You've finished having kids, but does your family feel 'complete'?

[BMCMI]

We have just had our third. We're done but I don't feel complete. It took DF a few months to agree to TTC #3 so I don't like my chances of going for #4.

DF will be getting the snip in the next few months and we'll look into fostering when our youngest is off to school.

[Traveller]

I felt very incomplete after my 2nd baby too. I always wanted 3 children and desperately wanted another but DH said no. It wasn't until we had an accidental pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage that he gave me the ok to try again (the twins were conceived the night he agreed lol).

I did worry that maybe I would just always long for another baby but I can honestly say I am 100% happy with our family now, and would be horrified if I fell pregnant again. In fact I even asked my GP to give me a hysterectomy "just in case" but she wouldn't do it It's a really good feeling actually to not have any desire to have another baby.

[damprye]

I wanted two children but after MrJ, I was uncertain if I really wanted another until I accidently fell pregnant and it ended in m/c. It then took 18months before finally falling pregnant with MrT and I feel complete. I did want a girl when I was pregnant with MrJ and early stages of MrT but I love having two boys and was so hoping for a second little man by the end of my pregnancy. I also got the birth I wanted with MrT which helped a lot. If I do ever welcome another child into my family, I think it will be as a foster parent.

[Butterfly Dawn]

The Dugars that american family on tv- 19 kids and counting. I know its extreme, but...
Maybe some of us arent content til we really know we cant have any more babys.
Everyday here I see people loving babys, everybody kinda shares their babys (except me, Im the stingy foreigner) because most familys only get 1. I see a lot of longing in the faces of mums, dads and grandparents (alot of whom didnt get to raise their own child because they had to go to work and leave their baby with other family). And other people are happy with 1 kid, dont want anymore. Think we are all different. our 3rd has turned our house upside down- but for the better

[Tinks]

I felt 'done' after having my 2nd baby but 3 years later I fell pregnant with my 3rd. After having her I longed for another baby, DH said no so I didn't have any more. I tried to convince him many times over the next couple of years though lol. Now, I'm so glad we didn't have another baby, life would be very different and I'm happy with the way things are now.

[SunnyRain]

Yes, I feel perfectly complete. I've only ever wanted 2, I've never considered more. I don't want more.

I'm very excited about now being able to watch my 2 chickens grow up together. I'm very glad to put the pregnancy and absolute newborn phase behind me for good.

My ob didn't seem convinced when I insisted I was done, I guess he's heard that before. But I am done.

It helps that I know I would get sick again if I was pregnant again with a condition that dramatically increases the chance of stillbirth. No thank you! I am very very very relieved to never have experienced a loss. I'm not tempting fate.

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Jude 07/10/2008 | Lilac 16/06/2011

[Trillian]

It's a really good feeling actually to not have any desire to have another baby.

I totally agree with this! I feel kinda liberated - I can't explain why exactly, but it's certainly a feeling I have. Especially when I see women with young families trudging around with prams and toddlers and all their stuff LOL.

[Kazbah]

We agreed that we'd have 2 kids ... but I'm thinking more and more about a third. Already my husband & I are considering that he'll be 70 when our youngest is 21. And I'll be 60. But ... that feeling of life, of birth. It's amazing. It's not what I ever thought I'd want - to give birth! People at work think I'm batty cause I enjoyed the birth experience, and the baby snuggling my neck ...

[Rach75]

i always wanted 3 and even thought technically I do I only have 2 earthside I am longing for another but hubby says no we are too old now much the same as OP LTTC I think sometimes for jase he is worried what another loss would do too me 8 pg and only 2 earthside babies

[Cass72]

A very wise lady told me that you never regret the ones you have....

[Astrid]

Argh -damn internet keeping on losing my posts.

Another one here whos feels very done and who would also be devastated if we fell pregnant againt (hopefully not as DH has had a vasectomy). DH also feels done, whislt no son, he is happy with our 2 girls.

I love that life is going forward now, we can make decisions like type of car, how many bedrooms, getting rid of the baby stuff etc. I am back at work knowing that I am there for as long as I want. This will sound bad, but to me having babies is a bit like pausing life, well it is a stage of life that is important, but during it other areas stagnant or go backwards. For me, life is no longer paused.

I have hard births and the first 3-6 months are very hard for me due to breastfeeding issues. I also developed a dodgy pelvis. I am pushing 40 and really just don't want to go there again at my age (yes others do, but not for me)

[Freya]

Im a firm believer that if you want 20 kids, you can have 20 kids regardless of financial position etc. That said what we want and whats best for our family are two different things! Some people have different priorities and thats perfectly acceptable.

For us, Dh and I were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. I grew up as one of 3 and I always said I would have a mini bus full of kids. He on the other hand grew up as a pidgeon pair and only really thought MAYBE he might have one kid one day lol So the hash out for what we would compromise on was epic. We ended up deciding two kids with room to reconsider.

I knew after Ds2 that I wasnt done. I always felt like there was something missing. We were discussing #3 when he jumped the gun lol After that, we had a few hurdles and I thought Dh and I were done having kids together. Eventually things sorted themselves out and he was open to discussing #4. 2 surprise pregnancies/losses later he's 100% onboard with ttc #4 next year. We've even discussed the small possibility of 5 kids. That said he has a steady income thats comfortable for us to live on, we already have a big enough car, we're willing to sacrifice things to have that large family.

