Is there a way we can resolve this without world war 3?*long*
So last weekend was SIL's wedding.
DH and I were both a part of the bridal party and DS was there too.
It was always agreed that MIL would watch DS when DH or I were unable to because of duties.
I originally wanted DS Godmum who lives nearby to come over for the day and be the primary carer as she actuall listens to our wishes but MIL cracked it big time
Anyways....A few days before the wedding DS caught bronchialitis and was put on anti's...Doc told us to keep him away from crowds as he will be suscepitble to catching viral infections....
Now we have a problem with MIL treating DS like a pass the parcel at the best of times so both DH and I explained to her that she is not to allow others to hold him unless absolutely necessary
So we were panicking when we were off having pics taken for 2 hours but when we got to the reception and were about to eat I told MIL that if she needs to have a break to give DS straight to me as he is due for a feed anyways....
So imagine my suprise when I look up and see the waiting staff passing my son between them....
I sat there in shock and looked down the bridal table to see DH with the same reaction.
The final straw was when one of them went to walk out of teh reception room with DS - both DH and I sprung out of our chairs and went and grabbed him.
There were lots of snide comments from BIL and SIL about us not wanting to share our child (as far as I am concerned when you are drunk and 4 months pregnant you have no right to even talk to me about parenting!!!!!)
We had to give DS back to MIL - this time I look up and he is sucking on someones face and I have absolutely no idea who they are
Then we look over and MIL has given DS a desert spoon to chew on.....I asked her to be careful in case he falls forward on it...(not to mention that it migh have pav on it )
She gave me a withering look and told me she has a special needs child and 3 other children she can deal with this .... guess what happened. Ds fell forward on the spoon.
DH and I are both furious....it's like they are determined to undermine our wishes.
I have explained to DH that he needs to address this now as my talking to MIL clearly does nothing.
I even told her that DS would end up in hospital if he caught anything ....but she either doesn't care or thinks I am being melodramatic....
I would have gone off my rocker then and there but being a wedding couldn't really.
I don't want to cause a big family rift but at the end of the day she is purposely ignoring our wishes and putting DS at risk....
WW3!!! Bring it on.
I was always tip-toeing around my Ils trying not to offend them until the day that they went ahead and organised yasin's birthday party without asking me first.
I rang up and told them that there was no way in hell I was going. MIL chucked a wobbley and turned on the waterworks and I hung up on her.
I still can't stand her but since then she's not been quite so quick to interfere.
I think I'd have probably quietly left at the first infraction, or I'd have maybe not even gone at all.
You can't change the way other people behave, you can only set your own boundaries. You don't *have* to give the baby to anyone - if it mucks up plans such as photos, then it is down to your MIL, not you. And if you aren't willing to wear the fallout from your decisions to set boundaries, then that becomes an issue with you, not your ILs. (I mean that nicer than it sounds! I have similar issues with my very well meaning but sometimes quite misguided ILs.)
You've used the banging your head against a brick wall smiley - I've always had the motto that at some point, banging your head against a brick wall becomes self abuse
Ahhh! That is SO frustrating . What is it about in-laws? We battled for a long time with MIL about feeding DS1 lollies and lemonade as a baby then toddler. She would actually do it behind our backs. What did we do? To this day she has NEVER babysat our kids, DS1 is nearly 5!
We don't care if she is offended, if she can't respect our wishes (she has been told NUMEROUS times) then she can't be trusted to look after our kids.
I don't know Dee, maybe just bring up your concerns if she wants to look after your DS again?
I'd her in no uncertain terms if she doesn't give crap about his health, and puts him in danger, she isn't welcome near him, and what a disgraceful grandparent she is.
let her know that him catching an infection could of been extremely serious, and she put him in a lot of danger. I would even end it with "how could you be so uncaring towards a little boy, your own grandson???"
But I am known to be very protective of my kids, and wouldn't stand for this.... so my advise might be a little over the top for some.....
You're DH really needs to deal with it. They are his family after all. Until it is dealt with though, I would be refusing to leave your child with the IL's.
I am so angry I actually haven't been able to answer the phone when she calls....
DH says he is going to deal with it as it is the first time he has actually been as furious as I am over their actions.....
There is already tension as we won't go to their place and see them (they live in a shed with no heating) and I know that this is going to make it worse.
