Step-parenting Advice

[ricoandquesa]

Hi there,

I just wanted to get some opinions on the following few things that have been really annoying me, or am I just being paraniod and jealous.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and I have know my DSS for 2 1/2 years who is now 6 1/2 YO. My DP lets his DS call his aunty mummy. When I first heard this I thought it was weird and went along with it. I didn't approve of it and I let DP know it as well. My DP told me that because his sister was "like a mum" to DS from the ages of 2-4 that it was ok for DS to call his aunty mummy. DP told me thats how it was and would stay that way. Knowing how my DP still feels about his ex wife I dont think that his intentions are 100%. MIL loathes the ex-wife so she freely refers to DSS's aunty as his mummy, which I havn't heard in awhile. While aunty made the comment once that she was embarased at a family/friends BBQ that DSS was calling her mummy and other people where asking her why.

It had been bothering me and I spoke to my mum about it and her opinon was that it wasn't a good thing and you only have one mother and thats is who you call mum. When she told me this it even bothered me more. My mum also advised me that not to talk about it too much with DSS or push the topic too much with DSS, and that in time he will realise who is who.

I have spoken to DSS about this once only and I had asked him why he calls his aunty mummy. He tells me thats because he has 2 mummies, but I dont think he understands. I let him know that everyone only has one mum. One year down the track he has now asked me twice if he could call me mummy. I was happy that he asked me this but I said to him that he only one mummy and he could call me his step-mum. After that I felt sad for my DSS.

I go through stages when this bothers alot and I do vent this to DP. I dont think I could say anything in a family situation when DSS does this as I am worried about what other family members will think/say. After thinking about what I have written above I think it comes down to some jealousy on my behalf. What does everyone else think? Should I speak to DSS aunty about it? Am I just being to pedantic and paranoid?

Hopefully I can find some comfort in your replies/suggestions? Thank you.

[hannanat]

Ok, don't shoot me but I think you should leave it. That's your DP's son and I think if he makes a decision regarding his son than nobody should come between that as long as its not harmful. What does your DSS mum think about it? As long as it's not causing any friction or problems for the little boy, what harm is it doing? If it's causing problems with DSS mum, then they should really work it out, but otherwise it's not hurting anyone. He's lucky to have so many people caring for him

[~Jo~]

Is your DSS seeing his birth mum? What does he call her if not mummy? A child has a strong desire to fit in and be like other kids his age..most will have a mum so its natural for him to want to do this. It must be terribly confusing for the little man to be calling his aunty mummy but if he lives with you surely it would be a natural progression to call you Mum after so long???

Jo

[hannanat]

Jo I love your ticker!

[~Jo~]

Awwww me? Thanks Nat....and look at little Zain..31/2 months already...time flies!

Jo

[ricoandquesa]

Thank you all for your replies. It is a long story and there is some more background to the whole siuation (I didn't want to write too much before). I just want to do the best thing for DSS and I find that DP judgement can be a little clouded by his ex-wife and what happended between them and being a man he does a great job at being a dad but at the same time he is not very maternal and nuturing. It has taken me awhile to bond and be maternal with DSS but its not the same which makes me sad sometimes.

My DP must have been with his ex-wife for around 1 year after DSS was born then they spilt. After court case finished DP only received visitation while ex-wife had full custody. DP moved in with his sister and husband for around 3 years. Then DP and I moved in together until now which has been 2 1/2years. DSS lives with his mum and lives with us every 2nd weekend, sometimes visits on Tuesday nights, and has a week in school holidays. DSS calls his birth mother mum.

I have told DP clearly what I think about the whole situation and when it upsets me he lets me vent my frustrations at him. He wont say anything back to me, which is what we agreed to do, because once I have had a winge I feel better.

We found out that he also calls his grandpa dad and I know that my DP does not like that. DSS does that possibly because his little sister's father is not in the picture at all and calls the grandpa dad. I had pointed out a similar siuation to DP once when we wehre discussing the whole thing. I asked him how he would feel if DSS called the ex-wife's new partner dad or how he calls grandpa dad, at least it kept DP thinking about it.

When DP, DSS and I have been on outings together, often a stranger will say to DSS a comment like "Go and ask your mum 1st" or "are you having fun with your mum", and DSS pipes up "thats not my mum". That kind of hurts me a little bit.

When he does talk about his aunty around DP and I DSS will call her aunty, but when we are in a family siuation and he is trying to get her attention he will call out mummy. Although I did notice on Friday night DSS call his aunty by her 1st name. The sister will not say anything to DSS about calling her mummy. DSS made the comment to DP the other day that aunty had asked DSS to call her mummy. DSS then asked DP if he had two mummies and he had agreed.

I thought about the step-mum thing and it just sounds weird. He calls me by my name which is fine by me. It broke my heart when he asked me if he could call me mummy to me that meant that he thinks alot of me.

