Raising a one and only child chat thread.

[goddessofdawn]

Just found this thread! Haven't read all the posts, but it sounds like I'm one of the few here who have 100% decided that we will only have 1 child.

I feel a lot of pressure from society to have another - to the point that I let people think we are going to have more
They assume, and I don't correct them....

A lot of people I've spoken to say "I didn't really want another one, but I didn't want my DD/DS to be an only child"... which I think is just mind-blowing! Such a massive commitment to bring a child into the world - for me anyway, I'd have to have a better reason than that.

Having more than one also doesn't necessarily mean that they will get along, anyway... Point in case - my two older brothers who are 2 years apart, *never* speak to each other. As in, never. The last time they see each other will be at my parents' funerals, sad to say! And they've never been friends, not even when they were kids. So if my parents had had more kids for that reason alone... hmmm. Not good!

Edit: My motto is "It's good to be 3!" as in, family of 3...

[danniellabella]

Was talking to DH about getting another implanon put in before April when my current one runs out so that we don't risk it running out early and accidentally getting pregnant. He made a comment about what if I did get pregnant, it would be ok. I had a mini freak out and told him I don't want another baby! So I think I'll make an appointment to get a new implanon in the next couple of months.

[Mother Goose]

Can I join in too?

I have an almost 4 year old. My one and only. I'd love to have another baby (more than I could ever express)... but my body is not do agreeable. I injured my back last year and my GP suggested it wouldn't be a good idea to have any more children. DH and I took it on board but agreed to assess it when DD turns 5 and then TTC again. But I have further injured my back in the last few weeks and it now looks like carrying another baby is going to be practically impossible for me. So, our choice is being taken away from us.

on one hand, I can deal with just one child. DD is AWESOME! And I can give her opportunities I never had (Geez I sound like my Dad!). And spend awesome time with her.... but I can't give her the one thing she wants more than anything - to be a Big Sister. It's killing me! How do I deal with that? All bar 1 of her friends has siblings and she desperately wants one. She loves it.

Then there's the comments from others. "When are you having another?" "Oh, DD must be spoilt then" "She won't learn to share" (actually, she's better at sharing than most kids!)...

[Caramello]

I'm going to join in too.

We've been waiting so long for DS that we cannot see ourselves going through the same LTTTC journey to have number two.

AS BG said, we were stretched to the limit financially, emotionally and physically - and now it is time to move on with other aspects of our lives.

We have no other embryos is storage which means that if we wanted to go again we would have to start from scratch.

I looked at the new clinic that our IVF FS has moved to and it didn't feel like we had any future connection to the place.

The other deciding factors are: I am the major earner and we have really struggled recently while I have been on maternity leave, DH has had a major health scare, my family are quite supportive of us only having one (to the point that I actually questioned whether I should have had another ), I am getting older - I know that others have had babies at an age older than me, but I always had an age in mind to stop and its approaching fairly rapidly.

And the best reason: DH and I are so, so happy with our little boy. And he is such a wonderful little guy.

So one, I think, will be enough.

The only other thing is that it will be a major contrast to our own families. I grew up with 4 siblings, DH has 2 siblings and 3 half siblings, so raising one child will be a completely different experience.

Ironically our donor is an only child from an older mother - slightly weird that history is repeating itself in that regard...

[Livinthedream]

I love my DS dearly. But the thought of having another terrifies me LOL.
And the older he gets, the less i want another (not that I really ever wanted many or any babies anyway)
I wouldnt change a single thing, but geeze, they are hard work,and my little bloke is pretty straight forward.
At least with just 1, I know we can afford to give him pretty much anything he needs, having another would radically change our lifestyles (I would have to give up work) I think I am just too selfish for that.
I love love love it just being the 3 of us.

[butterfly_warrior]

MG, I completely understand. I don't think my body can do another baby. I just don't think I can do pregnancy again. My RA got so much worse after Sam was born (two years later it's still not under control) and if that happens again I can see me having two children and not being able to even get out of bed to care for myself, let alone them. On the other side of things, is it fair to your daughter to end up leaving yourself completely crippled and unable to do anything with her because you've given her a sibling. I may be out of line in saying that as I don't know the specifics of your condition, but it's a side of things many people don't think about. Few people understand what it is like to live with chronic pain.

I am still so completely and utterly happy to just have Sam. I just wish it were easier to close the door - but those two frozen embryos are still wedging it open. I almost wish they didn't exist!

