Is online flirting ok?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

That's not flirting. That is making plans.

Flirting, I couldn't care less. Openly and actively encouraging a situation that is inevitably and clearly designed to lead to compromising your marriage/relationship, is not ok.

I agree. Flirting is not suggesting a "play" on the beach. Unless he really likes The Tempest and there's a production of it near her that they could both watch. Maybe starring Patrick Stewart... although that would go beyond flirting and into "encouraging lust-filled fantasies" for me too.

[Butterfly Dawn]

If its secret then its wrong. If it suggests places etc then its planning of sorts.
On Fb? its open but disrespectful imo.
In a game online, its normally just BS and bored people chatting so I wouldn't worry.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but good to see he is upfront about it. That really says a lot about him and your relationship.
I hope you can get to the bottom of easily and move forward, but perhaps a couple of visits to a councillor would help you both.
Hugs

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unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. its not.
Dr Seuss

[aussienic]

I think it really depends on the flirting and the people involved and what each person considers ok. For example, I have pretty flirty conversations with my friends (both guys and girls) with plenty of innuendo, but DF is fine with it cause he knows it's just being silly. NYE a couple of years ago, a friend was drunk and was grabbing the boobs of a lot of the girls and also ended up motorboating me. I thought it was hilarious given who it was so because I didn't care, DF didn't care. Had I taken issue with it though, DF would have aswell. DF could do the same thing, with the flirty conversation etc and depending on who it was, I'd be ok with it. That said, other people wouldn't consider any of that ok. So it really depends on the couple and what they consider ok.

If it was all secret squirrel though, then that wouldn't be ok in my opinion cause it means there's something to hide. I figure if it's all innocent, it doesn't need to be hidden.

Agreed. I tend to be flirty when I'm drinking lol. Dh actually finds it amusing. Plus he gets all the benefits later on (if you know what I mean). It's harmless flirting.

I do agree though if it is hidden away then it's a big no no. I openly flirt in front of my Dh with him or with others. I would never do it when he wasn't around ever.

Also it depends on what you consider flirting?

[Phteven]

Not ok.
Especially not if it makes you feel uncomfortable enough to start this thread.

[ladybird11]

Prior to this I felt 100% secure in my relationship with DH. Like there would be noooooo way he would ever do anything remotely like this to me. Now my self confidence feels a bit shattered....I really didn't need to read about him wanting to see her in a bikini on the beach with a *drool* and her wanting to see his body in speedo's (amongst other things).

I also feel disrespected as there was conversation about our marriage (just the negative aspects of me being away from the family alot due to work) and because of my feelings towards this particular female - I really despise that he spoke to her, of all people about our issues, it's like a slap in the face....her of all effing people! He knew damn well I was 'dark' on her.

I'm ok when I'm distracted. It's when I'm not distracted it cuts like a knife.

[Rouge]

Definitely not ok.

What are you going to do?

[Floweryfields]

I think it really depends on the flirting and the people involved and what each person considers ok. For example, I have pretty flirty conversations with my friends (both guys and girls) with plenty of innuendo, but DF is fine with it cause he knows it's just being silly. NYE a couple of years ago, a friend was drunk and was grabbing the boobs of a lot of the girls and also ended up motorboating me. I thought it was hilarious given who it was so because I didn't care, DF didn't care. Had I taken issue with it though, DF would have aswell. DF could do the same thing, with the flirty conversation etc and depending on who it was, I'd be ok with it. That said, other people wouldn't consider any of that ok. So it really depends on the couple and what they consider ok.

If it was all secret squirrel though, then that wouldn't be ok in my opinion cause it means there's something to hide. I figure if it's all innocent, it doesn't need to be hidden.

Totally not the topic of discussion, but anyone who behaves like that, drunk or not, needs serious help. It's sexual asault regardless of if he knows the person or not, it's not on.


To answer the question, nope, never right online, offline, makes no difference if you are with someone other than the person you're flirting with.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I'm actually supporting a friend through something very similar to this. Her DP is a flirt but he did cheat on her many times when they first got together, she claims that he 'cleaned up his act' when they had kids but she has since stumbled across very similar messages in his FB that make her question. I agree completely that the second it turns to making plans, ie: the beach and seeing each other in their swimmers. Thats not ok in my eyes. A little harmless flirting is that harmless, you both know youre not serious. And the fact hes talked about your problems with this other woman is a worry also. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, does he know you read it all? what did he say to him sharing your personal problems with this person.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Listen to your gut.
If you need to be distracted from your gut, or if you need to put the question to others, then your gut has the message you might want to follow. I have a feeling your gut is speaking very loudly to you

[sushee]

It is not ok. Period.

