I don't know what to do

[Torn]

Nelle - I'm pretty sure he does. He has made some very specific comments of late asking if I'm comming back when I go out etc. I know he's worried. He has improved some behavior in the last few days... but I worry it is temporary... been there before.

I have tried to get him to go to counselling - he refuses. He doesn't believe in that sort of stuff. I'm very much in to holisitc care - he isn't. My workplace has an Employee Assistance Program but accessing it without DH finding out will be difficult. To access it, I would need him to pick up or drop off DD so I can go outside of my shifts... then I'd have to explain and it wouldn't go well. It is very isolating.

I feel ok at the moment. It is just trying to get my head and heart to reconcile. And work out what to do. It is a huge thing to have to consider. And is this relationship salvagable? How do you know? Because I don't know any more...

[willow5]

Could you have a break with out actually saying it's over? Some time on your own to try and sort through what's going through your head?

Could you and DD go and stay with your family for a couple of weeks? Call it a mental health holiday. Maybe some time away from DH would help make things a little clearer?

I know that probably wouldn't be easy to do getting leave from work etc. I just know I find it easier to think things through when I can have some me time away from distractions.

Stay strong I know it's hard.

[Torn]

I do have leave booked for later in the year (Oct). I can't get it any earlier due to serious staffing issues... but my leave seems like a life time away. I am planning to go home and see my Grandparents, they haven't seen DD for 2 years!!!!

I have been making sure I have lots of "Me" time to try and think. And getting out of the house as much as possible. But when I have DD with me - I feel like she is clouding my thoughts and decision making. Does that make sense? I went for a nice long walk this morning and just felt so at peace... it was lovely. Wish I could have bottled the feeling!!!

[Michelle71]

DH may not want to go to counselling but why don't you? Make him aware that you are going, get him to pick up DD. He knows you are considering it - just tell him you are making every effort to get the marriage to work but if it doesn't (he knows you are considering leaving) you will have made every effort. It might guilt him into attending too (which may uncover the underlying issues he has) but if not it can provide you with an outlet to clear your thoughts to make the decision that best suits you and DD. It could also give you access to support services when the time comes.

And consider moving (yes, there will be access / custody issues to consider etc) where there is more support and more people to love you and DD

[Janie]

:yeahthat:

What a tough time you're having. You know, if your relationship ends, you can do it on your own with your DD. Yes, it will be tough, but you will be so much happier. It sounds as though you do a hell of a lot anyway.

And if you do decide to leave, or decide with your husband that you're going to separate, then really be sure of what you are entitled to. I see no reason you need to go out and buy all new household items etc. At the very least you should be able share what you have already in your house. At the very least. And don't short change yourself thinking it will be easier (or whatever) to just leave stuff behind and start again - IT WON'T BE. You take what is yours, and what you're entitled to.

So yeah, if you do decide to leave, then make sure you have spoken to someone in family law to find out exactly what you're entitled to. And you never know, some counselling may help to salvage things for you

[willow5]

But when I have DD with me - I feel like she is clouding my thoughts and decision making. Does that make sense?

Definately makes sense! And October does seem like miles away. Keep up the me time as much as you can.
I don't suppose DH would look after DD for a weekend so you could go away for a couple of days by yourself??

When you go to stay with your grandparents would they look after DD for a few days so you can be on your own for a while?

It might not seem like it right now but you will come out the other end of this whatever you decide, and feel better!!

I'll be checking in regularly to see how you're going

[Lulu]

What would be the problem with DH finding out you were accessing the EAP? It's not like he doesn't know you are unhappy, and doesn't necesarrily mean you will leave straight away. Can't you tell him you need help to sort out your feelings?

[rufalina]

You have access to EAP, I think you should use it. And I agree, can it hurt things further to let DH know you are doing it, and trying to sort yourself out, as Lulu said...