BW

[bec293]

think I might join in here too! Wow just reading a few of the posts, and there are so many reasons for not having more than one baby, all completely valid for the persons own situation.

I've only just had my baby boy, but already I know he's going to be one and only.

I'm absolutely in love with my bub, and I feel so incredibly lucky that he has landed in my life. Even though I never planned to have a baby, and probably wouldn't have either, as the pregnancy progressed I bonded more and more with my bump and now that he is here I wouldn't have it any other way. He was a complete surprise, and for that I feel guilty that it is so hard for a lot of people to conceive whereas for me it just happened by accident out of the blue. Anyway, I have been on my own from the very start, so it's just me and my boy. An only parent and an only child. I am being realistic that there won't be any more babies for me. I'm 34 now, and I'm not looking for a relationship so by the time it (and if it does) finally happen that I meet someone, and by the time future partner and I eventually settle down together and then later decide to start trying to have a baby, who knows how old I'll be anyway, and there's no guarantee I'll feel the urge to have a baby, as I've never felt that urge before. And like I said, I'm not even looking for a partner, I am very independent and so happy being just me. And now with a little one I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find myself in the same situation as the one that brought this baby here, iykwim.

I am worried a bit about DS being an only child, especially with no male role model. I'm also worried how he'll get on socially with other kids, so I'm planning on getting him involved in lots of different things, swimming and mothers & babies group soon, and when he's older we'll go to kinder gym, dancing, team sports etc to see what he's interested in and to mix with other kids his age. I'm also concerned that he won't have any siblings to form a lifetime bond with, like I have with my sisters. He does have cousins but they are interstate, so down the track I might think about moving closer to them.

[Mother Goose]

BW - you just presented me with seeds I hadn't even planted in my mind. It hadn't occured to me about long term damage. No, that's not true. It had - I'm just in denial about it. I ALWAYS bounce back from acute periods. But I find it hard to make peace because I NEVER banked on having just one child. My injury happened after she came along... I've still not accepted that it could be permanent. I'm not prepared to go there just yet! I'm fairly stubborn. I have to see a surgeon in a little over a week to get the verdict... but thank you (and I do mean that very sincerely) for giving me something else to consider. It is something I SHOULD consider. What if I can't move at all after I have another baby? SCARY!

How do people deal with the comments from others? The negative ones about having only one child?

[butterfly_warrior]

It is scary. It's very scary to think that the pain you have now you could have forever - or worse. I feel like I should apologise for scaring you, MG, but I'm also kind of glad that you are looking at both sides of it now. I hate that you have to deal with this pain... My RA effects every joint, but there are certain ones it prefers over others. It doesn't often attack my spine, but when it does - those are the days I really struggle. Arms and legs I can usually cope with or work around. Spine - nup.

BW

[Mother Goose]

don't apologise BW! It was just something I hadn't really considered. At the moment, my focus injury wise is dealing with the acute injury, figuring out what works with the pain, figuring out what my limitations actually are, and working out just how bad it is - that's what the surgeon is for. I wish it was something like arthritis which (for me) would be more managable - I've dealt with that since I was 12.

My goodness, it just occured to me... a part of my condition is congenital. What if I have handed it on to DD? If I have more babies - they could get it too. No. I don't want that!

This parenting caper is bloody hard!

[briggsy's girl]

This parenting caper is bloody hard!

no arguments here

i have had a few times lately where i've thought "oh yeah, we could have another, it wouldnt' be that hard" and then i remember pregnancy, i remember AC, and i realise that i simply don't WANT to do that again. i love DD with all my heart, and i guess in some ways i wonder if she should have a sibling, but i have a brother who runs hot and cold (very cold at the moment) and it stresses me out no end. then there are DH's siblings - who he is estranged from and they STILL try to cause us grief - and i wonder if DD will have a more peaceful adulthood without that stress!!

i think i'll leave it up to fate - if it happens, so be it i guess. but i'm not planning it. and i doubt it will happen any time soon given pregnancy (naturally speaking) requires DTD and that just isn't happening! lol

[Caramello]

Actually I just realised that I came across my first negative 'only child' comment the other day. Someone was commenting on the fact that her boss had a child and put that child into care after 6 weeks. The comment was made that she had only had the one child because it was the fashionable thing to do on the North Shore. Hmmmm. I didn't really respond as this was a new social situation - but I wonder now how many other people will make that assumption about us once I return to work...

