I thought I might just add too in relation to our kids, I don't think my PIL actually care about them at all. They want to see them and they want to be in their lives but only because PIL think they are entitled and that we are not fulfilling our job as dutiful children by presenting our children to them on a regular basis (or at all). They have grandkids that they have contact with but because they are so easy for them to get to, they don't do much with them but they obsess over my children because they feel that we have taken away their entitlement.

Really all they want is some photos for a yearly news letter that they send to all their friends as well as a bit of information. They also want DH to bring our children to pay homage to them on a regular basis. But it isn't about seeing our kids, it is about our kids worshipping them. They want their friends to see them as doting, loving grandparents, but they aren't. They had a pool that was not fenced and they refused to fence it until the council fined them. They had grandchildren for more than 10 years before they fenced their pool. They had boxer dogs that they used to let in the house when my nephew was a baby ... if SIL put him on the floor, they would open the door and let the dogs run in and on top of him The dogs weighed at least 50kg each. Their dogs have also bitten all of the kids at least once and they still wouldn't put them outside They don't care about their safety. They care about themselves and everyone else has to accommodate them, meet their needs and make them feel good about themselves.

When DH's grandfather died, DH was told that partners and children were not invited to the funeral 'because they're not family'. She only considered her, FIL, DH and DH's siblings to be family in that circumstance. She didn't want her children distracted at the funeral by their own children, so she told her DH and his siblings not to bring their own children. The funeral wasn't here, DH would have had to travel - basically, she wanted them all to take a holiday together without all the pesky attachments. That way they could all focus on her. DH didn't go. His brother and sister did but DH 'let down the family'. DH told her that I was his family (we didn't have kids at the time) and his first priority.

The other thing - when DH's grandad died, we got a copy of the funeral notices. All PIL's kids and grandkids were mentioned by name, but all partners were excluded (same for all DH's cousins and their children). My PIL wrote the funeral notice but did not mention any partners. Same deal when DH's grandmother died. We were no longer having contact, but he and all our children got mentioned in the funeral notice by name, as did his siblings and cousins and all their children, but no partners were mentioned. I think that's odd. It kind of represents how I have always felt about my MIL though - she sees me a uterus, an incubator for her grandchildren (she has NEVER referred to them as our children, they are always HER grandchildren ... I really do think it is her way of owning them) but nothing more. She still sees her own children as her family and she uses them for her narcissistic feed. She muscles the rest of us out in subtle ways, but they are there. Few people would have noticed the absence of partners' names on the funeral announcement, but I did. My whole family - DH and my children were all mentioned, but I was left out, like I didn't exist. I hate the psychological games.