Reply With QuoteWell said - it is exactly what I do with any thread, controvertial or not. I read and decide what points I want to run with/try/ignore etc...
Thanks for all the differing opinions - certainly has given me alot to think about
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I put off replying to this thread because I really wasn't sure what I wanted to say but im going to give it a go...
Yeah it did "feel" like some were being attacked because they didn't hold the same opinion, which is why i have held back my opinion but once you step back, you realise that most women here are just giving their opinion on their REALITY.
Your reality is going to be different to mine.
You sex life is going to be different to mine.
Is yours better? No, but it's best for you. (in truth, anyone's sex life is probably better than mine at the moment!)
What I choose to do from this thread?
Take each opinion on board, pull it apart, see if ANY of the pieces fit into my life and hope it makes a difference if a difference is needed.
Not every opinion is going to mesh and that's ok - it's not wrong, just our lives are too different.
But maybe, just maybe their will be a piece somewhere that does fit and it helps? I'd really like that.
So thank you to you lovely ladies that took the time to write and put forth your opinion and your reality - you have helped someone very much in need...
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Well said - it is exactly what I do with any thread, controvertial or not. I read and decide what points I want to run with/try/ignore etc...
Thanks for all the differing opinions - certainly has given me alot to think about
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Glamourcide:
I think you should post more often!! I love reading your posts! And this one is spot on!!!
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I do agree with you but there were several posters who agreed with the OP and turned the discussion into 'high school' standards and also in turn made their post offensive (is it OK for the thread to turn all 'high school' providing those posts agree with the OP?). I have been reading the entire thread and chose not to post despite having completely different opinions on the topic to the majority of posters, but when I read something that I felt was offensive (and not just to me BTW, very possibly offensive to many others reading this thread) then I like to step in and provide another point of view. I think I'm personally being informative, maybe enlightening those who had not considered the other side to the story. That is a 'grown-up' way to add to a thread like this. Implying that other peoples partners will 'cheat' or 'stray' due to lack of sex is NOT HELPFUL nor mature.I mean, come on. We're not in high school here - get over yourselves and take these sorts of threads for what they intend to be (a grown-up and mainly light-hearted discussion involving personal experiences and ideas you may or may not agree with), instead of derailing them into the train wrecks of 'I feel judged' or 'You're just ignorant' that they seem to be becoming more and more these days
Last edited by Taurean; March 22nd, 2011 at 10:51 AM.
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I totally get you, Taurean - what I'm saying is that I can guarantee none of us are going to agree 100% with opinions on either side of the fence (I know I don't), and we need to remind ourselves not to take such posts so personally. Yes, it's a sensitive topic and we all should tread carefully knowing that there are so many different opinions out there, but there's a difference between feeling like you can't say what you want, and saying what you want but doing it in a tactful and sensitive way. Even if you adamantly disagree with someone, there's no need to be rude about it - and remember that, as offensive as one may find certain posts, they're not speaking specifically about you (collective 'you') or your situation, so even if you do believe that they are coming from a point of ignorance or inexperience, there's no need to point it out in so many words - why not just say, 'I don't agree, and this is my experience', rather than flame another poster or jump to offense in place of the natural defensive position?
Example that is standing out to me - posters feeling 'judged' or attacked for not having lots of sex, snapping back and implying that those of us who are having lots of sex must (or at least probably) have poor relationships that simply can't be maintained without a sexual relationship. Come on. I'm lucky I can laugh that notion off because I know it's not the truth for me and my husband, I don't feel offended by those assumptions but I imagine there may be others who DO feel offended by that implication. Which turns a worthwhile discussion into a petty tit-for-tat. 'You suggested that my relationship may run into difficulties over the lack of sex, so I'm going to defend myself by saying your relationship must be inferior if you need regular sex to stay together'.
Of course there have been posts, on both sides of the discussion, that have included some (in my opinion) insensitive or not very well-worded or -thought out statements or ideas. But that doesn't mean they're not valid. That doesn't mean others have the right to jump all over them and suggest that the poster is 'arrogant' or 'ignorant' or just plain doesn't know what they're on about - all of us have different experiences and we can respect that while still stating our opinions. You're (again, collective 'you) are more than welcome to focus on a particular statement that you disagree with, and point out why and perhaps help change someone's perspective by sharing, but when we're all jumping up and down saying the wordy equivalent of 'How DARE you?!', nobody learns a thing and the topic gets way off track.
FWIW, I don't agree that a lack of sex will lead to a spouse cheating. I know partners who have cheated whether they've been getting plenty at home or none, and I know partners that have remained faithful regardless of the state of their sex life. I'm sure we can all agree, as others have stated, that relationship breakdown or dissatisfaction is much bigger than 'just' sex. The cheating element is probably an irrelevant one to the OP's original idea, which was simply that it might be helpful to all of us to have a look at our sex lives (and the bigger picture) and see if we can find ways to improve that part of our relationships in order to improve or overall relationships. That's not a bad thing, I don't think - and like I said, if you don't think that notion is a useful one to you and your spouse, then you're free to ignore it and move on with your life!
