Children of Narcissistic Parents

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I thought I might just add too in relation to our kids, I don't think my PIL actually care about them at all. They want to see them and they want to be in their lives but only because PIL think they are entitled and that we are not fulfilling our job as dutiful children by presenting our children to them on a regular basis (or at all).
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Really all they want is some photos for a yearly news letter that they send to all their friends as well as a bit of information.

A few things in what you said rings true, except ours aren't the grandkids that get shown off. I have photo galleries of the kids online that they have the address for and I don't think they look at them - they have one or two very average and extremely out of date photos of our kids while I have all these lovely recent ones on the website.

The few times we visit she talks about the *other* child. The *other* child's spouse. The *other* grandkids. They ask the occasional token question about us and then instantly direct conversation to similar topics about the *other* grandkids. They see us once every several months but still manage to not take photos of us, despite not *having* photos of us. Their house is jam packed with photos of the *other* grandkids. They rarely call or visit. Once she visited on my birthday and talked about some friend (dunno who this friend is) who died of cancer - in extreme detail. When we do visit we either get ignored or we get snide, subtle, hurtful insults followed by "only kidding!". She only came up with a 'grandmother' name when the other grandchildren were born, which means all of my kids call her by her first name, and all the other grandparents get called grandma etc.

Dunno why we bother. Everyone else in the family rings or visits quite often, wants to know what we are doing etc etc. We're going to be crippled by lack of transport very soon now and I expect everyone else to continue to ring and visit and us to just ... not see that family member again, unless they actually visit us. And we've discussed this and pretty much come to the conclusion that we're not going to be missing out on anything. We already know we don't meet the 'proper' socially acceptable definition of a family unit and thus probably aren't good to show off to the ladies at social luncheons.

I honestly don't think they realise they do it. My partner hasn't got the guts to discuss it with that family member, I don't think its my place, so we've just decided to completely stop talking to them and visiting and see what happens. So far, absolutely nothing has happened. Not even a mention when we missed mother's day. Why would they notice us going silent? They have *other* grandkids ...

[NaeNae]

I have decided to ring my local GP to discuss things with him and see what recommendations he can make. I just don't know what to say when I sit down with him. Sopdet gave me some great ideas when she visited, but I am really worried I am going to come across completely nuts even if I say something along the lines of :

"I was having a discussion recently about the problems mum and I seem to have continuously and it was suggested I do some reading into Narc Parents. When I did read up on Narc parents my mother ticked quite a few boxes and I suspect she has an undiagnosed NPD, now that I am aware of the problem quite a lot of the torments I have faced over the years suddenly make sense. I am just wondering where do I go from here?"

I just don't know how that would be received and I am scared I am going to come across as nuts as mother and father and all the relo's and all the close family friends that I have not seen in years, think I am.

Help

Nae

OH Side note Just Me (and others) I have a question ... is it normal for Narcs to do something like this? ..... A few years ago my uncle and his fam were coming down for a visit. First I was told it would be a fri, sat, sun stay and I mentioned this to mum and she emailed me to say that they'd be down Tues, Wed, Thurs so I swapped my shifts so I had the TWT off work. I had emailed uncle but as he rarely reads emails Mum was kind of the go between. I sent uncle an email saying that I had swapped the shifts. 3 days before that weekend mum rang and said they were looking forward to the weekend and I remember arguing with her about the fact that I had changed my roster because she told me they were coming through the week instead. She flatly denied the email and told the family I had organised the shifts for when they visited which was SO not the way I work. I ended up so confused over the matter that went back through all my deleted sent emails but it must have been permanently deleted I couldn't find any from around that date so without any proof I doubted my recollection. Even now I second guess myself, but I know how much I was looking forward to their visit so it doesn't sound like something I would do in that situation.


ANYHOO

what do I say to the Dr? I am so worried I am going to come across nuts but I feel I need to do this not just for my own peace of mind but so I CAN actually say if questioned that I HAVE seen someone about my mental state *cough*

[toomanyshoes]

Nae - My mum flat out denies things as well. I know that feeling of second guessing yourself very well, "Is that really what happened, maybe she's right" and so on. I think it's important to trust my instincts, I know what she said even if she wont acknowledge it.

[Just Me]

Perfectly normal Nae. My MIL has sent us emails saying one thing and when we question her, she says the opposite. We have the emails to prove it and she still denies it or says that we misunderstood.

There are a couple of things going on in that situation with your mum. The first is gaslighting ... Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (because believe it or not there is actually a name for it) and the second is triangulation ... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology) except in your situation, she has set herself up to be the third party. She probably really enjoys being in the middle of all family relationships because that is how she maintains control.

