Are You Keyhole Judging? (An Edward de Bono inspired scenario)

[Bathsheba]

One characteristic of Emotional Intelligence is empathy which is only possible if you are able to see things from multiple points of view (not just your own). Author Edward de Bono also refers to this as an ability to think laterally.

Many years ago I saw an EDB interview on TV. He was promoting a new book (unfortunately I can't recall the title). He gave a very visual example of lateral thinking which I have never forgotten. Ever since hearing this little story of his my skills of empathy and "giving people the benefit of the doubt" have greatly improved and I credit him with improving my EQ. This is a rough re-telling of his story:

Once upon a time a person was walking past a door and heard a scream coming from the other side. They tried to open the door but it was locked. The screams were soon accompanied by shouting and the person was feeling quite alarmed.

Then they noticed a keyhole under the handle and quickly bent over to peek through. Immediately the person saw from whom the screams where coming: it was a woman... she was running and looking very frightened. Then a fierce looking man came into view... he was chasing the woman and wielding a knife!

The person stood up and bashed on the door heart racing and desperate to save the woman from the dangerous man! But the door was heavy and couldn't be broken. So the person looked again through the keyhole. Now it could be seen that the man was being chased by a small group of people... this seemed to confirm that the woman was in trouble. So the person stood back, raised a foot and kicked open the door.

It flew open! The person wasted no time rushing through to help apprehend the evil man that was seen through the keyhole. But almost immediately the person stopped in their tracks. In an instant the person no longer desired to save the woman. She didn't need saving. Instead the person was hoping that the man with the knife could run faster!!!

For now the true situation was revealed: there was a child entangled in a rope hanging from a tree. The woman was the child's mother and the man was the child's father rushing toward the child... both with intentions of freeing the child.

How quick the keyhole judger had leapt to conclusions based on the "evidence" of limited vision. Maybe it was just as well that the person didn't have the power to interfere with the situation before seeing the complete picture.

This message in this scenario is also summed up in my signature quote: Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

It seems that everyone is keen to give an opinion these days but are we sometimes looking through keyholes?

[Bathsheba]

I forgot to add that recently when I was at a BB meetup we were discussing that not everyone in BB puts their life-story in their signatures. There are lots of BB members, for example, who have had miscarriages etc and not added them to their details. So just because something isn't there doesn't mean that you can safely assume that they haven't had to deal with that situation. I thought that was really interesting when that was raised.

[Erin_25]

Wow, great story....it's really made me think. Hmmmm I don't think I do, but I am wary of those who do. My MIL does & this is why I believe we do not get along...at all. I feel I should not need to justify myself to others & perhaps if they were to look at things from all perspectives you would not need justification.
Good point also on the signature thing.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..............
hmmmmmm, you have made me think!!!!

[Maruschke]

Wonderful story Bath, and with a great message behind it. Not only should we not judge people's actions or words, but we can't presume to know their motivations either.

[Inertia]

I fear that sometimes I am prone to it. Its a horrible thing and when I do it, I always remind myself that I honestly have no idea why something is as it is. I do know though that I used to do it a lot more before I had kids. I know for me that having my own makes me more empathtic to other parents.

I do try to be the best person I can be.

[Bathsheba]

Oh for sure Intertia! I'm the same... I was much faster to judge when I was younger, pre-kids. I'm trying to help my 14yo DD avoid the keyhole thing by getting her to think about the bigger picture more often. I think she's starting to get the hang of it. It takes practice. I'm still far from perfect. It's a shame my own parents weren't able to help me when I was younger. It's interesting how the people who dislike being judged the most are the ones that are quickest to judge others too. It's like they feel so persecuted that the only way they can feel better about themselves is to make others feel judged vicious cycle.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..........

:yeahthat: - Well said Erin

[Bathsheba]

From my experience the people who "are always right" are just displaying a fear of being wrong because their self esteem is fragile. If someone has the courage to say "I don't know" or "I was wrong about that" I tend to have a lot more admiration for them. It's easy to be outspkone and opinionated, a lot harder to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I have lost count of how many times I have been "jumped on" because I have dared to imagine a bigger picture. I maintain the "innocent until proven guilty" and some people get really riled by this tendency of mine. Quite interesting really I guess.

