Parents in law driving me up the wall!!

[peachy]

Hi everyone,

I just thought I'd see if I am over reacting or crazy or something. Firstly, DH & I both come from split families so technically we have 4 different families. DS is the first grandson!! YAY!! - NOT! We used to see the parents in law maybe every 4 weeks or more..with it gradually increasing as the pregnancy progressed. Now it's pretty much every weekend. I love DHs family very much but find them totally overwhelming. In the last 19 weeks we have had 2 family free weekends - one because we had a friend visiting and the other as DH was sick. DH & I are very much homebodies and love our alone time with ourselves. My family out of all those weekends we have seen maybe 4 times. The rest is DHs family. Even ones we only saw at birthdays are now turning up.

I guess the problems first arose when I said that we'll tell everyone when we were in labour but I let them all know that I didn't want anyone there until I had done the birth thing, done the first feed and cleaned myself up. Well after being pestered everday (I was 10 days overdue) it was finally the day. The MIL and Nan turned up at 8am (We had gotten to the hospital at 3.30am). They waited all day and kept asking DH - what's happening. It shouldn't be taking this long..No ****!! Anyways, everything turned bad and I had to have an emergency c-section. The MIL and nan got to touch DS before me..This was the start of the dramas. Lucky when I got out of recovery visiting hours where over and I was alone with my boys. The next morning, everyone rocked up first thing and I hadn't even had a shower. I was still in my gown, no undies and so swollen I couldn't walk (and a catheter still in)..I was definitely feeling my best. Then since then DHs family just turn up and want to see DS all the time. They fight over who is going to hold and him and walk around with him non stop and don't let the little fella just chill. I just sit back and watch (as they don't seem to talk to me much as I'm only James mum now). When I say that its bedtime - they say that he can sleep next to the dinner table while we eat. When I wrap him - they say that it's too hot (even though he will not sleep without being wrapped). They say that I should be sleeping him on his side as he's getting a flat head and the best one yet - he needs a haircut (Yes - he's a baldy). It's just insane. They always wave toys in front of DS face - constantly.

I cringe when the phone rings now. I get almost sick to the stomach when I have to go to their houses and then I don't say much as they don't listen anyways. The MIL is thinking about do renovations so DS has a place to play. Is she serious? She has a 3 bedroom house where she lives alone. They all keep saying that we'll have to go out so they can babysit. DH & I don't go out. We didn't before DS. Now if we wanted to go out we'd probably take him. I not afraid to continue on with a normal life and include DS. That is my life now with him in it and I love it. Anyways, the other day the DHs dad and wife said - Over christmas we have holidays so we'll take James for a whole day. We get up early like 5am so it's ok. Alarm bells rang....Hello - have they heard of actually asking and are they serious - taking a 4 month old overnight when it is not necessary. Oh forget it!! I said that they couldn't have him overnight as I was not ready and it's too long a time for him. I haven't been away from him since the day he was born. I'm just getting use to him going into the creche at the gym for a 1 hour here and there. They also said that they had enquired into swimming lessons for him. This is without saying one word to me. I am going to teach him to swim. No I am just sick to the stomach. The more they do this to me the more I withdraw. I haven spoken to DH and he said that I am over reacting and that I need to let other people love DS too. I'm ok with that. It's great that he has so many people around him that love him but they don't need to force me to hand him over to love him. It's great that they are there when we need them but I don't want to do things that I am not ready to do. When I am around them I feel like I am not allowed to touch my own baby. I go to put him to bed - then they say that they will do it. I am the only one that can put him down as I am the only one who can wrap him so he can't bust out.

I just don't know why I'm feeling like this. I don't know if it's me or them. I love being a mum so much but I regret sometimes that DS is the first grandkid. Am I being unfair towards DHs parents?? I really want honest opinions. My family have been so good. They have been given me space and because of that they know James more even though they don't see him as much (they both are very busy people!!). I talk to them all the time. When they visit - they visit me. And they say that James is a bonus! What am I to do? I don't want this to drive a wedge between DH and me. It's ridiculous that one baby could have this effect and throw my life into such a turmoil. I would love to just move somewhere into the bush where noone can find us (that's with DH and DS or course!!)..Please help..I want to see if others have this problem with 'in your face kind of people'.

