To baby or not to baby?!

**meow** · January 15th, 2013, 03:01 AM

Arrggghh!! Why is this such a time chewing, exhausting decision??

I know I've seen this come up a lot so I'm not alone... how do you finally make that decision that you are truly done with having children... when there are lingering questions about if you might still want another?

I could go on for pages and pages about my pros and cons to having another baby but the short story is my heart wants one and my head doesn't. We have enough cons to having a baby to disregard the whole idea so I feel like I should just move on. And sometimes I'm excited by that idea. I love my two children and I'm so blessed I was able to have them and have such a great age gap. And now I could move on to other things that enrich our lives such getting my health and fitness and hobbies back into action and organising more travel and devoting my time to assisting both of them thrive (especially my eldest who has autism).

But then my heart wants a baby. That's all really. So I guess it's just my genes screaming "procreate" at me? It really saddens me to deny that though. I feel like I'll greatly regret it if I don't have another. Every time I look in the back seat I see an empty spot where my third baby is supposed to be. My longing is intense.

So tell me about your decision... I can't resolve this one and it's killing me and taking up too much mental space!

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · January 15th, 2013, 03:11 AM

It's not just your decision. I would be TTC#3 by now if it were. What does your OH say?

The fact that Stormy is not even close is destroying me. Actually, scrap that. It has destroyed me. But hey, who cares about me when DH says no? Kinda hard to TTC on my own.

**meow** · January 15th, 2013, 03:21 AM

True. My husband is more than happy to stop and not have any more. Our youngest still wakes frequently overnight and we're kind of both scared of the newborn stage so I do understand his point! That said, we've left it open for the moment and we would be looking to TTC in about 6-12 months from now. I think if I really still want it and we feel we can manage with a baby (which is not the case at the moment as our children are both high needs- one during the day and one at night!) then we would go ahead.

I guess in all honesty I think a 3rd baby may the difference between us surviving or thriving. Everyone says you never regret having a baby, but is it really true? Has anyone felt this way, gone on to not have any more children and the longing has gone away?

I'd be very bothered in your situation TFB. The age gap is getting bigger and bigger.

**~Raven~** · January 15th, 2013, 04:30 AM

I don't regret going back for my third or having my 4th unplanned baby.

It can be hard some days and we have talked about what if we had stopped at two. With them being 9 & 11 our lifestyle would be a bit different now than it is with the younger two in tow, especially with the 4 year old and still having younger child issues (like carrying spare clothes in case of toilet accidents and needing naps some days etc).

I still would love another baby though lol but it's not going to happen for many reasons. I don't think that cluckiness goes away for some of us

**leesha** · January 15th, 2013, 06:53 AM

It's been said on here before so I will say it again....you never regret the children you have...
And it is totally true! We have number three who wasn't quite decided on but it happened and I couldn't imagine life without him

**LuluHB** · January 15th, 2013, 08:41 AM

I had a huge long list of pros and cons when we were considering a third. From a purely practical point of view, a third was not a good idea - financially its tough, we're going to need to either move house or extend in some way down the track. Emotionally I didn't do well at all with my first two so that was a big worry for me. Physically I suck at pregnancy so that was a worry with two kids to worry about. I'm old.

Having said all that, I also had the emotional feelings you're describing - despite all the cons I couldn't convince my heart it wasn't a good idea. I had gone years of not wanting a third at all but once it hit me, it just didn't shift. DH didn't want a third but I raised it with him, left him to think about it and he fortunately came around. We adopted a "whatever happens, happens" kind of thing but in no time at all (like after the first month) I knew I really NEEDED that baby.

Flash forward to now and I can't imagine not having my third girl. As cliched as it is, she really does complete our family. She's slotted in so well, despite the lack of sleep, feeding issues etc we've had for months now.

I agree with Leesha - you never regret the kids you have.

**LizLemon** · January 15th, 2013, 09:01 AM

Meow I could have written your post. This is something that is driving me nuts at the moment.

I agree with what the others have said - you will never regret the kids you have. But having said that I think it is human nature to not regret any kids that you have - it is instinct to love them and therefore you could never regret them.

