anger towards own up-bringing

[Kaydee]

Since becoming a mother I have really noticed how much anger towards my own parents I feel. Although i love my Mum and Dad so very much, i cant help but be angry at some things that went on in my past.

My Parents devorced when i was about 5 years old. We would spend every weekend at my fathers house, and stay all week with my mother. My father quickly entered another relationship, and is still together with this woman. Although things are better now, she was very verbally abusive towards me and my brother and sister (but me especially). She would always be swaring at me calling me names, eg "Stupid little b***h", and i was only about 6 or 7 years old at the time. I hated staying with my dad because of her, so he would bribe us by feeding us Chocolate, McDonalds, Pizza, lollies, softdrink all weekend (and i mean ALL weekend). And it was always ALOT. Because of this, By the time I was 11 years old i was very overweight. My mum would constantly be fighting with dad because my brother had behavour problems, and she believe this was due to all the junk my father would give us.

My Father and his girlfriend are heavy smokers, and would constantly be smoking with us kids in the car, windows shut. When we would ask nicely if they could open a window, we would get "NO, Its not your car, and its freezing outside!" from the gf. We were really scared to ask if they would stop smoking in the house, because her answer would always be "Its not YOUR house, its MY house, and i can do whatever the F*** I want". Which would be ANOTHER reason why we hated going to dads house.

When i was 12 years old, i was a size 16. My mother took me clothes shopping one day and then after explained to me that SHE was embarrased by my size and I need to do something about it. What was i supposed to do? I was 12 years old, i didnt buy the food, i didnt make my meals, i didnt know any better. I grew up thinking that eating 3 packets of chips in one go was normal, i thought having take-away every couple of days was normal. Nobody taught me any different.

As i grew older My mother fell into depression. I felt so alone. My older sister lost all her weight. i felt like the black sheep of the family. I had fantastic friends, and i honestly dont know where i would be if i didnt have them.

When I was 17 years old I applied to go overseas on a school exchange. This changed my life forever. It opened my eyes.

My step-mother is now always bragging about me "my daughter lives in Europe", and i think she believes that she is partly why im "so successfull", and takes credit for my acheivements. I HATE this. If anything, she set an example of what i DONT want to be.

I dont want to make this too long, so i will finish up now... Since having my son, I only want to be the best mother, best wife, do whats best for my child. I feel so angry at my parents, for what happened in the past to me. If it wasnt for my fantastic friends, and my overseas trip, im sure i would be heading down the wrong path in life, and i know it would've been their fault.


Does anyone else feel similar since having their child (ren)?

[Lucy]

Kaydee, good on you for getting all that written out......you have been really honest, and I am SURE that that helps. Your self awareness will stand you in great stead for the future, and for the future that you will shape as yours and Ben's.

I have all sorts of issues with my mother, none of which I will spill here, but the same as you, it has REALLY made me realise what I want and need to be as a mother to my children, Olivia especially.......which can only be a good thing, if the mistakes of the past can be learned from to improve the future, which it sounds like you are doing.

If it any consolation, I discuss my issues with GF's regarding "mother relationships" regularly, and whilst it is sad, it appears to me that NO ONE I know has a "normal" mother or a "normal" relationship with their mother. So I can only presume they are as rare as hens teeth, or that our perception of "normal" is simply a inaccurate one, and that we are not missing out on too much. Sad though that is, it gives me strength!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Oh, Kaydee, I hear you on this one! Oddly enough, pretty much the second I fell pregnant I had all these "parenting issues" come up: my mother isn't precisely the model of what I don't want to be, but sometimes she comes very close! Just like I would never choose to have my children's father work abroad for long periods of time (and broke up with men pre-DH for that reason).

I agree, parents blaming their children for their own failings is not on at all and it is something that really annoys me with my own mother. I know full well that if I hadn't moved to London and stayed away from my mother these last six years then I'd fear the worst for me. It just beggars belief that these people are so cr@p to us and then boast about us when we've run away to escape them!