Thanks

[~Raven~]

Um yep kind of with my MIL

They also said that they had enquired into swimming lessons for him. This is without saying one word to me.

Mine enrolled Mason in swimming and gymbaroo. I took up the swimming but told her I thought gymbaroo was a crock (I don't really think it is but I said so to spite her lol). She tried the gymbaroo one a few times too but I kept not turning up.

I don't blame you for feeling smothered! While it's wonderful they are enthusiastic there comes a point where it is too much. Hopefully there will be another little addition to the family so the focus will be off him. I know I breathed a sigh of relief when my SIL announced her first PG

[SugarDust]

I would tell them all to back off a bit!

While it is nice to have ppl willing to do things it is a mothers instinct to want to look after her offspring!

[Lulu]

Ach! Get them one of those 'baby think it over' things that they use in US high schools for Xmas...maybe they will leave you alone!

[Astrid]

First of all dealing with new grandparents is such a hard one. I had so many issues with MIL once my first was born and still have the odd issue. I think what happens is that we have it in our head how we want things to be and they have their grandparent fantasies in their head. Of course reality is often very different. It can be so overwhelming I think for both parties, but I think especially the mum dealing with being a mum for the first time.

I think they are overstepping their boundaries, they should always ask rather than assume with anything to do with your family, not just your DS. I think it is really your DH's place to say something, but if he is not willing to do so then you might. May something like "Look we are very private people and whilst we understand your excitement at becoming grandparents, we are finding it a bit overwhelming. Would you mind asking first before organising something etc and please respect us when we say no" Now it would be good to "offer" them something to make them feel special, like help organise a birthday party, or can they come and hold him whilst you get something frivolous done around the house. I got my MIL on side by getting her to knit a heap clothes for the girls, it helped keep her occupied and I like knitted jumpers. So win win!

Initially MIL was overly involved, she had come over to help after DD1 was born. I had an emergency c-section and was having feeding troubles. I found her so overwhelming, she just hovered the whole time. In the end it took me yelling and swearing at her. DH was just useless and I still have not forgiven him for that time. We managed to work things out, nothing was fully discussed, but we just took baby steps. She still interferes and many times I still want to throttle her, but she does love the girls. I am so glad that she does live in another state, even though sometimes for the girls I so wish she was here. As the kids get older it is so much easier to let grandparents have a greater involvement.

[tk1999]

I can't be much help as I am not in the same situation (no kids) but this is my biggest fear for when I do (if I have luck with the getting the elusive BFP)... I would say that they are overstepping the mark and you are NOT overreacting... something needs to be said to them but if they are like my DPs family they won't likely listen anyway and somehow turn it into my issue (ie not coping etc)...

Hope you get some more helpful advice from another BB poster - ETA: and you did whilst I was still writing my post he he he

[Nelle]

The fact is, your ds is YOUR son. He is not THEIR son. You are his guardian, responsible for him, and everything that happens in his life should be run by you.

If you need your dh to understand, maybe try talking on his level - what if your parents started organising car services on his behalf, or just took his power tools out for the day to give him a break? Obviously, they're HIS, and they would need his permission, or to check with him first.

Perhaps fill your diary in with things. Even if you have a scheduled weekend to yourself, so that you can say, no sorry, we've already got plans for that weekend. Call it 'marriage time' or 'family time'. And then book in a weekend for them, say once a month (or whatever suits you), and then when they say hey let's do this, perhaps you can say well, not this weekend, but we'll see you in a fortnight!

Wishing you well, it's tricky ground to navigate hey.

