You're DH really needs to deal with it. They are his family after all. Until it is dealt with though, I would be refusing to leave your child with the IL's.
I am so angry I actually haven't been able to answer the phone when she calls....
DH says he is going to deal with it as it is the first time he has actually been as furious as I am over their actions.....
There is already tension as we won't go to their place and see them (they live in a shed with no heating) and I know that this is going to make it worse.
You know hun, it really doesn't matter whether you were being melodramatic, or overprotective, or anything else - you are his mum and people need to respect the parent's decisions whether they agree with them or not. It is NOT ok for anyone to blatantly disregard you. Your PIL had their turn at parenting and now it's your turn.
Your DH needs to be very firm with his mum, and let her know that if your trust is breached again there will be no more unsupervised visits - ever. This is the sort of thing that will escalate if you let it go - the lemonade behind your back etc as a PP said. Put your foot down now and stick to it - and yes, it's best coming from your DH. They are more likely to respect what he says.
maybe there needs to be a big blow up so everyone can move on kwim? Get absolutely everything out in the open so everyone knows exactly where they stand with each other. She clearly shows you no respect and that wont change at all unless you stand up to her - your DH really needs to talk to her too, to show that yep, she's his mum but you are his wife and the mother of his child and he supports you 100% and your needs come before hers now that he is an adult with a family of his own. Her attitude at the wedding was absolutely disgraceful and purely so she could bignote herself when the entire family was watching and to do that to you and make you look like a numpty is unforgivable IMO because she will do it every time you all get together.
Trill - I completely agree.
DH reckons it's like her and FIL are saying - we've raised 4 kids - we know how to do it and we are going to MAKE you see that our way is good!
Families are too much hard work sometimes aren't they? I think your DH is right, what they did with their kids worked perfectly fine for them, so they can't see that anyone who does things a bit different is also right. I hope it is all resolved soon for you for Blue's sake so he doesn't have to grow up watching his grandmother constantly undermine his mum.
Just before my post is read, I understand the il issues, and I am not supporting your il's even if that is the way it comes across. I am at the stage that I refuse to stay with mine next time we go to NZ due to MIL undermining me..
I agree that your DH needs to discuss with them why you are both upset and angry at the way they acted with your DS in their care. But getting really worked up over the past isn't going to get you anywhere. It is going to look like you and DH are holding grudges and are making things difficult (totally ignore if you are happy to start ww3 though).
Maybe when DH talks to them, he needs to explain that after some events of the past, not just the wedding (I have read some of your other posts) they need to regain your trust before you will leave your DS in their care again (even for an hour or 2). This can be done at social gatherings where you are there and can easily intervene if they are doing something you don't like.. Also the things they do that you have mentioned that really irritate you, let them know what you would have preferred (and make sure the option is always there). IF they are forever re-occuring, have a list for them. And tell them that until they prove they can look after him your way, they can't look after him.
e.g - you can't hold him for a moment = put him the pram beside you instead of passing him to others.
instead of giving him a spoon to play with = there are plenty of teethers in his bag.
he is sick = you don't want to infect other people, so no kissing of anyone..
Regardless of them bringing up 4 kids (including special needs), this is your son, your way. If they don't like it, then it is their problem. You are not obliged to give them time with your son. As I have said with my DH, my parents are no saints and we do things different to what they did, but they try to do things our way. I have had similar arguements with my own mum, not just MIL.
Not sure how they will work in your situation, but I have had to go back to the basics and spell everything out with my MIL. I have DH's support with it but he can get a bit soft, it is his mother after all. I am scared sh*tless about being in hospital for 3 or 4 nights when I have this baby and DD will be with my IL's a fair bit in that time.. My only saving thought is that if they let her do things out of routine, I won't be there at night to pick up the pieces, they have to do it.
Last edited by Doing my best; July 28th, 2009 at 10:37 AM.
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I think your DH is right, what they did with their kids worked perfectly fine for them, so they can't see that anyone who does things a bit different is also right. I hope it is all resolved soon for you for Blue's sake so he doesn't have to grow up watching his grandmother constantly undermine his mum.
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