How do you reconcile different parenting styles?

[LimeSlice]

DH never wanted kids. I knew that and made the decision no tot have them, and be with him instead.

Then I fell pregnant with DD.

and he ADORES her, loves her to bits, and there was NEVER a day he didn't want her once we knew I was pregnant.

So, suffice it to say, we never had discussions on parenting, aside form the usual theoretical conversations... We never decided we would have kids and were on the same page with how we wanted to raise them, etc.

We did have some discussions when I was pregnant, and I thought we were on the same page. Well, we were. Then I found BB and actually HAD a baby and have done some serious reflection on how my family is what caused us to be like we are ad what traits I do and don't want DD to have, and how to achieve this. And how many different ways there are to achieve a healthy happy well adjusted child and adult.

Now that DD is almost 18 months - waling talking, generally being destructive lol - DH and I seem to be at almost polar opposites with so many aspects of parenting.

I don't wan to go into too much detail, because I don't wan this to become an attack or debate on any specific style or actions, just interested in how you reconcile and solve different parenting styles between you and your partner...

It seems that this would maybe be more relevant to couples who had unplanned children as we did, as I always thought if I was with someone who wanted kids, with whom I had planned "that" life then it would have been something that was considered and discussed in much more detail before deciding to take the plunge iykwim....

For example, DH will NOT get up in the night for Charlotte anymore (unless of course is is obviously hysterical) - says she is consciously manipulating me to get me in there, that she is or should be quite capable os self-soothing and going back to sleep - so steadfastly refuses to go in there. (she usually wakes only 1-2 times a ngith unless teething, many nights not at all)
Even though most of the time she has had a bad dream or turned and rolled into the side of the cot and scared the crap out of herself and requires a quick cuddle, or a drink of water, and she nods off again within 3 minutes, back to bed, no worries.
I have discovered that I have a real gut reaction to NOT let her cry in the middle of the night until she goes back t sleep.
This has led to sooo many fights at the moment. Most ending in me getting very upset, him refusing to even THINK there may be another way than letting her cry, and me insisting that she is ONE YEAR OLD WHAT THE HELL DOES HE EXPECT HER TO DO??
I get very upset at his inability to even look for another alternative to doing something I am uncomfortable with.

His response is "I'll do it my way, you do it your way when you are with her"
Which I think is the most petty and confusing thing possible for Charlotte.

I really would like to know a way that we can come to some sort of understanding about these things. I know I frustrate him with the way I do things too, and I am still trying to find a middle ground, he is just so pig headed!

This is really becoming a MASSIVE strain on our relationship at the moment, and I don't like where I see it headed...


Help anyone!!

[Pandora]

I dont have much in the way of advice except to say Im in a similar situation of having a very different parenting style to DH, and he seems to think thats OK.
Recently i have made inroads on some of it though, when I asked him if it would be ok for daycare to do XYZ, and he said no way..but he was doing it..i think that gave him some perspective..
Sorry Im not more help but wanted to give you and know that someone else out there feels your pain

[Lulu]

Planned baby or no, different parenting styles can be HARD to deal with.

I parent with dp separately. Its the only way I can handle it. I've known him years and DS was planned but .....

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

The look of death works well in this house. Or I insist DH lives up to the standards he has for DS.

We have differences very rarely, because we've fallen into the same parenting style: I did it all for a year, DH saw it worked quite well, so does similar things. Like we tell DS what's going on, if we tell him we'll do XYZ then we stick to it, that sort of thing. Night waking is the hardest, but we agree that DS screaming for a half-hour means less sleep than him being awake for 2 minutes. I do all the night wakings so DH doesn't mind: DH also gets up with DS if I've had a really bad night. But DH sleeps through so he doesn't mind.

Maybe you could get your DH some earplugs and just deal with the night wakings yourself? I know it's not "fair" but it's how to get your own way.

[fionas]

It sounds like you have a different outlook on WHY DD does certain things. One is waking up in the night - you think it's because she's scared and he thinks it's because she's manipulating you.

We were at the park today and DD screamed for 15 minutes when it was time to get off the swing. Now I see that as DD being very determined - I'm sure other people would see DD as being 'bad' or 'spoilt'. Luckily, DP thinks the same way I do - it would be extremely difficult if he didn't and wanted to smack her, for example. Instead, we just roll our eyes, laugh and tell the other aghast parents, "yeah, she hasn't cottoned on to the concept of sharing yet."

So I think you have two options.

1. Handle all the nightwakings yourself as well as dealing with the other issues (and I'm guessing maybe they're tantrums etc) your way and taking on the bulk of the parenting yourself. Or

2. Try to persuade him around to your feelings on WHY DD behaves in a certain way - which I'm sure is totally normal you just have different perspectives. Maybe get him a book to read about the stuff that resonates for you.

And yeah, it's easy to think that when parents plan babies they also talk about how that child will be parented but I don't think many people talk about it that much. We all make it up as we go along and we're never really sure how we'll parent until it actually happens.

Good luck - I hope the two of you can talk about it more together and find some common ground.

[Gigi]

i am having some fundamental differences of opinion with bilby's dad too

real day to day stuff

e.g it's taken me three years to convince him it's important to have a table to eat at, to teach her table manners, etc.

he thought it was acceptable to eat on trays, on our laps in front of tv, forever.

i think we should sit at the table together, eat together, share our days event with each other.

there are gazillions of other situations we are also stalemate about - i think one way, he thinks the opposite.

if i could move out and start living as a single mum with bilby, i would.

it's been a shock to me, that he can't put her first, like i want to.

[Chocaholic]

All I can suggest is ask him to schedule a time with you to talk. Make a list so you can discuss it without getting too emotional. Tell him that you are scared that it may have a detrimental affect on your relationship if you don't get it sorted out.

If he balks, ask why. If he loves DD so much, why would he not want to ease the conflict caused by the different styles?

Definitely acknowledge he is a good dad but stress that the BOTH of you need to refine your parenting techniques so you can get consistency for DD. After all, consistency will make her behaviour easier to handle (hopefully) as SHE will then know what to expect.