The question you have to ask yourself is this: how would HE react if you were doing same with one of your guys friends?

[OceanPrincess]

...I also feel disrespected as there was conversation about our marriage (just the negative aspects of me being away from the family alot due to work) and because of my feelings towards this particular female - I really despise that he spoke to her, of all people about our issues, it's like a slap in the face....her of all effing people! He knew damn well I was 'dark' on her.

I'm ok when I'm distracted. It's when I'm not distracted it cuts like a knife.

It must cut like a knife...

TBH, the part above about talking about your marriage would probably upset me the most. I have always said to DH that if he has a problem with our relationship, please talk to me about it before anyone else. It's when you involve other people that things can get out of control.

It sounds like you handled it quite well - where to from here? How do you feel about the things he discussed about your marriage?

[Tinks]

It's not ok, he has betrayed you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[ladybird11]

I guess I've taken it pretty harshly OceanPrincess. The reason I have a second job is to help afford private school education that DH and I both want for the kids. The second job is quite physical, involves a lot of my 'spare' time rehearsing, practising etc - which obviously takes away from my time with the family. The fact that I have been running myself into the ground almost quite literally, whilst he plays the 'poor me, I'm so alone' card to this female really upsets me.

As I saw the initial PM preview, I've opened it and its quite bizarre. I couldn't read a full sentence as certain key words kept jumping out at me, boobs, speedo's, come for a visit, BRING THE KIDS!!!!! EFF, EFF, EFF! Argh, infuriates me just re-living it!

Where to from here? Well I can tell you - Fathers Day was quite awkward. Bought stuff from the kids etc, but I can tell you I was glad I was working in the morning and he was in the evening. As to what else will happen - I dunno. He has a lot of trust to regain with me now. But it'll be like a broken vase, you can glue it back together but it'll never look quite the same.

I just wanted to make sure I am not being to over the top about this...

[Heaven]

First of all, no, I don't even think flirting is ok. But what you described isn't flirting anyway, it's called planning an affair. So yeah, really really not ok. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

[misty]

Hi everyone,

I'm seeking others POV's on a 'scenario'

As the title implies - is online flirting okay in your opinion?

Would your answer change if:

- your 'other half' was doing it secretively (e.g via PM's on FB)?
- you knew the other person involved?
- it had been going on randomly over a period of 6 months or so...?

Thanks ladies, this is doing my head in!

Not OK. It is cheating IMO. I know all relationships are different, blah blah blah, but I just cann't imagine any senario where that is a healthy thing to do in a relationship.

[SunnyRain]

I'm trying really hard to "hear" you and your situation. I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if this happened to me. I would never imagine my dh doing this, as you said you never would have, either.

So it seems this is a big thing for your dh to do. Out of character for him. It is definitely something that you both need to work through immediately. Don't let it get buried because it hurts too much, because your dh needs to confront his issues that have resulted in this betrayal.

You need to approach this as peacefully as possible and don't attack him. Try, as calmly as possible, to explain to him how it made you feel to find this on your laptop. Use "I feel..." statements (not attacking "you are a bastard") as in "I feel betrayed that you spoke to so-and-so about our relationship." and "I feel sad and hurt that you were planning to meet."

I would suggest some couples counselling. This won't resolve itself without working through it carefully.

Even if he says he wasn't really going to meet her, and even if he means it, there are underlying issues that need to be sorted out.

Good luck, stay strong and don't panic. You can work through this.

[~Raven~]

Yeah not on

I wouldn't be upset about them meeting up for a playdate with the kids but the tone of the banter is what would make me a bit iffy about the whole situation

[LionsandBears]

Sorry to be black and white, but to me, this is cheating. No, it's not ok. Trust is broken. As broken trust can never be repaired, that would have me reassessing our marriage. I know the same would equal DH pulling the pin as well. Without trust and respect, then love is not enough and the whole thing is a pointless show.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds to me like he needs to grow a pair. You have both made a commitment and choices as to what is best for your family. He's just thrown that in your face. That is both immature and irresponsible. I hope you have IRL support.