everyday thinking iykwim. Deep down I think I see positivity as naive and a symptom of weakness. I don't want to be either. I want to face facts and be tough doing it. Thing is, I am not tough.

I guess, as I am writing this, I am thinking mostly about my journey TTC and whether or not I will ever have another child. I am 40. I have been trying for years, including much of this past year doing IVF. Everything on paper looks great but it's not happening. It won't ever happen. I know it

My question to you all is how can you allow yourself to feel positivity and optimism when it seems there is none??

Do you believe positivity has a bearing on the outcome of a situation?? Am I contributing to my failure by my negativity??

Do you regret being positive about something when the end result turns out to be bad??

[nothing2lose]

My iPad wouldn't let me write anymore in the above post! Just wanted to say thanks to those who read and post

[Maruschke]

First .

Second - I think positive thinking doesn't need to mean naive thinking. I think it can mean being realistic about your chances of conceiving at your age, but retaining some happiness / joy in life, some positivity, despite what happens in TTC land. It is not easy at all, but I think naive thinking can come back to hurt us far more than realistic thinking.

[RainbowBrite]

I agree with what Maruschke said.

I try to be as positive as possible, I have found personally keeping positive helps me to be strong and get through things as soon as the negativity creeps in I start to lose it, to give up think it is hopeless. (I have been there)
For example Sitting next to my babies humidicribs I had to keep positive so I had the strength to keep going and be there for them when they needed me.
Sometimes it is very hard to see any positivity in a situation but even finding a little bit can be like a sunbeam through the storm clouds (sorry tacky metaphor )

[Catherine]

I believe in Mind over Matter...I have seen the effects too much to think otherwise. I have seen labours stall because of negativity and doubt. I only concieved after I gave up, I had a letter to a fertility specialist...but never made the appointment. That month (after 3 empty years) was our month...I have seen perfectly healthy people think themselves sick...

It is a very real phenomenon. A postive effect is called a placebo. The opposite of placebo is nocebo. The absolute belief in a negative thing cause that negative to happen. It can be very powerful.

Whilst it can be very difficult sometimes, focusing on postive things helps to heal and soften negative effects. So instead of focusing on what is missing, focusing on what wonderful things you do have, or are able to do...living in the moment (rather then the future), concentrating on the absolutes rather than the what-ifs...

It is not naive to be positive, it is empowering and enlightening. You will find that you draw the wonderful to you when you accept that you are wonderful. All things are an opportunity to learn and grow, taking a perceived negative and looking at it from another angle, seeing how you can use it to move forward and learn from it (to avoid repeating it)...will empower you. Nothing naive in that.

Take a deep breathe, draw in the strength and love that comes with it, and breathe out the negative...each breath re-news us, each breath is an opportunity to expel our burdens and worries...

Don't let fear of rejection, loss or disappoint stop you from being open to wonderful and positive moments. I think it is better to be hurt from trying, rather than to grow old never knowing. Better to 'risk' pain of rejection than miss out on the opportunity.

I hope the new year brings you Joy and Love, and new and wonderful feelings...

xoxox
catherine

[onthefly]

I think sometimes the trick is finding the positive. There is always something good, something to cherish. It's very hard sometimes to find that - and I appreciate my life has been pretty easy so it might sound like I"m talking out of my arse here. But we can get stuck in negative thinking - always seeing the bad, always obsessing about what we don't have, always wishing things were different. Carry on like that and you don't see the good at all.

Your focus right now is the child you don't have; the cycles that have failed.... I can't say that being positive will change this - it might not - but it can change the way you see your life and your situation. What's good in your life? What are you thankful for?

I do agree, in general, that the mind-body link is strong and our state of mind can certainly affect our physical experiences. But it's more about perspective and vision, than actually forcing something to happen.

[~Trish~]

I shared my story/opinion on positive thinking in the Christianity section a couple of years ago, it's HERE if you're interested in reading it .

I will return later with some stories to share about positive thinking, gotta go and do the school pick up!