I am interested to know what DSS birth thinks of this as now she has a new partner and I am curious to see if DSS calls him dad. It is all very confusing its like poor DSS has to remember one thing at mums house and then another at dads house and then he cant speak of either. I should have asked her last night as DSS had his end of year school concert and I has a few moments with her. Anyway there will be another time and I might ask her if DSS has been asking why his has 2 mums. What is it going to be like when DP and I have our own child (fingers crossed for next year)? Our child will be calling me mum and DSS by my name, how does that effect our family?

Maybe it is just best to let it sought itself out and he will realise who is who in due course. I believe DSS knows who is who and yes DSS is trying to fit in as the whole situation is frustrating for him. I think that it might be a bit of a habit for him as well. Unless I have the courage to say to the sister for her to remind DSS to call her aunty they I will not say anything and let things run their own course. What do you think if I said to DSS that he can call me mum instead of calling his aunty mum? I think I would feel a bit guilty and manipulative about that and I am not really sure if I feel comfortable about DSS calling me mum.

[kelly2202]

My situation is a little different in that my kids are older and understand the fact that they have 2 dads and now 2 mums.

Our child will be calling me mum and DSS by my name, how does that effect our family?

It affects your family how you let it affect your family. If you explain to your DSS the reason behind it then it will be fine.

Emma calls Ryan Dad all of the time and Jack has days where he calls him Dad and when he calls him Ryan. Whenever Jack talks about Ryan to his friends he says Dad though and well he has been living with Ryan since he was 2 1/2 and is now 8!!! Both my kdis have regular contact with their Dad and it took a while for him to get used to the fact that they call Ryan Dad ... I remember one time when XH told Jack that he was his Dad and no one else ... I went MENTAL!!!! Told him to mind his own business and that if Jack wanted to call Ryan Dad then he could do so. SInce then we have had no issues! Once Asha arrived, the kids got into the habit of calling Ryan Dad all the time ... it has worked well ... Asha has shown no confusion as yet about the situation. She understands that "Emma and Jack are at their Dad's house and that my Daddy lives in my house" ...

My 2 DSD's call me Kelly ... I have only ever met them once so I am happy with this ... as long as they don't ever call me Step Mum ... I think I would rather shoot myself than allow that to happen!!! All Step-Mums are wicked Sian and Bree call thier Step-Dad "Dad" and while it does hurt, Ryan completely understands ... as they have 3 borthers and sisters to consider too.

What do you think if I said to DSS that he can call me mum instead of calling his aunty mum? I think I would feel a bit guilty and manipulative about that and I am not really sure if I feel comfortable about DSS calling me mum.

If you are not comfortable with it then don't push the issue, once you have kids it may just take it's own course anyway and you may find that your DSS will start to call you Mum. The one thing I will say is that I agree that you should stop saying telling him taht he only has one Mum ... that may cause you big problems later on!!! If you are going to be part of his life then you are his Mum ... not his biological Mum but another Mum who can act as a support person and someone to talk to.

Good luck ... it is certainly not easy being a step parent and sometimes I forget how difficult it is for Ryan and I know that at times I don't make it easy for him either ... but it is a work in progress!

Cheers

[nikbrad]

It's really hard - I was from a divorced family and it wasn't until I was older that I started calling my stepdad Dad. To all my friends etc he was my Dad and whenever I wrote in cards etc it was always Dad but I just found it hard to call him Dad. This was mainly due to a conversation I had with my older sister when I was about 6 - i remember it clear as day. She said to me that she could never call our stepdad Dad and I just answered 'me either'. In hindsight I was just a little kid who was following my big sister. My sister never got on with my 'Dad' until she turned 20 so there lays the problem for her. For me he was always my Dad (my real Dad didn't see us much or have much contact) and when I turned 18 I legally changed my name to his. I didn't tell him I was doing it I just gave him the paperwork when it arrived. My sister who is 40 recently changed her name to take his surname and faxed the paperwork to him as a suprise. He has never been so honoured. I guess what I'm trying to say is for all different reasons kids feel the need to call people in their lives mum or dad. To me my 'Dad' was the one who taught me lifes lessons, supported me and paid for my schooling and was always there for me so he is my Dad. He walked me down the aisle and is the one and only true dad I will ever have. I'm still in contact with my partenal (is that right?) dad and we get along no problems but my stepdad will always be my Dad. It's amazing how many people don't know he's my stepdad and comment on how alike I and our daughter is to him. For some people for their step children to ask to call them mum or dad is one of the happiest moments of their lives - it brings closeness and family unity however you need to really want to be called mum by your DSS for it to really mean something. There are no answers in my woffle but I hope this helps you see it from a step childs side. Goodluck.