We have a huge list of cons with a third and very few pros - and the pros are generally "cos I want one". But I think with me the wanting is a desire to go through the baby stage again - when I look at my family I don't feel like anyone is missing, if that makes sense. So maybe it's a matter of working out whether you want another baby, or another person in your family.

I also am looking at what is the best thing for my current children. Sure, a bigger family may bring them more fun and happiness down the track, but in the shorter term they would miss out on a lot in the form of mummy time, travel (which we want to start doing soon once DS2 is a bit older), family outings etc. Even just being able to go to the park or play outside at certain times I fear would be restricted if I had a third as I can't do as many fun things with them while feeding or settling or anything else that takes so long with a little one. My DS1 suffered (I feel) when I was pregnant with DS2 and in the first year because we were so restricted. So I feel apprehensive about the impact that a third would have on my current two.

I also worry about the fact that each new child you never know what you will get - what if I had a child with severe health problems or special needs? Of course I would still love it etc but it would certainly be hard to cope, when already I feel like we are just surviving day to day!

What you said about surviving vs thriving is a pretty good way to put it.

I've probably not said anything helpful - but just know that you are not alone in this dilemma! Only you and your DH will know what is right for you. I think if we let our hearts rule on this decision we would all have about 20 kids, and it's the head's job to put the balance in and make us stop at the point where the added joy of another child isn't outweighed by the extra stress, logistical issues etc.

**Arimeh** · January 15th, 2013, 09:14 AM

Oh I've faced this decision a few times!!! I thought about it constantly for two months when deciding to go for DD3. Back and forth. In the end, we decided to do it because I couldn't get it out of my head.

And I don't regret that at all. She is an awesome little toddler (well as awesome as toddlers can be lol)

Then we tossed up having another 5. It only took about a week of thinking it over before I realised, nope, I am definitely done. I wanted to concentrate on the kids I have now instead of adding to our issues.

And now the universe has stepped in with other ideas. And now we have to make a decision about something that is really hard.

Like it was said to me, toss a coin - lands on heads, have another baby. lands on tails, don't have a baby. When its in the air you are supposed to realise which one you want it most to land upon!

***EJ*** · January 15th, 2013, 09:22 AM

It can be such a tough one. For us DH and I had discussed things after the boys and decided that we were happy with 2. I was ok with this although it did seem like a very final decision to make.

Then we had out most beautiful and wonderful surprise. Initially it was a little tricky to accept and i struggled a little emotionally but she's meant to be with us and i have absolutely no regrets.

She was a challenge for the first year and a half but even still right from a very young age i wanted another baby. But DH won't have any of it. Realisticly we have more then enough to cope with and out lives are so extrememly rich with love and happiness with the ones we have i'm not complaining in anyway. But i love being mum so much i think i'll always want more.

It occured to me just the other day that with the age DD is now she is my 'oldest baby', in the past i have had another one in my arms as well as one her age. It does make me a little sad

But i think what makes me kind of ok with not having anymore now is how happy i am and how well our family works the way it is. The kids are more than a handful but get along pretty well, we all love and care for eachother and i'm not sure what would happen bringing in another little individual into that. DS2 and DD get along so well and DS1 is a wonderful big brother to both, i'm a little afraid of the possibility of changing this. For better or for wrose (not really the right word but you get my drift??)

So as much as i'll never stop longing for another baby in some way i think i'm done, we are so complete as a family of 5 and i have no regrets what so ever.

**onthefly** · January 15th, 2013, 12:05 PM

I think the heart tends to win out in the end. (But you do need a willing partner, yeah)
DH is not 100% on board with another - we struggle at times with these two, and the past year has been particularly difficult. Our situation is a bit different, though, in that even if we try, it's probably more likely that it won't work anyway. So I'm weighing those odds in when I figure we should just go for it and see.
In the end, I think you make the best of what you've got - whether you have more or don't. It seems to work out.

**Butterfly Dawn** · January 16th, 2013, 09:29 AM

I had a huge long list of pros and cons when we were considering a third. From a purely practical point of view, a third was not a good idea - financially its tough, we're going to need to either move house or extend in some way down the track. Emotionally I didn't do well at all with my first two so that was a big worry for me. Physically I suck at pregnancy so that was a worry with two kids to worry about. I'm old.

