It does make sense Lara
It does make sense Lara
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Exactly what Lara said.
You risk:
being dismissed
being rejected
having others judge you - think you are a sook, think you are pathetic, think you are hopeless.
people seeing you as a victim
being made to feel silly, worthless, boring.
For me (and this is going to sound really pathetic) I fear that people will see my vulnerabilities and then turn them against me.
This has been a learned experience, where I have opened up and trusted with my innermost secrets to people only to have them turn around and use them against me, or spread these things to other people and betray that trust. When that happens enough, you learn that it is much safer to simply not let anyone into that inner circle. A case of once bitten twice shy.
You really need to be secured in a relationship to feel you can open up properly without risk, but it is a bit of a catch 22 - because how can you feel secure without being able to open up.
I get along with people easily. I can talk to anyone and I do. I only have less then a handful of people I would consider friends, no topic is off limits - but with all of these friends, I would still struggle to put myself out there too much.
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The known is 'safe' and we know where we stand - even if that means constant pain and suffering... the unknown *could* be worse!
Someone has a saying on their tagline or signature that says something like 'people can only hurt you if you give permission' - it's so true. If you have confidence in yourself and have your own self to 'fall back on' - you won't be hurt by the other person's possible rejection because you weren't seeking their approval - iykwim. It's the need to fill up our own selves with other's support that lends us to hurt.
So I think what I'm saying is that you need to grow yourself first before you can have the strength to 'put yourself out there'. But by the time you've grown - you won't need to put yourself out there as you'll have all you need from yourself.
The next question is - how do you grow yourself?
*hugs* to all those who have suffered hurt... I hope this thread helps you get a little trust back in yourself to help you take a further step.
Great post Nettie
Misty I understand your feelings - what is the worst thing that can come of it though? Does it really matter what others think of you? Yes of course we all like to be liked - that's part of us that is very challenging to let go - we are raised to care about what others think. Letting go of it takes a LOT of work.
I try very hard with my kids to teach them to measure against their hearts, against the Wisdom of people that they respect, words they respect not the greater masses. The greater masses think that Paris Hilton is cool & we should spend more money on war than on our health system - don't measure against that. YOU are worthy & wonderful & special as are we all.
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I think you hit the nail on the head Inanna when you said that letting go of that need to be liked takes a lot of hard work - time and energy that many of us simply find too difficult to find in our everyday lives.
Ooops, gotta go but will come back later.
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It isn't just a need to be liked though.
Honestly, I consider myself a pretty confident person. It doesn't usually bother me too much if someone doesn't like me, I don't expect everyone too - particularly given how outspoken I am.
I guess it is more of a concern that people will treat me differently once they know certain things about me. I like the way I am treated by people most of the time. People see me as confident, outgoing, strong, all together. If I share certain things, then maybe they will change this opinion? Maybe they will treat me differently? Maybe they will censor themselves in certain ways?
I have learnt over time to deal with my own issues, by myself. So maybe by opening up too much, I would risk loosing some of that control that I feel I have. I am not sure I would even know what to do if someone did offer me unconditional support, because I don't know how to lean on anyone else (besides my DH), I never have. I really do find myself at a loss as to how to react if anyone does show me sympathy or concern - it makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know what I am supposed to do with it.
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You don't have to do anything with it, Misty. If it's unconditional it comes with no expectation, you just say "Thank you" and if you feel like letting that person see the less revealed side of yourself you do it, maybe with baby steps.
Sometimes knowing that you could ask for help and be heard is enough.
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I wish I'd seen this thread sooner.
Misty, your words really resonate with me. I am a very open person, but I have learnt to pick and choose who I open up to about certain things, because I am scared of loosing the image some people may have of me. I think its a control thing for me...I like to have some control over the narrative of myself itms?
This sort of censoring has only come about though because of negative reactions I have received from people over certain disclosures. Situations that make me cringe even now when I remember their reactions, and the realisation that I cannot take those words back...they are out there now, in someone elses conciousness as knowledge to use in their own way.
I think it is so important to teach our children empathy to minimise the risk of alienating those who are actually opening up their hearts and looking for help. So many people jump inside their own heads and judge or, feel confronted or whatever, before they think how that reaction could hurt the other person.
After I had DD I actually went to see a counsellor for a while just to vent about life as a mum, because NO ONE wanted to hear it. She was SO reassuring and said. NORMAL! normal, normal normal and sent me on my way.
BB was my other life line...
The saddest thing is, I am secretly so thankful I DIDN'T open up to some people about my early thoughts on mothering, because the facade remains intact. *Sigh* and so I too perpetuate the mask of motherhood.
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