[Jellyfish]

DD is looking like an only child. I don't really worry about what other people think but I do worry about how it will affect her. My main concern is once myself and her Dad (we are separated) have passed on, who will she have? As it stands, there isn't really an option to bring a sibling into the picture so you just have to do the best with the hand you are dealt. To be fair, my brother and I are not real close, I don't know how much we would be in contact without my parents involvement so I'm sure she will work things out for herself; support networks don't require blood to thrive and all that. Nice to read everyone else's perspective, there are certainly positives in having only the one special little person

[goddessofdawn]

Jellyfish - I'm not an only child, but I won't "have" anyone when my parents die because I barely know my two brothers! We're like strangers when we meet - it's all very awkward.
Does your DD have any extended family? My DD has 3 cousins around the same age, plus more to come shortly

You're right, she'll work it out. I know SO many people who don't get along with their adult siblings, so they're not in contact anyway. Having a brother or sister isn't a guarantee of a close family.... I know what you mean though.

[Caramello]

See, thats what makes me really sad - my brothers, sister and I are fairly close, and we spend time with each other. DH's family are less so, but they are making a real effort at the moment to be in our lives. DS won't have this close relationship.

DS closest cousin in age is 2 years old - but most of my and DH's family have already finished their families, with the next youngest being 6. So I doubt that DS will be close to any of his cousins.

I also worry about the way in which he came into the world and how he will have noone to discuss this with - however I fully intend to join a support group so DS can meet others in a similar situation.

However, the good thing about this will be that he can choose his own family via friendship - which TBA at times in my life I have felt a lot closer to friends that are going through similar situations (eg IVF) than my family that had no issues with infertility.

[butterfly_warrior]

I was talking about only having one child with a friend of mine about a week ago.

This friend decided that her body could only do one pregnancy, that she really could only cope with one child. She has issues with chronic pain and fatigue, and I can certainly relate on those issues!

She said that she was at first relieved that she only had one as her daughter wouldn't have siblings to fight with so therefore it would be a much more peaceful house. But as her daughter got older, she found that she would fight with her mother instead of siblings - so it was in reality a far from peaceful household.

But their relationship improved when the daughter left home. Like many mothers and daughters it's a really bad idea to share a house, but once there's a bit of space they can have a fantastic relationship.

Said daughter has no married into a Polish family. The matriarchal dominance and desire to control everything in European families is really quite unbelievable unless you have seen it... But as my friend's daughter has grown up fighting with her own mother, she's quite comfortable in telling her mother in law where to go now. It's a round a bout kind of story, but there was a big advantage to my friend in being an only child - it has equipped her most appropriately for dealing with her inlaws. On the other hand, I grew up with a sister and a controlling European mother of my own... I can fight with both of them. I can stand up to both of them. I get along so much better with both of them now that I live 200km away... but my mother in law - forget it.

BW

[briggsy's girl]

yes, but your MIL is rather ummmmmm ok, won't go there! i can't even find a polite word for her! your inability to face confrontation is NOT about you - it's about her for sure! she's just..... i shall refrain from using the words i'm thinking BW!

Synchronicity - i am the youngest of the cousins on Dad's side, and second youngest of them on Mum's - then comes my brother, and then there is an age gap of at least another five years. when i was in my early teens, my cousins were having their own kids (the eldest now nudging 17) - stupid thing is, once we were all adults, those years didn't mean anything. i get along with them all fine. it didn't matter that i was heaps younger and they had kids when i didn't. they are my cousins. like the age gap between you and I, or between DH and I - the age is only a number. it's more about the relationship you develop with them over time. and i'll be honest - most of that relationship i have with my cousins was developed in adulthood when i was old enough to make the effort myself. i'm pretty much in the middle, age wise, of my cousins older cousins and their kids, and i get along with both generations - so it's actually an advantage for me!

i am working hard to ensure that, no matter what the relationship between myself and my brother may or may not be, his kids have access to DD and will be able to develop a relationship with her so that she isn't "alone" if something happens to us. but, as others have mentioned, those i am closest to in my life are, in general, relationships built on anything but blood. and i will help to encourage DD to develop strong friendships and support networks as she grows older

[Malyna]

DS is only ever going to be an only child. I'm 40 and while I probably physically could have another child, I can't mentally cope with another child. He doesn't have any close kids and I struggle to make friends at playgroup etc, although he does got to the gym creche.

MIL and DH hint at having another baby, but I know I can't cope with another one. Bit tired of people saying that I shoudl have another child because of some perceived social requirements to have 2+kids.