I find that becoming less tolerant to rubbish is part of the ageing process for most people. On the other hand, life can open your heart so you have more empathy for certain situations. I can get cranky at what i think are stupid bloody decisions that people make in their lives. Seriously, if people just took my advice, they'd make fewer mistakes. I've been there, done that ya know

However, I have a greater compassion for pain. Serious, life changing, I'm never going to be the same again, pain. Not that i was lacking in understanding 3-4 years ago, and i'd rather have not lived through what I have and be a shallower person. But that was up to me. How I live my life now is. So while I have less tolerance for people's whinging about what seems trivia to me, I have a deeper tolerance for people who are coping with heartache and trauma. I dont have a problem with that.

I've changed. There are cracks and crevices in my ability to cope with life that weren't there before. That affects how I interact with people. It has affected family relationships and friendships. People still probably wonder when I'm going to "get over it". They don't understand that grief and the fallout from that stays with you. You dont get over it. You learn to manage it. However that works for you.

If that means that you need to protect yourself, then do so. You dont owe anyone an explanation. The people who love you, love you as you are. If they can't handle the changes, then that's their loss. They may not have the capacity today. Maybe they will in the future, if something terrible happens to them. Maybe not. That's not your problem. You are still allowed to feel all the emotions you feel without hanging back because someone else can't cope with you not being "strong" for them.

It's frustrating. I think, in my case, it took a couple of instances for people to actually see me howling my heart out for them to realise their expectations of me were unrealistic. Which sucks, because who wants to be looked at as a performing monkey, wearing their grief for any voyeuristic drama queen to get their rocks off to? What is private can stay private. If you need to express it, you're allowed to do so. I just choose safe people to express it to. Anyone who feeds off pain and drama can go get stuffed. My grief is not about them.

I'm rambling, but I guess I'm saying, people have limitations to what they can understand and support. The ones who can offer unconditional support I keep close. Everyone else is allowed different access, ITMS.