[AnyDream]

This is a question that comes up often among people with cancer, where there is often a lot of pressure to "Stay positive" as if your very survival depends on it (like if you don't believe hard enough you'll die). And that often translates to people suppressing their more difficult thoughts and emotions, and suffering terribly as a result.

It's really important to distinguish between denial of reality (which often masquerades as positive thinking) versus a positive mindset that can help you to cope with the difficult reality that you might be facing at any point in time.

I think possibly the difference involves whether your thoughts are projecting/speculating about some guessed-at future state, or whether they are about your present moment, and your present state. Acknowledging the depth of your disappointment and heartache at your experience to this point is a very different process (in terms of the effect it may have) than projecting into the future and predicting a negative outcome there that hasn't happened yet. The former can make you stronger and the latter will wear you down. That to me, is the real secret of positive thinking in tough times: focussing on where you're at, not where you might be.

There is a clear relationship between emotional wellbeing and physical health outcomes, so from that perspective working to achieve a positive state of mind might help you achieve your aim, but it seems more likely to me that it might just help you to hang in there and keep trying. Equally it may not ever be the deciding factor, and there's probably no way anyone will ever know if it was or not. But regardless of the outcome, if having a positive mindset helps you to experience more wellbeing then that's worth the effort, in my mind. And a greater sense of wellbeing also allows more room for continued optimism and hope.

I actually think the 2nd part of your question (about whether your mindset will affect the outcomes etc) is a profoundly spiritual question, and possibly one of the bigger spiritual questions of your life. I'm not sure there are any simple answers to it, either. I do believe that we have the power to affect our own realities, but if it was as simple as believing in our desired outcome in order to make it happen, everything would be perfect already. Also there are some weird paradoxes when it comes to manifesting, like letting go of your attachment to the outcome is necessary in order to make it happen. Why this is, I don't know, it just is. Some things are unknowable.

[kelsbels]

I found when there seemed to be nothing positive, it was time to appreciate what I DID have rather than concentrating on what I didn't have or what I was not achieving. By doing this you should start to attract more of what you are appreciating, which in turn allows you to think more positively.

My gosh, it is not something that comes easily that's for sure, but I've found after almost 12 months I am a far more positive person and I am finally seeing some reward for it.

Good luck! Jump on the net, download lots of positive or appreciation affirmations. Pinterest has some great visual affirmations too xx

[Tegam]

It's really important to distinguish between denial of reality (which often masquerades as positive thinking) versus a positive mindset that can help you to cope with the difficult reality that you might be facing at any point in time.

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This is what I believe. Well said!

[KitFaerie]

I'm not sure if this is totally relevant to the topic, but when I'm assuming that something will go badly (the big one for me was assuming I was losing my DS when I lost his twin) and I was telling myself that I'd lost another baby and that therefore I'd never have a child etc etc, I eventually decided that dwelling on those thoughts wouldn't make it any easier on me if it did turn out that I'd lost him. Like, I wouldn't go ''oh I was right all along, hooray!''

So now I try and hold onto hope, I decided I'd never regret hope, never put myself down for believing in something even if it turned out badly. I have no idea if it actually makes any difference to the outcome, but it definately makes a difference to my mental health.

[Beach Mama]

It's really important to distinguish between denial of reality (which often masquerades as positive thinking) versus a positive mindset that can help you to cope with the difficult reality that you might be facing at any point in time.

Totally agree with this, and for me with anxiety ranging from mild to full blown panic attacks over nothing more than my overactive mind, I have had to learn that my THOUGHTS are not reality, that I can choose what I think, I might get caught up in a pessimistic, negative thought (which can then lead to catastrophising into the end of the world!) I can stop it in it's tracks and change it to something positive, think about all the good that there is in my life and distract myself. I am very early on this path with help from my psych but so far it working well. She uses acceptance therapy for me, and a lot if it is realising that bad stuff will happen, there is risk out there, but I focus on a lot of that stuff that hasn't even happened. I need to know that things may not always be ok, but I can deal with the issues and problems once they arise - not before. A bit different I know but similar to what you are talking about I think (hope)

I also keep a gratitude blog, I have been a bit slack with it, but in my head I keep on track with being thankful for things around me, takes the focus off me and it is really really difficult to feel very anxious and negative when you are totally focused on what is good in your life.