Having said all that, I also had the emotional feelings you're describing - despite all the cons I couldn't convince my heart it wasn't a good idea. I had gone years of not wanting a third at all but once it hit me, it just didn't shift. DH didn't want a third but I raised it with him, left him to think about it and he fortunately came around. We adopted a "whatever happens, happens" kind of thing but in no time at all (like after the first month) I knew I really NEEDED that baby.

Flash forward to now and I can't imagine not having my third girl. As cliched as it is, she really does complete our family. She's slotted in so well, despite the lack of sleep, feeding issues etc we've had for months now.

I agree with Leesha - you never regret the kids you have.

Yes We would agree.
We found going from 2-3 isn't as hard as 1-2. and that 3rd somehow balances things. NOT sure how it works, because logistically- have more kids then adults seems harder. and some days it is, but its great.

**~Hestia~** · January 15th, 2013, 12:15 PM

It is such a hard decision! We have decided that two is enough and we're both really comfortable with that now. I took awhile to come around, Buster has been such an easy bub and I thought for months 'oh I could do this again no worries!' lol.

Then one day I held a friends baby and for the first time I didn't have that overwhelming emotional reaction, I just thought 'I don't want one of these' and I have been the same since. A few friends have recently announced pregnancies which admittedly had me thinking things over...but am still happy with our two boys.

Our youngest is now one and our eldest is about to start kinder. We're finally out of that baby stage and we're looking forward to doing other things as a family without the feeding/sleeping/settling groove added in. We're looking forward to going away more, doing things for ourselves by getting back into hobbies, our boys are great together, I can be a SAHM or even go back to uni which I couldn't do if we had another baby.

**MrsFabuloso** · January 15th, 2013, 01:12 PM

DH and I felt similar to you and your DP. I felt I would regret not having more, he didn't really want more. But he told me he could not deny me another child if I might resent him because of it, and he didn't want me living in regret. So we had #3.
Now, I would like to have #4, but he is dead-set against it. But this time is different. I know his reasoning and agree with alot of it. I can see past not having another child. If we were to have another, so be it. It would definitely be an oopsie baby, but it would also be terribly loved, like our other children are, by both of us. But I am respecting DH's wishes this time and not going on about having another baby, because I know where he stands. Most of the time, this stuff is all about communication and compromise.

**Lenny** · January 15th, 2013, 01:50 PM

Meow, it's tough. You hit the nail on the head with the decision taking up too much mental space. It gets all consuming - well it did for me. I'm still not ok about it. It is a bit different for you right now as your window for TTC is in 6-12 months time.

I would try again tomorrow if DH said yes. But don't get me wrong - he never said no. He just overwhelmingly wanted to move on to a different part of his life. But he did acknowledge that it was not purely his decision. But when your other half is not 100% positive about the idea then i knew it wasn't my decision to make either. I had to at least start to entertain the idea that my children might stop at two. And accept that as time wore on, i would eventually no longer desire another baby. I am doing that. It is not a decision that is resolved as such.

You will naturally adore and love any more children, and probably never be able to imagine life any other way.

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · January 16th, 2013, 02:00 AM

As for "you don't regret the children you have" - my mother has often said she regrets having children. Sometimes specifically one of her children, sometimes us in general (but would have been open to different children). So it isn't always true.

**BellyBelly** · January 16th, 2013, 05:33 AM

You don't have to decide now. If you plan on TTC in 6-12 months, then let each day pass without the burden of worrying, and see how you feel in 6-12 months. I couldn't possibly imagine having bubbas close together again, when a gap has been so awesome for us. My DD will be 11 this year in April, my DS is 8. Having to chase them around while I chase DD2 around, oh my goodness. I am tired thinking about it! I am really enjoying being able to focus on bub when needed and the kids understand, or help. Just wait and see, what feels right will be right. I think a big deciding factor for me would be, 'What support do I have right now?' Because I had such little support with my first two, and an ex hubby who was barely around due to work, I couldn't consider another. But if you have hands that can help its more of a yes than a no.

**meow** · January 16th, 2013, 07:34 AM

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! It certainly is something I don't need to decide right now so I am trying not to dwell on it. I can't believe how much it pops into my head though and the unknown makes me keep having plan possible courses of action for the next couple of years based on a zillion options. Need to let it go