You know hun, it really doesn't matter whether you were being melodramatic, or overprotective, or anything else - you are his mum and people need to respect the parent's decisions whether they agree with them or not. It is NOT ok for anyone to blatantly disregard you. Your PIL had their turn at parenting and now it's your turn.
Your DH needs to be very firm with his mum, and let her know that if your trust is breached again there will be no more unsupervised visits - ever. This is the sort of thing that will escalate if you let it go - the lemonade behind your back etc as a PP said. Put your foot down now and stick to it - and yes, it's best coming from your DH. They are more likely to respect what he says.
maybe there needs to be a big blow up so everyone can move on kwim? Get absolutely everything out in the open so everyone knows exactly where they stand with each other. She clearly shows you no respect and that wont change at all unless you stand up to her - your DH really needs to talk to her too, to show that yep, she's his mum but you are his wife and the mother of his child and he supports you 100% and your needs come before hers now that he is an adult with a family of his own. Her attitude at the wedding was absolutely disgraceful and purely so she could bignote herself when the entire family was watching and to do that to you and make you look like a numpty is unforgivable IMO because she will do it every time you all get together.
Trill - I completely agree.
DH reckons it's like her and FIL are saying - we've raised 4 kids - we know how to do it and we are going to MAKE you see that our way is good!
I don't think you should go in there with the mindset of world war 3 but if it happens so be it kwim. People need to learn to respect your wishes. Your his MOTHER I would of walked out, wedding or not. That is just completely unacceptable. I feel so angry for you.
KL - I don't want WW3 but it just seems everytime we have issues with them it's MY fault. Even if I'm not the one with the issue they all look at me like I'm the one who instigated it all
I wanted to walk out and as it was we left very soon after the cutting of the cake and first dance.
I just really feel that without a big blow up they are not going to pay any attention to what we have to say IYKWIM?
Sometimes with family (mine anyway) you just can't talk about it.
You can explain until your blue in the face then they just go and do what they like when your back is turned.
What do I do?
Avoid, aviod, avoid!!
WW3 just isn't worth it in the long run.
Just limit your contact and avoid them as much as humanly possible!!
I also moved 1500km between each side of the family
I wouldnt approach it from the side of if you dont do ABC you wont get to see your grandson, do it the other way - it is so important for him to have you in his life and we want him to spend time with you - you need to be consistent with our parenting wishes etc...
It is important to have these people in your lives - even if nothing else but to give you a break occasionally - it is something I never get and would value very highly, and yes sometimes it does take a bit of compromise - but not to the point of endangering a bubs health of course..
LaDeeDah Oh I'm so angry for you!!! When reading your post i gasped so loud especially about your ds falling on the spoon that my dh came in asking what was wrong!! eeks... Just want to say I'm glad your DH is going to try to talk some sense into them...
Toomany- two thumbs up for such an eloquent opinion! I thought that too but would never have been able to verbalise it the way you did.
And I like how heather has suggested you give them options, that way it doesn't sound like it's your way or the highway (though it shouldn't matter cause you're MUM but it comes across better to the IL's)
Let us know how it goes! I'll be thinking about you for the rest of the day now!
I'd probably get your DH to give them a call and ask them some "why" questions eg. we enjoyed the wedding but were wondering why you gave DS to the waiting staff when we'd asked you not to?
They'll probably dig themselves a hole, DH can keep saying, "yes, but WHY did you do it when we'd asked you not to?"
Then I'd get him to end the conversation with "well, if you're just going to ignore us when we tell you what the doctor's told us is best for DS then I'm sorry but you can't look after him any more."
I think start off with some why questions though. Otherwise the alternative is just to tell them off without even attempting to hear their side of the story which never ends well.
I don't think what I've suggested will necessarily prevent World War 3, just gives you a United Nations resolution to go ahead with it IYKWIM.
Is there a way we can resolve this without world war 3?*long*
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. What is it about in-laws? We battled for a long time with MIL about feeding DS1 lollies and lemonade as a baby then toddler. She would actually do it behind our backs. What did we do? To this day she has NEVER babysat our kids, DS1 is nearly 5!
so my advise might be a little over the top for some..... 
- it is something I never get and would value very highly, and yes sometimes it does take a bit of compromise - but not to the point of endangering a bubs health of course..
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