[peachy]

Thanks everyone for their thoughts. I really started to think that maybe I had the problem but my mother instincts were right. I guess that I will have to take each day as it comes and when something comes up that I'm not a fan of then I will need to step up and say something. I'm one of those people that hates conflict and I tend just to go along with things because it's easy. Even if it means that I'm not entirely happy. The older I have gotten the better I am becoming but I sort of feel that DH should stand up for me but I think that I may be on my own there. His point of view is 'Sweet - someone else is looking after hime..no dramas.' He knows they are in good hands. But the thing is - is that I enjoy looking after DS. I'm sure (almost positive) that there will be times where I WILL want people to take him off my hands - but not at the moment. I'm doing good!

At least I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

TK1999 - lol you sound like me!! It is my issue...I'm sure his family is going to think I'm nuts!! oh well...

[tk1999]

Lol... as I say we do not have children as yet but DPs family tell me what they are going to do with them once they are here (um I am not even pg as yet I might add!!), they are going to go to school swimming carnivals and school sport and this and that and arrrrggghhh...

We are facing a slight uphill battle TTC and I am facing this all pre-conception! I hope everything works out for you Peachy... your mum instinct is always right!

[Heaven]

No way you're overreacting, I would be so peeved!!
Maybe you could let your DH read your initial post?? You articulated yourself well and maybe it would help him to understand??

[nic]

Hi Peachy,You've got great advicie here, and I don't think I will actually add anything new, I thought I would post and say I feel for you.

My DD was an emergency c/s. she was born 2 hours from home, and the IL's were already in town waiting for us to announce her arrival. I took a little bit to come round after the GA, and made it back to the room around 6-7am. I was groggy as, and when visiting hours started at 11am, they were all there. All 8 of them, crowded around DD, DH's grandma, didn't even speak to me, and I could barely string a sentence together. The were forever telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing, or saying 'she doesn't like that or she likes this" drove me mental!
DH's grandma was bad, she called one day and invited herself to stay. I cried when i got off the phone and then had to explain to DH why.

With my pregnancy with DS, DH was much more understanding. He was finally in a place where he could see what they were doing and I wasn't genuinely attacking them for the hell of it. It took 8 years, and us doing IVF (which I believe helped us communicate better and he saw how his family reacted to it all and to us) but he was finally able to understand what it was like for me.
He told me that he wanted to cry, because he just didn't know. He didn't know the midwife was going to put DD in SCN if the IL's unwrapped her, as her temp was low. He didn't know I saw them unwrapping her, but I just couldn't get the words out to wrap her back up.

With DS, we set up ground rules. No one was allowed to visit the day DS was born. We would let them know when they could come to visit on day 2. I don't think they liked it, but I didn't care.

I don't like confrontation either. But if you are finding it a problem now, you just might have to say something, regardless of whether or not you have your DH's support.
We joke about moving to the other side of Australia to get away from DH's family, then I tell DH the problem with moving away so far is when they visit they will be there for longer LOL

Hope you work something out

Nic

[peachy]

I feel much better now. At least I'm not craaazy~! Next baby when it's time - I've already said to DH that I'm not telling them when I'm due. I said I'm going to make up a date which is after my due date..That way at least they won't hassle me leading up to the day and they won't be able to turn up on the day...I'll fix them..hahaha (isn't terrible to think we have to do those things??)

So thank you girls. I appreciate all your comments..I'm off to cringe and procrastinate over this weekend. Fingers crossed that we don't see anyone this weekend..we have so much to do around the house before christmas day!!

tk1999 - I feel for you already seeing that you haven't conceived yet and it's already happening to you. It wasn't so bad while I was PG but they kept telling me what I need and what I don't need. I kept telling them that I don't want all this stuff and if I find out that I do need it - then the shops are like 5 min up the road - no biggie! Just never thought it would be like this now at all. It's a real shame that DH only sister lives in QLD - when she adds a grandkid to the family..she's going to be away from it all.