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I totally understand where you're coming from Glamourcide, I really doI think being such a sensitive topic though, posting in threads such as these really needs a lot of thought and quite a lot of tact (from both parties too - those who are getting it and those who aren't!). A low-sex relationship can be very stressful and upsetting and there can be a lot of work involved to help individuals and couples get through it (with or without therapists) and although a lot of the responses in this thread have been written in a collective 'You' way, for those reading who are trying to come to terms with their low-sex relationship and or work though it, it can be a terrible set back. It can instantly make them doubt themselves and their relationship.
Like I said earlier, I'm in a low-sex marriage and thanks to counselling (both with a sex therapist and psychologist), I'm pretty cool with it now. But when our 'issue' first became apparent (about 6 years into our relationship), when I believed it was 'wrong' and 'strange' for my DH to have a low libido (and I mean 'wrong' only because everyone, besides therapists, said it was), reading or hearing comments like some of those in this thread would have completely screwed with my mind. My old friend 'Mr Doubt' would have started questioning everything again. I generally couldn't give a rats what anyone else thinks or says now as I know better (a good therapist will do that
) but boy have I had many moments where I've doubted myself and our relationship and it's hard for something like this thread to not cause doubt in those who are living in a low-sex relationship. The general population tends to believe that it's not 'normal' for couples to be having less sex than the 'average' couple but that is only because it's not openly spoken about. And it's threads like this that only make the issue worse. I'm sure no one meant to offend anyone but coming from the other side, I can see how easily people were offended.
The other thing that seemed to cause offense was comments about 'sex after baby' by those that haven't even had a baby yet! I think it's one of those threads, mainly because it is such a sensitive subject, that only those who have been through it should post. I know we can ignore the posts from those who haven't been through it but when they voice their opinions so loudly, it's quite hard to ignore them!I don't reply in threads about LTTC, miscarriages & stillborns, children with medical conditions, etc because I don't belong there. They are sensitive subjects and I have no personal experience in them - my opinion is not needed. I think the same applies to this particular thread. Unless you've been there ie 'after baby', then how can you really add value to the discussion IYKWIM. Once again, I wasn't personally affected by those particular posts but I think it's pretty obvious why some others were.
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I agree with roryrory, I agree with Glamourcide and I agree with Taurean. Infact, I'm feeling so generally loved up agreeing with everyone that I think I might whack some Barry White on.
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I get that Mayaness, and I'm speaking very broadly here, not just about this thread. I'm just getting really sick and tired of people posting their opinion (on ANY given subject), and instead of people taking it for what it is and discussing it like adults, they jump to the conclusion that they must be under attack or criticism purely because Opinion A is different to theirs (or Experience/Anecdote/Evidence A is different to theirs).
It's why I'm not posting a lot lately - I can't be bothered to say something, then in the same post essentially take it back and add endless 'buts' and assuage people who can't see my opinions for what they are - AN OPINION. That is mine. That isn't wrong, just different.
I know you're being facetious but you know what I was getting at with my use of the word 'rule' (and I did use quotation marks to show I was using the term very loosely). What I mean by that is - if you read something you find 'offensive' to your sensibilities, try to realise that we're not talking about you specifically and, tbh, don't really mind much about whether you can relate to our experiences or not - that's your business. I'm just tired of not being able to say, 'The sky is cloudy' without someone saying, 'It is not, is it a fine, sunny day from where I'm standing and I find it insulting that you would suggest otherwise'.
Whenever I say something, here or IRL, I am speaking in generalisations UNLESS I specifically state that I am referring to myself or someone else. Why is anecdote automatically assumed to be an attack on someone who has experienced something different? We're all welcome to put forth differing opinions, that's what makes this place great, but I'm losing patience with this constant need for people to 'feel judged/attacked'... I mean, come on. We're not in high school here - get over yourselves and take these sorts of threads for what they intend to be (a grown-up and mainly light-hearted discussion involving personal experiences and ideas you may or may not agree with), instead of derailing them into the train wrecks of 'I feel judged' or 'You're just ignorant' that they seem to be becoming more and more these days
i really agree with this post. im relatively new to this forum, but here is what i have seen so far. (kinda off topic)
it seems that there is always someone ready to turn someones words/experience/opinion into a criticism, and jump on the "im offended" bandwagon. even if this was clearly not the intent.
as this thread gets longer and longer, posts seem to be getting written much more carefully.many appear to be walking on egg shells, trying very hard not to "offend" anyone.
then someone "slips up". by slipping up,i mean someone says something that can be (if the reader chooses)taken the wrong way. when it is in fact just thier experience/opinion. then the poster gets made to feel awful for stating thier opinion. Are we seriously expected to know everyones thoughts on the topic???
so then come the apologies and clarification posts...backing the trucks up.
i dont think anyone should have to apologise for stating an opinion when it isnt personally directed at anyone. we shouldnt have to be "careful" with what we write. as long as we arent cursing and personally "attacking" someone, then we should respect and appreciate everyones input.
No one should be made to feel that thier opinion is any less valid that someone elses.
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I just want to thank everyone who shared their opinions and experiences in this thread. You've all given me a lot to think about and made me realise that I need to have a conversation with DH (as a start).
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