Feeling like a single parent

[Visitor9]

Hi all,
I am so frustrated at the moment, our DD was born over 7 months ago and I have done everything for her since she was born. DH hasn't ever fed, changed, dressed, bathed ohh the list could go on and on.
I have told him to lift his game and he promises that he will but then the next day he is the same.
I understand that he works and has stressful days, but playing with her for 5 minutes dosen't classify as parenting.
We both wanted this baby and tried to concieve for 6 years, we have endured 2 late mc and IVF. It is almost like he exhausted from the years of trying.
I love Eliza with all my heart but honestly I am a single parent. He does help around the house but if I ask him to do anything with the baby he ends up following me around with her.
I suggest taking her for a walk so I can catch up on things and he puts her in the pram and does laps of the backyard...yes I can see him, and he calls out things like "put the kettle on, I'm parched" yeah walking a perimetre of a house block does that to you.
I love him with all my heart but I am so frustrated.
I have sent him to parenting classes, it hasn't helped much. I do worry if something should ever happen to me what...he tells me that he would just ring his mum..grwlll
Thanks for listening I feel better just speaking about it.
Bec

[Melly01]

I haven't given birth yet, but I have a feeling that my DF will be exactly the same, if the way he is acting now is any indication.
I love him, but I am feeling like it'd be better if I was a single mother because then I wouldn't have him to do everything for and still have him criticise me and everything I do. I feel like I just need a break, but I can't say anything to him because then he gets all offended, even when I try to be as nice as I can about it. It's all right for him to call me lazy if I need to catch up on sleep, but if I imply he doesn't help out enough he gets mad.
Sorry, there isn't much point to this, I just needed to have a whinge.

[BellyBelly]

Bec,

Probably parenting workshops wont help as much as something like counselling or psychology. After four years of trying every single way possible to ask my dh to stop working so much and after a 76 hour week - it was the straw that broke the camels back. I learnt some great tips and techniques at the 'being a mother' workshop here in Melbourne - you can check out her site of the same name. It's run by Melbourne psychologist, Betty Chetcuti and things between hubby and I are getting better, finally after me being so terribly frustrated for so long. She's doing some half sessions for only $25 as part of a uni study if you are interested, normally her full day course is $440 which is rebatable through Private Health cover but I felt that I got a great deal out of it for husband issues.

[sunnymel]

bec - i so think you are married to my DP - he is exactly the same & the more i say or suggest things he does the opposite (just to **** me off i think) some days i think i would be better off living by myself back near my family but then i dont want to take having her dad around away from my DD - i know exactly what you are saying but unfortunately have no answers as to why they are like this - it just gets so frustrating!!

[Visitor9]

Thanks girls,
I think sometimes "pretending" that life is perfect is exhausting in itself.
DH has this week off, so I am hoping that we can make some improvement to the situation ( unfortunatley golf has taken priority).
I just never thought we would be in this position.
Thanks Kelly for the information. Do you do it as a couple or can I do it by myself? DH is a very busy man so he keeps on telling me. Funny how golf can be a busy situation.
Thanks for making me feel not alone
Bec
xxx

[Custardtart]

One of the major issues with creating a family is that the man all of a sudden feels like not only does he have a baby that requires a lot of extra work, but he has lost the emotional support of his partner because she is focused on the baby and not him.
I found that my DH was a lot more willing to support me around the house once I started focusing on his emotional needs rather than just expecting him to 'be a good father'.

I think that sometimes there is a huge gap in expectations between women and men when a child is born, and nobody really can anticipate the way the child changes the relationship between the parents. In the same way that you feel your DH is not supporting you, he quite probably feels that you have become very remote from him.

Another aspect is that if he tries to help, and you are obviously not happy with the way that he has chosen to help, he will probably think 'well why bother', instead of trying harder next time. Believe me, I UNDERSTAND your frustration only too well.
Try to open lines of communication when you aren't stressed or upset, maybe go out for a night and have a meal together, talk about something that isn't baby-related and work on your 'together time' with him for a couple of hours before bringing up the areas of conflict. Discussing it in a manner which he feels is confrontational won't produce good results, no matter how 'right' you are.

Good luck,

Kerrie

[belmarks]

GRRR Bec!! I am going through exactly the same situation. Except that my DH thinks that [color=red]football[/color] is much more important than home.

Like you, we tried for years and years to get pregnant, finally conceiving through IVF and we had this discussion about him being an active part in the childs life, before I was even pregnant. I had this same issue with my father (who Im now estranged from) because his hobbies were WAY more important than his family. And like I said, I discussed all these feelings with my hubby before I even got pregnant and he promised that he would be active in the parenting stakes, and now that our little man is here, he's nowhere to be seen.

I seriously feel like Im on my own. I had a discussion with him this afternoon about the lack of time that he spends at home with us helping out and he just brushed it off like I was a stupid hormonal *****.

I have tried discussing these feelings and problems with him calmly and rationally, but no matter how I paint it, he just doesn't get it. Its bloody hard work dealing with a baby day in and day out especially when you don't get a 5 minute break some days to even have a shower.