As for feeling positive about something changing the outcome - I recently felt absolutely convinced I was going to get a job. It was the one I posted on here, I stuffed up part of the CV but was still telling myself it was ok and would get an interview. I didn't and yes I was upset but I picked myself up and told myself that something better would come up and I would end up being where I should be. If I had told myself that whereever I end up is NOT where I should be, that if I ended up doing anything other than this job which I Know I would have rocked at and loved, then if I was where I was now I would be totally upset, depressed and unable to move on.... Does that make sense?? So my mindset that things WILL be ok and making the most of it, did change the outcome and it is very different to what it would be if I had told myself otherwise.

My question to you all is how can you allow yourself to feel positivity and optimism when it seems there is none??

There may not be in certain circumstances but around those circumstances I believe there is always something, while we breathe we hope.

Not sure I have said what I want but this is an area that is really in the process of changing my life because of all of the issues and hang ups I have had for years.

[myturn]

Hey n2l I know you are worried about this cycle as well, and I hope you can keep your hopes up a little. I just found this thread and wanted to add to it, so I hope that's okay.

I find the whole idea of 'positive' thinking is really overwhelming for people - because sometimes, it is unrealistic to be "positive", and it's just too difficult.

so I think about it as "realistic thinking" instead. for example....

negative thinking may be something like "this cycle is never going to work, I am too old and I am never going to have another baby"

if you were going to be positive you may say something like "this cycle is going to work, I will be pregnant this time"

as you said, that can feel pretty naieve, and may feel totally unrealistic -

so I would suggest you change your negative thought to something more 'realisitic' like.....

"this cycle this may or may not work - I will be sad if it doesn't, but there is a chance that it will. I don't know what will happen. All I can do is do my best to stay healthy and maybe it will work"

it doesn't feel 'fantastic', but it feels better... and I think it is being honest with yoursef and recognising the risks that it won't work, but acknowledges the fact that it MAY work. That's the bit that defines an optimist... it's not being super positive, it's acknowledging that it MAY work - that there IS a possibility.

It takes practice - maybe there's a new thread in that.... "Learning to be 'realistic'...." and practicing (with help if needed) how to change a negative thought into something more 'helpful'.... that's what I call it when working with kids... 'helpful and unhelpful thoughts'..... and I have also used the terminology.... "posionous thoughts and antidotes" kids love that one

I am seriously crossing everything for you

[Miss.September]

I think sometimes the trick is finding the positive. There is always something good, something to cherish. It's very hard sometimes to find that - and I appreciate my life has been pretty easy so it might sound like I"m talking out of my arse here. But we can get stuck in negative thinking - always seeing the bad, always obsessing about what we don't have, always wishing things were different. Carry on like that and you don't see the good at all.

Your focus right now is the child you don't have; the cycles that have failed.... I can't say that being positive will change this - it might not - but it can change the way you see your life and your situation. What's good in your life? What are you thankful for?

I do agree, in general, that the mind-body link is strong and our state of mind can certainly affect our physical experiences. But it's more about perspective and vision, than actually forcing something to happen.

I totally agree with all of this. Well said MB.

I find that if I am around positive people, I can get to be in a positive place easier. I've hidden notorious negative posters on my FB. I try really really hard to look on the bright side and think that things will be okay. Sometimes it fails me. The last three months have been very hard, with the first trimester miscarriage risks constantly on my mind and DH's business being incredibly quiet and for us that means no income. But I still try to keep my chin up. I've fallen into slumps before and found it hard to climb out of and it really took DH to tell me that I always looked at a half empty glass before I realised he was right. We've taken a battering of bad things over the past few years and it does take an enormous toll, but I really try to believe that things can be fixed, things will be better and I've been dealing with things a lot easier than I had previously.