I think its a never ending battle for some women. Im not entirely sure if I will feel done after #4 or not so I never make promises that I will be. I think I will be head done but not heart done, unfortunately there has to be a line somewhere!

[Diamond Girl]

I have two little boys and have always known I wanted a third. Trying for the third baby has not been a smooth ride for me and I am on my fourth pg since having DS2. This pg may m/c too and if it does I will have to consider stopping at just the two boys. If that happens I will grieve the loss of what could have been, and I know I'll never feel complete, but I guess I'll just have to deal with that somehow.

[Jennifer13]

I'm having these thoughts now. It took DP so long to decide to go for #2 (even though we'd always intended to have two) that I don't think my chances of a third are any good. Plus, I always thought for me three would be one too many (grew up as one as three). The logical side of my head and heart tells me that raising two children will be enough for me, but I know my hormones and emotions would do more. For me too, pg and conception is such an enjoyable and relatively easy experience that there's no moment of pause at that part of it.

But we are happy with the gap we have between these two and I'd want that again. So maybe by the time I'm in my late 30s I will have completely lost the urge! I must admit, as DD1 gets older, I find myself more and more enjoying this different stage - the schooling, the development of a slightly older child and the new social interactions. I often think that if DP hadn't agreed this year, I would have been close to changing my mind, feeling like I'm getting past wanting to do the baby thing again.

I have a few gfs who say they never lost the urge to have more children even when they had made the decision not to have any more, but once they got into their 40s it literally just went away one day. The whole idea of doing it again was unappealing. I think I will probably be like that. DP and I have agreed no vasectomy until we're both in our 40s. Just in case we win lotto!

[Lenny]

I really appreciate all the honest and thoughtful replies.

[Mak]

Lenny - I spent a while thinking I may pine a bit for what might have been ITMS but recently we seem to have moved a bit further away from the baby stage. I am also really not enjoying the almost 3yo tantrums lol. HAving said that I guess I have made the decision to be happy with it and focus on what we do have and the plans for the future. Sounds a bit contradictory from my original post but looking forward to school for DD1 and kinder for DD2 as our challenges for the next year or two!!! xx

[Glamourcide]

I guess it's always been a bit of a no-brainer for me... I always saw myself as being a mum of two, and when DH and I had our D&Ms when we were still just friends, he always said he wanted two kids, and before he was 30, so I guess for us we've been very happy to just be lucky enough to have fulfilled our dreams of a young family - we're living the way we always saw ourselves living since childhood, just now the names, faces and places are all concrete and not just an intention
After DD2 was born, I admit I got pretty clucky and we did discuss having #3, but I think we both knew it was just wishful thinking and we are more practical than that - we do recognise our financial limitations (I know other people do it on tighter budgets, but I hate budgeting!), as well as our physical and emotional limitations. I love my two girls, but goodness me they are FULL ON and I know even if #3 was the most placid child in the world, I'd still not have quite enough arms and brain cells to juggle all three at once! I'd manage, not cope, and I think it's important that I consider the girls I already have instead of focusing on an imaginary boy or girl

In the end, for me, it became a pros vs cons, and when it came to the crunch, the only 'pros' that I could come up with in favour of having another child, was a) to try for a boy (which certainly isn't a guarantee, and until I can access PGD for family balancing, I'm not prepared to take the risk of another girl - already got two of those, don't need another!), and b) finally getting a homebirth (which again, isn't guaranteed). There really were no other 'good' reasons for us to turn our lives upside down.

I still love babies and all that - of course I get clucky when I see tiny babies at the shops or my friends announce that they are expecting! But it's a 'sharing' urge, I'm more than happy to gush over someone else's baby and I don't make the mistake of thinking that those nurturing and loving urges are my heart telling me I want another baby - I don't. I just like to share the love, and what's not to love about babies?! I prefer to focus on all the awesome things I have, the great position I'm in right now, and look forward to the future, instead of eating myself up by focusing on this 'wishful' baby that (hopefully...!) will never come. I love watching my girls growing, my relationship with DH starting a new chapter as we say goodbye to the newborn stage and have more time for ourselves and each other, new possibilities as I apply for uni next year and start thinking about re-entering the workforce after a REALLY long break from paid employment... exciting times ahead! I've always wanted to have babies and be a mum and devote myself to my children, and I feel like I'm doing a good job of that, my maternal instinct is pretty strong... but at the same time, I'm a tad self-absorbed so now I'm glad I can have my body back, I have time to dress up and wear makeup and go out with my friends on weekends and do all that 'me' stuff that I couldn't do when my girls were little or I was pregnant... it's a relief to have that freedom back in some small measure!

I'm sure if I had another baby, I wouldn't regret it in the long run... but I'm definitely not feeling like I'm missing out by not having any more babies. The urge is there at times, I don't really know if any of us feel 100% 'done' - let's face it, pregnancy, birth and new life is such a powerful process and I'm sure we'd do it a thousand times if we could... but I think feeling complete 98% of the time is enough for me to be able to live my life with no regrets and enjoying all the blessings I have

[KimB]

As you can see we have more children than most lol but I can say that I now feel complete. I thought I was done after DS2 but then met my now DF (who didn't have any children). It took a good couple of years for them to talk me around to having any more but now I have 3 more aged 4 and under. We are OFFICIALLY done lol