C-Q, I'm so sorry, I don't know the full situation so my thoughts may not be very appropriate. But I've often thought about how I would approach a terminal illness (and I'm not sure if your DP's cancer is terminal or fight-able).
I guess, to a certain extent, it comes down to choices. I would feel conflicted if I had a terminal illness if I wasn't sure whether to keep fighting or whether to accept death. For someone who has always been afraid of death, like me, that would be mighty difficult even if I felt there was no hope. But I would hope to get to a place where I accepted the situation for whatever it was.
It sounds like your DP needs to find some peace and some approach that is manageable for him. That might be to accept that what he is facing is really difficult but still worth fighting and that might be to accept his own mortality, try to make his last days happy.
It is fightable, the docs want him to have surgery and radiotherapy and he is refusing both. He doesn't believe this is the end...he thinks that we go on somewhere else, or so he says but I don't think he's at peace with it at all.
He seems to be in a place now where he is looking at everything and saying "this sucks". And my challenge is to find something that doesn't...and that is a real challenge.
He has a rare cancer and won't treat it with conventional medicine and so is dying. He has no money left. He has no energy or money to finish renovating his house and so will have to sell it for a much smaller figure. He won't get another loan. He can't train. His mother owes him $30K which means he'd be able to stay in his house for another year but she won't pay it back. He is far from his friends. He is in constant pain. He hasn't slept for more than 3 hours at a time in about 2 years.
When presented with all of this what do I say to him? You have me? I'm an hour and a half away at the moment and even when i'm closer I still have the kids, I can't be there whenever he needs.
I don't know where to show him the light in his life is because, to be honest, I can't see it! He has no dependants, he has lived his whole life being so strong and independant and now at the age of 39 he's realising he's about to lose it all.
I think he really put his heart and soul into the Black Salve treatment and it's really knocked him down that it hasn't worked. I just wish I could convince him to have the surgery...but he won't. i don't care if he loses the side of his head, I don't care what he looks like, I don't care if I have to look after him till he gets well. I love him, as far as i'm concerned it's not even anything I have to think about...but he has his reasons and I have to accept that.
It's so weird, i've never been that close to anyone as an adult that has died of a long illness before. it is just so unbelievably unfair. He feels the same and thats where a lot of the frustration comes in. He has always been so fit, so healthy, black belt in martial arts, personal trainer, deep sea diver, he surfed, he rock climbed...gees he represented his country in Juijitsu. And he balanced all that with Yoga and meditation. This is someone who has never drunk a lot and has always eaten really well and hates anything made with chemicals. he did everything RIGHT. It's not fair
ETA sorry for the self indulgant whinge...and thank you Kel, colin and Fi...I know he needs to be positive and I really believe that is one og the most if not the most important tool in beating this. But what do I say when he asks what he's got to be positive about?
so it sounds like conventional medicine goes against all his core beliefs and that he almost feels like a failure if he takes the conventional medicine approach, d'you think? I guess in that situation, maybe I'd be saying that nothing in life is black and white. It's OK to try other things, that doesn't make him a failure or make what he's built his life on a failure. But it's also OK not to try it but he has to weigh up the pros and cons and be at peace with either route. It's just that he's NOT at peace.
I know that's really simplifying a really complex situation C-Q and I'm really not trying to trivialise it. I just go into super-sensible mode when faced with very tricky issues and that can make me seem completely insensitive.
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