[Emma1979]

hey there
these are all normal feelings so don't think you are being selfish or ungrateful at their enthusiasm... i can remember people saying that my MIL was waiting for us to go out for the evening so she could babysit DD, and this was at SIX WEEKS!! i was in such a poor physical and emotional state for months after the arrival of my girl that it really stressed me out having people impatiently waiting to babysit her... she is now approaching two and still my MIL has never had her overnight... she rubbed me up the wrong way early on and it made me COMPLETLEY back away, and now as time has passed my dd is just way more comfy with my parents when it comes time for sleep overs etc...

anyways i just wanted to say, in relation to them always holding him or putting him to bed etc etc, please please please don't be afraid to say 'i'm going to take him and get him settled for bed now' or 'he wants his mummy' or 'time to hand him back' all with a gentle smile on your face.... he's your bubba and when its your first for some reason you lack the confidence and somehow well meaning relatives seem to take over, against your will... you've got to get more vocal as i bet a million dollars they don't realise how it makes you feel... there is nothing wrong with gently saying its time for him to return to his mummy etc.....

in regards to babysitting i would just smile and say 'no way am i ready to be away from him yet, i'll get back to you when he's 2!!'.... i think as long as you appear light hearted and gentle there are ways to subtley give them the hint that they'll be waiting a while... also if you are breast feeding this is an excellent excuse for not handing him over for babysitting...

id be claiming my weekends back too... be creative and think of some reasons to be at home... can you join a mothers group and then say you have plans to catch up with them (even when you don't)... can you say you're tired and just want some quiet time with your bubs?

start with baby steps in regards to gently asserting yourself and then work up... don't be afraid to say you're not up to visiting or just not feeling like it, you are a new mum and have the right to be tired and not in the mood for visits etc...

ps next time i have a little one i'm making a sign for the front door each time i don't want anyone visiting... as simple and rude as that!!

[Glamourcide]

Ugh, in-laws and parents in general.
I always loved my MiL, she was always extremely caring, considerate and ensured she wasn't intruding on anybody's territory. It was FiL who was the problem. He's the inconsiderate b**tard who insisted on being in the birthing suite with us during my labour (we ended up getting around it by just not calling them until DD was born and I was safely back in the ward), invited a bunch of complete strangers (his and MiL's friends, not mine) up to the hospital to hold and play with 6-hour-old DD (when I had specifically asked the nurses on the desk not to allow visitors apart from IMMEDIATE family, meaning DH and my parents for a while because I was trying to establish feeding and didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of people), and was generally noisy, obnoxious and hogged the baby the whole time I was in hospital...
It didn't get any better after we went home, he was always calling demanding that we come around for 'family dinner' on our precious weekends (DH works 10-hour days 6 days a week so we cherish every bit of time we have together alone), and calling during the day when he knew full well that DH was at work, and sit there talking nonsense for up to three hours because he doesn't have a job and was bored sitting at home...
Even now that he's in prison he's still a frickin pain - always calling up and asking after DD and I, and my pregnancy... Umm, I don't want anything to do with you, I don't want my kids having anything to do with you, I don't want you knowing anything about how I am and you don't have a right to be in the know.

I'm sure DH would say the same about my mother though, he's never got along with her (tbh, she can be a right pain in the backside and that's putting it nicely), and it was especially bad during the first four months of DD's life, when we were living in their house. She didn't realise that she was being overbearing or 'interfering' (as DH called it), she just thought she was being helpful (and I considered a lot of her efforts helpful, as it was my first baby and I had NO idea what I was doing, I was so sleep-deprived and desperate for help)... but after a while it started to grate on me, too.

Eventually, it all came to a head and ended up a big fight that involved DH and I telling her she needed to back off and wait until we asked for help, not do things like barge into our room at 2am when DD started crying - we would wake up and get her and she would just have to listen to DD cry for a minute and grit her teeth and stay in her own room. She was extremely upset and offended, as she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing by offering her help, but the only way to explain to her that she was impinging on our time as a family was to tell her outright that she was overstepping boundaries.
She forgave us after a couple of weeks and since then has been very good about keeping her nose in her own business, and although sometimes she gets a bit carried away about doing things like planning 'sleepovers' and outings with DD, and gets a little offended if we refuse, she understands that it's our right to say where our child will be at any given time, and with whom. For the most part we welcome the break from her, and DD adores having sleepovers and shopping trips with Nanna and Poppy, so it's not much of a big deal. It also helps because DH and I are pretty antisocial and don't go out much, so it's good for her to go out and do things with her grandparents, so it's good for DD to have some time away from us as well, to teach her independence and to be comfortable in unfamiliar surroundings. We know that she's safe and that's the main thing. I know mum is just trying to help us because when my brother and I were babies, her mother lived hours away and her MiL was 'too careful' about being interfering and left her alone too much for her liking. So she's trying to make sure I don't feel isolated or lonely or in need of help but thinking it's not there.