It is really hard to WANT to be intimate or loving towards your husband when they are constantly letting you down. Plus you spend all day attending to someone elses needs, the last thing you want to do at the end of the day is tend to a needy husband who doesn't really appreciate you and the job that you've been doing all day. If they did, they would be more available for you and help you out so that you would want to spend more time with them because they are caring and thoughtful.

There is no greater moment than when you see your husband be with their child and really enjoy themselves and the child does too...

[Butterfly_Kisses]

I have one of those partners to. The first 7 months of my son's life nearly killed me!, I had to put him into daycare at 8 months old for 2 half days a week to have a break.

There seems to be a pattern here though girls, it sounds like we all have mummies boys .

[belmarks]

I hope I end up being Coby's favourite - hard to tell yet as he's still little but already he puts his arms out to me when he cries...

[Debbie Lee]

Hey Bec,
Only just saw this post.
How is Nick going now? Do you think he has improved?

Maybe we need to send Nick, Shane and Neil to a playcentre with the girls one weekend?? We'll turn off our mobiles so that they can't get in contact with us and have to figure things out for themselves?
I know that some guys learn from observing... maybe it will help?

[christy]

LOL Deb thats almost exactly what my friends & I did. We sent the boys out with the girls together & turned the phones off. Luckily for me, DH is amazing but he said the other two were hopeless & he wound up watching the 3 girls and the other boys stood there talking sport. But through more encouragement from the guys the other guys have come around a bit.

[Astrid]

I'll send DH down as well, he needs to spend more time with Maggie. Made him take she shopping the other day, he likes to show her off, so I'll get him to do that a bit more.

[BellyBelly]

Bec,

Sorry I have missed your reply... can you print off this and stick it to the fridge? https://www.bellybelly.com.au/men/not-fair

I would definitely seek support on your own if he wont go. Or perhaps give him an ultimatum to go and make some time. This is an important issue and he should definitely be making time to repair the relationship if it's important to him.

Hang in there hon, I do know how you feel, it's been a tough 4 years for me and I wouldn't wish it upon any mum. But if he can get some help with you, it's so important - if not - you need help and support. Find others to support you, get out to playgroups etc. I know it's not the solution, but as my very good counsellor said to me, 'leaving them just puts you in the same situation with no support. you need to get yourself support even if he's not coming to the party.'

I could recommend some great counsellors to you but you seem out of Melbourne - not sure who is close to you. Good luck xox

[Visitor9]

He does now take her for a walk after work so I can start on dinner she loves her bike but has now got into a stage of crying so I will take her. So tiny steps its just really hard not to hold him responsible for my anger, and if I hear oohhh he will get better as she gets older once more I will strangle the person lol usually the IL's.
I think I should open a daystay centre for fathers that either lack motivation or confidence.
LOL Deb...I know that Shane and Neil would put Nick to shame I wouldnt want to dint his ego so he can use that as an excuse.
Bec

Printed and on the fridge..EYE level so he doesnt have to look too hard

[BellyBelly]

Awww no Bec, don't get into the trap I did... I would take the kids off him and comfort them as they would cry for me too, but now he can NEVER settle them - they both want me all the time when tired, hurt etc so don;t get into that trap!

Get her to leave you over you leaving her, so she thinks she is going and you aren't then have some time to yourself. I know it's hard, but you will never have a break and end up the crazy frazzled mum like me

[belmarks]

can't believe everyone has been posting in here again, right when I need it most.

Having major issues with DH at the mo, his sport is way more important to him than us and I cannot get it through his thick head that I need him to be a conscious part of our family. It was his decision along with mine to have a baby, and now he's out more than he's home, its just so hard. I feel like he is avoiding us, like we are a massive weight around his neck and holding him down. I've tried talking to him time and time again, but it makes no difference. He's become increasingly more stubborn as time goes on and just doesn't want to listen to reason.

I actually went to a counsellor yesterday and he was crap, he basically told me to leave him and that things would never change. If I was ready to leave him, I would have done it, I wouldn't have been going to a counsellor to ask him how I could leave, I was going there to find out how I could try to help repair our relationship.

I now know how his mother must have felt with her hubby, he probably brow beat her into submission too. And if anyone in here really knew me, they would know how strong I usually am, so putting up with this type of behaviour is uncommon for me. I have a lot of friends in the footy scene who just seem to be ok with the little amount of time their DH's are home, but I just hate it, and I don't know why. Perhaps its something to do with the fact that my father thought more of his hobbies than of us children (consequently we don't even talk now - no loss either) and I guess that sticks in the back of my mind - I have this little voice telling me that he's doing the same things that my father did to us. But in reality he's not doing it like that, he's great with Coby, something that my father never was, he never was great with us, he never even cared to be honest. But DH loves Coby to death but is just not participating in the game really.....

We had a huge discussion last night about it, but nothing has come of it again, he just basically demanded what he wanted, told me what he was doing, and that was that. I have to like it or lump it basically. So we are no closer to fixing anything.

Isn't it funny how you think that having a baby will bring you closer together, but in actual fact, it creates a whole lot of different issues that you both need to deal with.....