I was thinking a lot about this the other night... I have only met you a couple of times, but based on what I know of you this is what I think... (forgive me if you feel I'm off the mark)
I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time where you have been manipulated, intimidated, lied to, told who you are, what you want, who you'd better be, and what you'd better want if you know what is good for you where you can't be honest about yourself, your feelings and what you want, you shut down parts of yourself. You have to, it's pure survival. When you've done that, even when you've taken the courageous step of walking away, it can take a long time to re-open the doors, air out the corners, and rediscover who you really are inside. It's hard to love someone - even yourself - when you feel you don't really know them anymore.
I think as Rach said the rollercoaster is sadly not over. There is more to resolve before XH is truly behind you. You are still wounded and vulnerable. You haven't had the chance to reconnect with yourself completely. It's when we feel wounded and vulnerable that we often wish desperately for a relationship, but often relationships are not safe for us at those times. The loving embrace of a friend who accepts you completely, on the other hand, can be very healing.
It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Start with small things - what do I want to do right now? What would make me happy this morning? Sometimes you really have to start from the ground up rediscovering what you want. When you remember what makes you happy with small things, eventually the bigger picture will become a lot clearer.