With the GP - I think it depends what your GP does and doesn't know about NPD. If you have a good GP that you trust definitely bring it up with him/her, otherwise maybe you could just ask for a referral to a psychologist that specialises in family relationships. Just tell him that you have issues from your childhood and you have ongoing anxiety and you would like to talk to someone about it. Just a thought anyway if you are worried about telling your GP about NPD. The thing is, if you come across nuts to the GP, you are still likely to get a referral which is the main thing. Just a thought anyway

[StrawberryFields]

Keike - Wouldn't that be fantastic! A magic pill! Or perhaps some kind of annual injection like a flu shot even...hmmm anybody know anyone in the field of experimental biomedical science?

TFB - Yay for the little wins! Humour is a great way to deal with it if you can - its how I deal with DH's work being f-wits all the time.

[~Lashes~]

agghh, need to vent realy realy sorry if this dosent fall under this categry or not, not sure anymore...

was planing on going shopping with df and 3 of the kids today while ds2 was at daycare.. mum starts making plans on the phone lastnight, coming over and us going shopping, i tell her our plans (we havent had the chance to do a "big" shop together since A was born) no matter what i said she was coming over, apparently we cant shop with our kids, we need her to watch them for us so we can, blah blah.. i ended up saying i needed some "down time" and was going alone, DF recived a call from his dad thismorning yelling and carrying on that DF needs to take the kids over to his place so i can have a break, blah blah, (yup mum had called) and basicaly the kids all had to go with df to fil's so mum could take me shopping and for some "me time"
also had a message (from mum) "ur entitled 2 ***** u have ur hands full& not much help i should help more im not much of a mother.."

why are we so incompetent we cant even do something simple?
why dose what we want as a family not matter?

oh thats right even tho we are adults and have our own family, were still just kids obviously we know bugger all and have no idea.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I bet she won't talk to you when you do go shopping, Lashes, as you didn't write back saying no, she's a wonderful mother, how did she do it without the help of someone as wonderful as her... (vomits).

My mother gets upset that Liebs loves going shopping with me and is pretty well-behaved. Excellently behaved for a 4yo boy. But, of course, she had two and it was so much more difficult for her... I told her I was over hearing that: having two children close together in age was her choice and she got to enjoy it. She can't complain about how dreadful her children were to me any more: she knows I will go no contact again if she does that.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Going to my mum's tomorrow for a few days. Really wish that PSG was up and running!
I've had a few more lightbulb moments. Would love to share, but won't in this forum. Sorry

[toomanyshoes]

Mayaness I'm going to mum's today as well for a while, unfortunately it's the only option to get away from DH for a bit!

[Smoke Jaguar]

Ahhh, I will be thinking of you!
It's going to be weird - I've been on that DONM forum and it's really agitated memories and thoughts. I'm considering sending the link to the main site to my sister.
It's going to be like changing lenses and seeing her differently!

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[Just Me]

Well that doesn't really give us many options then does it. Given that your DP doesn't want to care to pursue option 3 (the preferred option) then that really only leaves option 1 or 2. I don't see how we can ever do the right thing because you are not creating a workable situation. The reality is that the situation we're in now is the situation we've been in for a long time. Your DP has avoided option 3 and when someone wants to avoid all contact then you hardly feel welcome in their home. This may have not been explicitly stated but you know when someone doesn't want to be around you. You said yourself that after each visit here you vowed never to visit again so I feel that your DP has wanted to cease contact for some time now and has put that plan into effect. You can't have it both ways though. Since he doesn't want to see us then you can't also complain that we haven't visited.

This is a no-win situation. You are obviously unhappy with the way things are presently but aren't creating a space for things to change. I feel until he has advanced in his therapy it's one that we wont be able to resolve. You know for now I'm done talking about this. I feel that nothing I can say will make things better so what's the point. Your DP wont even respond to my messages so I don't feel like he values our relationship at all. Perhaps I'll contact him when I've had time to come to terms with all of this and find out if he wants me to be a part of his life. Unless he wants that and tells me directly I don't see how we can more forward.

\exits thread

I take it that you both know each other IRL then?

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[Just Me]

Tonight on Insight: Narcissism. Thought it might be worth watching if you are interested. They are talking about when it crosses over to being a disorder from the run of the mill narcissism that helps us all survive life.

7:30pm on Insight.

If you miss it tonight, it is available online. There is also a live chat available online after the show with guests and they repeat the episode during the week though I am not entirely sure of the times. Will let you know when it is repeated if I find out (I think SBS2 has it at 7:30pm on Thursdays but it is also repeated on Friday and Monday during the day possibly).