[Lulu]

Wow, great story....it's really made me think. Hmmmm I don't think I do, but I am wary of those who do. My MIL does & this is why I believe we do not get along...at all. I feel I should not need to justify myself to others & perhaps if they were to look at things from all perspectives you would not need justification.
Good point also on the signature thing.....this is why I often hold back stong opinions on strong subjects & I guess get easily offended when you offer a piece of advice from a perspective you have & get "jumped on" so to speak by others who are "always right"..............
hmmmmmm, you have made me think!!!!

So if your opinion is so strong, why not express it? Why not offer an opposing viewpoint?
Why do you get offended if someone else gives an opinion from a different viewpoint themselves?
See - you expect other people to understand without you justifing where you are coming from, but you can't do the same yourself?

I learn so many valuable lessons from those the DO justify their opinions because I don't presume to have had every, single life experience and sometimes I just don't understand where someone is coming from every, single time. I need further insight to get there.

TBH, I find those that consider themselves "jumped on" find it hard to get past their own judgements or try to feel a different perspective.

[Bathsheba]

Yes, good point Lulu. I enjoy hearing an opposing point of view... for the reasons you gave. But it's interesting how a lot of people don't (like hearing them). It does seem that some people confuse a different perspective with a conflict situation. It's like they need everyone to be on the same page all the time or they start to get nervous and anticipate a fight to break out IYKWIM? Maybe it comes down to what we grew up with I witnessed my parents strongly disagreeing and putting forward passionate arguments and observed that it didn't mean that it had to come to blows. That was in my primary years though. Later on when i was a teenager I lived with a stepfather who you couldn't disagree with without the threat of violence. Maybe if that was all I had known I would be very hesitant to hear a debate. Fortunately my first role model was a calmer father.

But this is why I love BB so much... people get the chance to fully explain in considered language why they think the way they do... and they can weave in a bit of the bigger picture of their lives and experiences. it's fascinating Makes me feel that when i speak to people IRL it is actually more like looking through a keyhole... because IRL conversations you don't have as ready access to all the hidden aspects of a persons lives. Online you get a clearer picture.... in some regards.

[Lulu]

Yah, my parents were the same. In fact I remember wanting to be all grown up so I could have interesting discussions over ****tails in the evening!

[Janie]

Thanks for this Bath. And yes, that conversation has made me think too . I would have loved to continue it, but it wasn't really the place, was it? And further to that point........just because someone (like me) had alot of info in their sig doesn't mean you can presume to know everything about that person and their parenting either. I mean yeah, from my sig you can tell that I've had miscarriages, and that I've breastfed my child to toddlerhood. But really, that doesn't tell anyone anything about how I coped with those miscarriages, why they happened etc. Or anything about my breastfeeding journey, other than that it was 'extended'. Does that make sense? I'm sure most people don't see it that simply, but TBH I kind of did for awhile there. Somebody's sig is such a tiny representation of them, and it might not even be that accurate. But it took me awhile to see that.

And as for the original topic, I am sure I have been guilty of this many times. I try very hard these days to be less judgemental, in general. I find it easier to be less judgemental since becoming a parent, although I do hear where Ryn is coming from. Sometimes I struggle with that. But then I try to remember the keyhole thing. You really never know why somebody does something the way they do. But like I said, it is still something I struggle with. We all have different priorities, and I have learn to accept and appreciate that. After all, I certainly feel that I'm doing the right thing for my son almost all of the time, but there are some out there who believe I suck as a parent .

[Inanna]

I agree totally Lulu.

I think strong opinions are healthy and fine. I also think we need to listen with all our faculties to others - for there is a lesson in ever moment & every footstep in life.

When we have strong opinions we need to check if they come from a sense of right ness or ego or weather they come from a healthy step by step place. For instance a strong opinion that says: "there is only one religion that is right"... Well that kinda argues with fact. There are lots of religions and is it right to judge anothers beliefs". Or only men should vote"... Why would that be so? If we adopt the opinions of society, our parents, our partners or our social network without thinking them through they have not been well thought out - they lack in substance...

