Family structures and annoying comments

[Teeki]

Ugh, I hate these comments, I hear it all the time. Not necessarily comments about it being tough on me working full time with kids, because it is and it's not what I really want - I know there are mothers in your position PN, who have made a decision with their partner to work full time and it works for them. That's fantastic, but it's not what works for me so I guess when I hear that it must be tough on me, it doesn't get to me because I kind of agree, for my situation.
But, DH finishes work at 3, and we decided that even though overtime is readily available to him, we would prefer him to pick up the kids at 3 rather than wait for me to get them when I finish - could be 6pm some nights. Apparently, he's under my thumb, and he's soft. What kind of man would actively choose time with his children over earning more money, or going to the pub?! And doing it so his wife doesn't have to sacrifice her work hours? Nonsense, that must be one ball-breaking wife!

I hate that he gets these comments, rather than being told what a wonderful father and husband he is. (Although that's another thing altogether, he's not automatically Dad of the Year just because he does his share of parenting.)

[wysiwyg]

I think you have misinterpreted her (although I do think there are issues in society around gender roles) - she may have a current partner in mind who she already knows what his career aspirations are and that they wouldn't involve him taking up a primary caregiver role and she may be completely supportive of his career - so if you are in that situation if you know you want kids, then the issues you have outlined about your profession and having kids are very valid. When she said "Yes, but if he wasn't prepared to do that, wouldn't it be really hard to have kids and be a lawyer?" - I see her as actually asking if you are with someone and you get to the point of deciding whether to have kids or not if your partner wasn't prepared to take on the primary caregiver role (who knows what career they might have) and you were a lawyer - could it actually be managed? Would it actually be likely to lead to a joint decision not to have kids.

There are two people, two careers - is it possible for both to have a career - yes certainly, but it does somewhat depend on the careers of each party - not everything fits well together (or with peoples ideas about parenting). Maybe she doesn't have a partner at all - and who knows the career of the person she would end up with - if she already knows she definitely wants kids - then really she is just covering all bases about finding out what would be the implications if she ended up with someone who wasn't going to be primary caregiver (the other person might not even be a man). PN - you have been with your DH a long time, so have followed the path together - many people meet people much later in life with established careers, wanting to know how it might be if you ended up in partnership with someone who has an equally important view of their career to you - seems entirely sensible.

I really think she was asking a general question of "but what if your partner isn't prepared to be the primary caregiver" - as in at the point you are thinking about having kids - what then, what would that mean, would it be doable, what would be the implications?

Of course maybe she said more than you have written that really did suggest the "screw this malarkey, I’m heading off back to work” - man makes the unilateral decision angle.