My mother still has a go at my eating habits: it took her 4 years to see that I wasn't eating at all as a teenager, then she thinks she can tell me what to eat or not eight years after I get myself over it (with no help whatsoever because my sister scuffed her knee at the time... well, not exactly but you get my point). She doesn't understand why I don't trust the Police (if she ever spoke to me when I had to deal with them over 1-2 years then she'd know why!) and... well, I won't go there again. I'm still mad at her for a lot of things, and I'm sick of being second, third, even gazillionth-best to everyone else in her life. Yes, I know I'm a "replacement baby", I know I'm not good enough for her... but how can a mummy let her little baby know that from birth?

My dad's just spineless so backs my mother up, I don't have a problem with him, just I don't feel at all close to him and never have. Doesn't seem to bother him.

Anyway, hon, it's not just you: it's good that you can get it all out now before it starts to really poison you with it all. Although it's made me slightly touchy with my own MiL (who's fab), it has also made me who I am today and, let's face it, we're both fab people so maybe it's good we needed to "escape" these people.

[Kaydee]

Thank you Lucy and Ryn, Im really beginning to understand myself, why i am the person i am today. And i feel liberated. Im not angry at my parents. I just cant believe where i could have ended up, scared of where i could have ended up, and so very thankful of where i HAVE ended up.

It just beggars belief that these people are so cr@p to us and then boast about us when we've run away to escape them!...

it's good that you can get it all out now before it starts to really poison you with it all. Although it's made me slightly touchy with my own MiL (who's fab), it has also made me who I am today and, let's face it, we're both fab people so maybe it's good we needed to "escape" these people.

Im starting to really understand why i hate my inlaws trying to get close to me. It makes me so very uncomfortable. And i feel like when they help Dh and I, they only do it to get something out of it, and would expect never-ending gratitiude (like some people in my family). When i know that isnt the case. I know i have trust issues. Im not used to family being so supportive and helpful, i always think there is a hidden motive.

[*Rae*]

Kaydee - i'm another who feels the same way. Didn't have the most ideal upbringing and used to be very resentful - especially at my cheating, neglectful father. Since becoming a parent i'm actually really surprised at my new feelings. I've become heaps closer to my mum because she has turned around from being "all-about-her and i-know-everything" to this wonderful person. And i'm kind of grateful for my past experiences because i am really aware of what NOT to become or do with my own family. I know i've become a wiser and richer person because of all the crap....don't know if that makes sense

[Astrid]

I'm starting to really understand why i hate my in-laws trying to get close to me. It makes me so very uncomfortable. And i feel like when they help DH and I, they only do it to get something out of it, and would expect never-ending gratitude (like some people in my family). When i know that isn't the case. I know i have trust issues. I'm not used to family being so supportive and helpful, i always think there is a hidden motive.

Wow that is so much like me. I tend to think that DH and his brother's closeness to their mother is some what perverted. I know that is an extreme word, but the whole concept of family members being close and loving is so foreign to me. I to look for the motive behind what my MIL does. I am starting to get over it though. As I have realised that I would like Maggie to have a loving extended family unlike me (between my Nanna and my Mother everyone was alienated).

I have to work hard being tolerant and forgiving of family quirks. DH has explained to his family my background, so they know to be a bit more patient with me and not to be too insulted if I withdraw from them.

My main aim though is to make sure Maggie is never made to feel guilty for her own existence.

[tiggy]

Kaydee, Hugs to you.

I know exactly how you feel. I have many issues with my upbringing. It is hard and confusing, ESPECIALLY when you become a parent and you know how you DON'T want to be but you still have to find a way that suits you. It's a long journey, coming to an acceptance of a grotty childhood.

Also know re; getting close to PIL.

I was angry for a very long time (still have my days) but in the end, I guess that my parents did the best they could and if thing weren't the way they were then I wouldn't be the person I am today. My only hope is that my kids will look back on their childhood with fond memories and will be able to come to me when they become parents themselves.