Ok I'll admit it, I have self-worth issues. And I think thats the reason for my negativity pointed towards myself. Of course, my low self-esteem doesn't help, but I think my lack of faith in myself and what I can achieve stems from my non-existent self-worth. For example, I had a VBA2C - yay for me - but now its like, oh it was a fluke, no way could I do it again, it'll all go to crap because I can't do it. But if I was talking to a friend, I would be saying to them - hey you've done it once, your body knows what to do, of course you can do it. But I can't tell myself that, its not in me to say that to myself.
Of course I have issues stemming from my parent's divorce, my father wanting nothing to do with us, and even us moving to tassie to be closer to him hasn't made him want to be close to me. Or to my kids.
Not to mention all my past relationships, failed engagements, failed marriage - its all a part of it. My exH took away most of my self-worth and I know that, but I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to build it back up when so many people have taken it from me. And yes, of course I know that I let them take it from me, I think I'm a weak person at heart, I let people use me because I think they are my friend, and it turns out that they're not, I let them walk over me because I just want people to like me (wow that was brutally honest).
Even with my friends I don't like to hound them too much or ask if I can hang around them because I'm sure they would get sick of me. Basically I don't think I'm very likable, and I'm pretty sure its all coming from the same place.
I don't like being like this. I'd like to get past my father rejecting me, my past boyfriends/husband rejecting me.
Even though I have a DH and we've been married for nearly 5 years - it still hasn't helped with my issues, and really, nor should it. DH shouldn't be responsible for building something up within myself - I have to do it, but I don't know how.
I just want to stop feeling like I don't matter, that I'm worth nothing and I definitely don't want to pass any of this onto my kids.
OH Mel....you are a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman and ANYONE should feel privileged to be your friend. You always know what to say and are a fantastic mummy to nearly 4 beautiful kids!!!
I dont know what else to say to you my dear, you know what state of mind I am in today so I'm probably not going to be much help.
Just know that I think you are WONDERFUL and I admire you so much.
i'm not exactly miss self confidence but a few years ago i decided that i would make a conscious decision to learn to like/love myself. sounds kinda weird but we are most definitely our harshest judges & i think sometimes it needs to be a conscious decision to stop being so hard on ourselves. i figured if i made an effort to like myself, then other people would too.
it's an ongoing process & for me there are still so many niggling self-doubt issues but i think it's an important journey. you have to be open to it though. sometimes it's easier to stay full of self-doubt because then you never disappoint yourself - itms? because once you open yourself to the possibility that you are, actually, quite a cool & rewarding person to know (and from what i've seen of you online, i have NO doubt that you are!) then it kinda makes you vulnerable.
i think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy a bit in a way too - if you don't like much about yourself, it makes it harder for other people to see the fantastic person you are. but if you start to acknowledge the great things about yourself, then other people will see them too. maybe start by not putting yourself down to other people or yourself - so if someone says come over, i'd love to see you accept that at face value. they do want to see you & banish any little voices that start telling you things like they're just being polite etc.
make a list of things you've done well - the VBA2C should be way up there. and yes, you can do it again. it wasn't a fluke.
argh - am i making any sense at all? sorry, it's a bit all over the place.
Aww Mel, for starters you are one of the most likeable person that I've ever met and I hope that you can consider me as your friend, you are an inspiration to me in many ways, we are quite similar in lots of ways and you are the one I will be turning to when I go for baby number 2 and hopefully attempt a VBAC. Your advice and support has been phenomenal to me over the last 10 months, whether it be funny or serious, our little group wouldn't be the same without you. I understand how you feel, I haven't seen my father since I was 12 and I too was hurt very badly by my ex which stuffed around with my self esteem and as you know I still have some issues surrounding all that but we will get past it. Take a look at those gorgeous children of yours, they are a product of you and you should be very proud of yourself. You don't just MATTER, you MATTER to everyone and most importantly you matter to YOU whether you realise it or not. We love you mate, time to love yourself because it's what you deserve. xxxx
I don't know about "getting it back", maybe you should start again from the right here and right now.
Think about - and even write down the things that you love and like about yourself. If you feel doubt crawling in tell it to STFU for the moment whilst you do this. It can be anything, anything at all and as time goes on you will have more to add to the list and in this way I think your self-worth will grow. You can do a little "pump" or combat session on it every so often to build it up. After awhile you will get used to believing in yourself, rather than getting down on yourself.
Whatever you think truly about yourself the most, no one and no situation can take away from you. Because it will come from your core and that's a really hard place for things to affect.
You're such an incredible, strong, inspiring woman - and I really do value our friendship.
You are so likeable... so easy to talk to. Never an effort. You're you. And you're just fab.
It makes me sad to think of you feeling so down about yourself
I think what you've done here is very brave, you've put it all on the table and put yourself in a vunerable position. You're going to have replies to this thread coming out of your ears, and I really do think that is a reflection of you and the beautiful friends you have made, and touched - all in such a postive way.
I think it would be great if you could begin a journal, similar to what Lulu mentioned. Write down the things that you love about yourself. Things that you are proud of. Happy memories. Happy thoughts. Then the days when you are down, you can read back on all the amazing things - and realise exactly how rockin' you are.
I too have issewws but couldn't read and not give you these. I think you should add all the things people add to this thread to add to your list, I think you are strong, brave, tough, wickedly funny, loving and caring hun and I hope you can come to a place of accepting who you are and loving yourself for the good and the bad.
I too am taking baby steps but one thing that took me a very LOOONNNNGGG time was not depending on DH for my own sense of acceptance and self-worth. I realised I COULD live without him (I was always one of those people who had one BF after another because I coudn't be alone and clung on tighter than a limpet) Luckily DH stuck around but it took a long time to get to a point where I could let him free and realised I could be alone if I had to, it's just I don't want to because I love his guts. Could be way off but I know for me a wee bit of counselling helped as well chicka.
ETA: In your brutally honest bit, I think it is normal to want people to like us hun, totally and humanly normal. We want love and acceptance and for people to think we are totally cool (which you are by the way!) but you need to be YOU at the end of the day, not someone that you think people want you to be and if people are hurting you you need to stand up and say, this is who I am, like it or lump it and if you are going to walk over me see ya later. Some will take the slap on the wrist and hang about and some will p-off but the ones who stay are the ones worth it anyway.
Last edited by Beach Mama; September 29th, 2010 at 11:45 AM.
I think that making a point of looking at the things you like and stopping yourself from dwelling on the things you don't like helps.
I also think that setting goals and achieving them helps us to feel good about ourselves and giving back to their community works for some people. Planting a vege garden and eating the veges, finishing a short (or long course), volunteering to help out a local organisation or charity - that kind of stuff.
How do you build up your self-worth?
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