When a person reacts strongly and defensively it's almost always from ego. We all do it - we all struggle with it (otherwise we would be enlightened! ). When we can hear an opinion and debate it with respect and kindness then we are on the right path (I believe).

[Lily Dust]

WOW! That story literally gave me goosebumps. It really puts in perspective just how easy it is to judge without knowing the actual facts. Thanks for sharing, very interesting and is certainly making my mind tick over

I forgot to add that recently when I was at a BB meetup we were discussing that not everyone in BB puts their life-story in their signatures. There are lots of BB members, for example, who have had miscarriages etc and not added them to their details. So just because something isn't there doesn't mean that you can safely assume that they haven't had to deal with that situation. I thought that was really interesting when that was raised.

I have also thought a lot about this when certain comments have been made to posts, BB is not our IRL place and there are things that we do not share. You have summed that up beautifully, well done!

[Bathsheba]

I'm sorry you had a hard time of it last night Moondance. Forums do generally require a fair bit of resilience at times. I find that when Im feeling fragile it's better to avoid forum discussions unless you know and trust the members well. Maybe contact Admin if you felt they breached BB Guidelines which include posting with tact.

When you say it's "interesting" that this thread is in BB what do you mean though? Is it useful or hypocritical? I find that it can be useful and if I find myself in a discussion which I feel contains keyhole judging I sometimes link to this thread

I hope your headache passes soon Moondance and that those hormones settle or you find someone that you trust to have a more positive discussion with *hug*

[Moondance]

Well I imagine this thread was around before last night, yes?
But then my incident happened last night in the CHAT, not the general forums...

Some of the girls there said that what happened was wrong and was really against everything BellyBelly is about... I don't know much about that, I haven't been here very long...
But I seemed to get the idea that BB is supposed to be the kind of place thats about helping each other and not judging each other, I mean, I've always found forums to be a good place to ask questions, get help, etc.
But the incident last night had me feeling like I shouldn't even be here on this site if someone would be so judgemental and harsh....
Everything else I see on BB is always so nice, this thread included, I thought that this kind of thread was essentially what BB was really about... But I definitely didn't feel that in the chat last night until after the people got angry with me and left and I was back to the few people I consider friends here.

I don't think I'm saying this right at all. I'm really tired right now.

[Astrid]

I think this is interesting. Whilst we need to be aware of when we are keyhole judging, but also of when we let others keyhole judge us. We need to be aware of the picture we give out and how that will affect the behaviour others show towards us.

For example, if only put forward a happy front, the people will assume that we have no problems and maybe not see that you really need help right now. The same if we always complain, then others will just keep on telling us to do something about it, when if fact you may be happy with your situation, just grumpy about parts of it.

I think responsibility does go both ways with judging, it just cannot be lumped on the judger that they only looking through a keyhole, when infact that is all they are being given to look at.

ETA: Just though I would add that I am talking in general about the concept of keyhole judging. Not directly about any posts or situations on the forum.

[Bathsheba]

I see what you are saying Astrid and agree that it goes both ways and that we have to be mindful of the kind of situations we are portraying. It involves a degree of objectivity to your own situation though which many people can struggle with. That is also a general statement.

One thing that Moondance seemed to allude to though is that all of the members in BB should pull the party line. That every thread is written as if under-written by BB policy makers and that's just not possible. BB isn't like other community services like say, LifeLine, where there is a certain way of doing things. Whilst there are BB guidelines and (volunteer) Mods who do there best to make sure that everything that is read here in BB complies to an Ideal it's impossible to eliminate human nature. There are no guaratees that your feelings won't get hurt in here so you really do have a responsibility to yourself to turn away from your monitor if you are finding that you are becoming
upset. The Mods do their best but they are only human and can't get to every thread. I'm sure only a small minority of BB members have even read this thread.... And even if they have they are free to disagree

Moondance: I recommend contacting Admin if you need to debrief about last nights incident any further darl. I can't recall the wording of BB guidelines but discussing sensitive discussions in other threads is
discouraged in BB.