Rouge, I can honestly say I think I've had some of the cranky old lady effect in my life over the last couple of years too. It's like the experiences that I have gone through have eroded some layers somewhere, layers of hope or optimism or something essential that you just have when you're younger. It's left me more permeable to all the stark horrible things out there. And yes, I'm more cynical, less tolerant (at least on the inside).

I have no idea whether my friends think I've changed - and tbh I don't even think it matters. They either love you unconditionally or they don't, and it says more about them than about you or me.

But... here's the thing. As time goes on I'm gradually orienting myself to my new reality. In tiny little increments, some of my energy is returning. I don't think it's possible to go through what I know you've been through (and of course your experience has been so much bigger than what I know of it) and bounce back immediately. But it will come. I have found creative expression to be enormously healing, so if you feel you want to "fix it", start with some radical self-care - carve out the space you need to explore or retell your story in whatever creative medium that appeals to you. Allow your friends to see the truth of your experience. It is what it is. Letting it be in tiny increments is what frees our energy up to embrace the parts of life that matter most to us after everything else has been stripped away.