I totally get you Anna...

When we look outside of ourself for okayness - we also look outside ourself for blame. Neither is being responsible emotionally. I cannot make another person happy or unhappy. They have to choose which gig they will play... However, how I live, respond etc can bring with it feelings of joy, contentment, unhappiness, fear... But they are inside me. Not outside me.

I reflect on the occassions when I hear this outside blame for feelings. I can no longer be responsible for your feelings than I can for your actions...!

As for praise. I wholeheartedly embrace the self responsibility in that. I don't use good girl bad girl... For to take it to another level - who am I to judge what is good and bad??? Even the very worst of things can be good - for it can teach us. I think we have evolved as a society to be less reliant on using bad and good to describe situations or people.

I use the virtues to describe what I see in my kids... (has anyone read the Virtues Guide by Linda Popov?)... DD I just watched you showing generosity when you gave your last sandwhich to your brother! How did that make you feel???

This helps children explore their feelings, name them and own them...

"Fred I just witnessed you showing unkindness to your brother - I want you to come here away from the situation to think"... "When you feel like you can tell me what was happening for you let me know"...

Kids thrive on it. My kids also go to an alternative school who's learning is neohumanist. There is always responsibility for actions - positive ones and negative ones!

With my older daughter when she says: Annie made me feel silly!"... I say: "wow she is powerful to control your feelings!"... "Well ya know what I mean"... "I think so, you feel embarassed & you are looking to Annie to be responsible for it"... Ahhhh Mum - wouldya get off for a minute!...."But yeah you're right - she can't make me feel it can she"....

It really is powerful. And changing our language and our paradigms take work and effort. We all fail dismally some of the time. It's about getting back on the horse...