It's a tricky thing to get around the in-laws when it comes to them being a bit overpossessive of your dear little one, and it's important that you don't allow them to establish the habit of basically getting away with unannounced visits and planning things for them without asking first. If DH isn't willing to talk to them, then unfortunately you have to be the bad guy and tell them straight how you want things to work - don't worry, you can always go off your head and let it all out, then blame it on a sleepless night or hormones later on!! They will be pretty upset at first, but sometimes harsh truths are necessary to make a person see that instead of being helpful, they are actually being a hindrance.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Now, I have the opposite issue. But I'm still mad at DH for not supporting me! His mum is allowed to dote on their first grandchild by his brother but not care about Liebling. And I'm not allowed to ask her to help by taking him out to the park for a couple of hours, which she was doing every other day for Niece without being asked.

My mum, on the other hand, was the pushy overbearing one. So we didn't visit and when she did DS had seperation anxiety for so long or whatever. So she'd start doing the frigging ironing or cleaning!

Now, what I'd be doing in your situation is just not answering the phone or opening the door to them. If they do turn up and your DH lets them in, take the baby to the bedroom. If the grab the baby for a cuddle, give the baby a sly pinch and blame seperation anxiety. Eventually you'll train the baby to scream upon seeing grandparents.

I have thrashed out a lot of issues with my mother (eg her giving him foods I had banned because of allergies) and now I can finally trust her, he eventually was baby-sat by her this Christmas just gone. She had been nagging to do this since before he was born, even doing up a little nursery for him. She is now being his grandmother and not his mother, so I am more comfortable. She no longer offers stupid advice but finally acknowledges I know where I'm at with DS. And that if she didn't then she wouldn't have much to do with DS.

On the whole, I prefer the interested to the disinterested PiL I have. Because I can channel my mum into making jumpers! I was furious she wanted to make DS's first birthday cake, she was upset that I wouldn't let her! (DH did it; that's his big thing he likes to do.) And I was telling her to back off all the time; she just got miffed and didn't listen. Actually, the disinterested PiL were a minor godsend, but they were no help whatsoever and that isn't good. But as DS is growing up and he IS ready to have an evening without me then it's great to have a grandma he knows and trusts.

But they should not have the treat of having your child without respecting you. Explain that to your husband and I hope he'll stick up for you, not to spite his family, but just so you both know you can trust his parents with your most precious thing ever.

Good luck.

[mitzy81]

We don't have any children, but I really do feel for you because I know that when we have kids, we will be in the same situation. It drives me nuts. We live IMO too close to DP family. His parents are at our place all the time. It is ok for them, they don't work whereas we work full time, and have a new house which needs work done and would like to get it finished before we have a baby, we have weekends only to ourselves, and normally they come around Saturday, Sunday and normally drop in 2 nights a wk. It woud be ok if it was a half hour visit, but it is normally 4hrs at a time and FIL sits on the couch falling asleep! Can't he do that at his place?! The other week we had an early night, so at 8pm the phone rings... I said don't answer it! So 10mins later...knock knock knock. Even though we didn't answer the phone, they still came around. They were knocking and waited out the front of our place for 15mins! When my parents visit which is very rare, DP goes out, yet when his parents visit I am expected to stay and entertain them! (Mummy's boy). My New Years resolution was to spend less time with the inlaws, so from now on when they visit, that is my walk time, grocery time and visit friends time!

[tk1999]

Peachy, I got a BFP today so will wait and see how my ILs go (and my parents for that matter)

[mitzy81]

Congrats! That is so good to hear... PCOS person also... makes me feel more positive about it all!