[fionas]

I agree with the PP who mentioned acceptance. I used to be a very negative thinker - having a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and losing my marriage and almost my sanity was a big wake-up call as to where negative thinking can lead for me.

It has taken me a long time, observing other people and a bit of reading about Buddhism to come to a more positive mindset. DP, for all our difficulties, is an exceptionally positive person so that has rubbed off on me. I'm going to give two examples but I really try to be more positive every single day, not just on the big issues like the ones I'm describing but also the small issues too.

When I was in my mid to late thirties, single and childless, I decided that I would have a red hot go at finding a partner and having a family. I also mapped out my life if that didn't happen in terms of what I believed would bring me fulfilment. My nervous breakdown had taught me that I believe the meaning of life is helping and nurturing other people so I decided that I would focus on that in my career and my everyday interactions. Once I was at peace with WHATEVER happened, whether I stayed single or had a family, I met DP and had my two girls.

Fast forward. DP and I do not have the greatest relationship at the moment. Infact, I'm on the brink of calling it a day. Again, I'm at peace with whatever happens. Six months ago the thought briefly terrified me. I was mess for a night but over the course of that night I reached a point of acceptance. I know that I will cope whatever happens. I committed to myself that night to leave no stone unturned in trying to make it work but not to stick it out for the sake of it either. Negative thinking could lead me to a place where I thought that I would never find another partner, never have a happy family life and the girls would be stuffed up. I could also beat myself up for having two 'failed' relationships. Although I would much prefer to say that I've been married to the same guy for 15 years, I can only look at what each of those relationships have taught me, what I've learnt about myself, what I've learnt about life and what I've learnt about how I want the rest of my life to go. Positive thinking allows me to embrace the thought that the past is just that, the past and the future is to be embraced. If we do break up, I will focus on thinking that I will be just fine on my own and at some point, I will make an effort to find a partner with whom I have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship.

As the others have said, in your situation I would steer a middle course. I DO think that telling yourself that you definitely won't get pregnant could well harm your chances but positive thinking does not guarantee success either. I would look at positive thinking as giving yourself your absolute best shot and that's about all you can do. As someone else said, if you've done your best then there's no cause for regret.

[fionas]

Sorry, I just wanted to add something that I think is relevant and apologies that it's about me again it's just that I find it easier to talk about these questions by giving real-life examples.

Regarding the single, mid-thirties, childless but wanting a family scenario that I described above. Like I said, after a few years basically panicking that the prospect looked bleak, I reached a point of acceptance. I had friends who were 100% negative about their prospects and to me that looked as if they'd given up and they weren't putting out "I'd be a great girlfriend" vibes. Defeat bred defeat. I also had friends who were very upbeat and very positive about their chances of meeting someone. BUT WHO DID NOTHING ABOUT IT EXCEPT SIT ON THE COUCH, SECURE IN THE BELIEF THAT IT WOULD HAPPEN IN TIME. They were STILL positive at 40 years old (at least in conversation, I have no idea if those were their true feelings) but still doing very little to actively find a partner. To me, neither of those approaches were particularly wise.

[Marley&Me]

N2L, I am exactly the same as you. I have tried the whole 'positive thinking' and it has let me down so many times that I just don't believe in it any more.
I also know that there is nothing we can do to change a situation that is out of our hands. I get very emotional/depressed when I build myself up on positive thinking that doesn't follow through. So I just don't do it anymore, it seems to help a lot with how I feel when things are falling apart.

It may sound very pessimistic, but if it's how you cope then so be it. I only allow myself positive thinking in a situation where I know the outcome is in my favour

[*Danni*]

This thread has been very interesting and enlightening, great topic OP!

Just wanted to say that I love and agree with what PP CATHERINE has said. just what I needed to hear right now. Very wise words.



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