What happens to the sisterhood when you FF?

[Nelle]

I've never really FF so I'm not qualified to comment on that, but I really am sorry that you feel unsupported at times.

From my experience, when we're offended or unsupported by someone, I really really think it's worth PMing the person in question - they may just have worded something badly, or it's come across wrong, or they've been skimming and missed some details. And I suppose we could say 'well members shouldn't post unless they have time to focus' but if that was our standard I know that I would be around a lot less. Even if they have just been insensitive (and we all make errors of judgement at times), at least give them the chance to apologise.
So that would be my recommendation. For all of us really. PM the person (no matter who they are!) and let them know how their post made you feel and ask if perhaps you misunderstood them?

[Inanna]

I am hearing from these post a real "us & them" attitude. I feel sad to read that.

I feel sad to be reading such an attitude. Such a division made only on the grounds of choices.

You are right KL nobody can make you feel guilty... You choose in every moment how you will feel & react. That is responsibility.

I have never once read on this site that a mother that formula feeds is a "bad" (sic) mother.
I have read a lot about how people feel "bad" (sic) when they read of others touting the miracle of breastfeeding...

What do you all see as a solution to this?

This is a gentle parenting site. It is a site that parents come to to learn more about getting back to basics with regard to conception, pregnancy, birth & parenting.

As such we will always discuss the superiority of breastmilk. We will always discuss the superiority of informed decisions...

Opening threads to have a go at a person in another thread is hurtful - the very thing that was touted as the reason for this thread!

We are never here on BB going to tell anyone that FF is better than breast feeding. That's not going to happen. You will always be given options rather than FF. But at the end of the day if your baby is going to starve - well of course you FF.

The sadness and grief some women feel about the decision to FF needs to be owned and not projected as anger onto those who have tried to support breast feeding.

It needs to be remembered that breastfeeding mothers are in the minority in our country. We as a site want to see that change...

Of course not to the detriment of babies and mothers. However, to silence those that advocate breastfeeding for fear of stepping on toes of ff mothers. Well that too is to the detriment of mothers and babies.

It is like trying to argue that a hot dog is as healthy as a burgen bread salad sandwhich.

I wish everyone peace with their decisions - rather than making this an us and them argument...
__

[Mother Goose]

Opening threads to have a go at a person in another thread is hurtful - the very thing that was touted as the reason for this thread!

I haven't actually interpreted this thread as being designed to have a go at a particular person. More that the OP is crying out for support in their decision. That THEY feel unsupported in FFing. I, as a poster in this thread, feel that those who have replied have not tried to make this into a "them and us" type thread but to support the OP by validating the OP's feelings, sharing their own experiences in how they have perceived they have not been supported (or have been supported), and offering advice on how they have dealt with those feelings. But, that is my interpretation - it can be difficult to interpret the feelings, emotions, and motives behind the words on a screen.

I LOVE the reference to comparing hot dogs and bergan salad sandwhich! gotta work out how to drop that into a conversation with someone I know!

[kirsty_lee]

I haven't actually interpreted this thread as being designed to have a go at a particular person. More that the OP is crying out for support in their decision. That THEY feel unsupported in FFing. I, as a poster in this thread, feel that those who have replied have not tried to make this into a "them and us" type thread but to support the OP by validating the OP's feelings, sharing their own experiences in how they have perceived they have not been supported (or have been supported), and offering advice on how they have dealt with those feelings. But, that is my interpretation - it can be difficult to interpret the feelings, emotions, and motives behind the words on a screen.

:yeahthat:

[TeniBear]

Ohh no... I'm so sorry... I know it wasn't me who said it, but the post you're talking about was in a thread I started If anything I said myself was hurtful, I really am sorry because that wasn't the point of the thread at all. I was just frustrated because my "friend" was acting as if I didn't know anything about being a mum and I couldn't do anything about it...

[Inanna]

Yes NikiW you're right, that was the post that upset me and as much as I thought I had made this conscious decision to nourish my child, rather than let her starve just because she was getting a little breast milk, my heart absolutely aches that it did not work out. Perhaps it was a careless post but it really, really hurt.

That's why I understand this is in response to a post.

I don't think though MG that support is always being told what you want to hear... For me, I don't want to hear that I am making the right choice... No one can know that but me. I think we (this is a sociological view point) as a society look for validation for our choices. I think that is outsourcing our responsibility.

This cannot with authenticity happen from an outside source. We need to make our choices and own them. Own the crappy feelings, own the insecurities...

I don't think it is helpful or wise to blindly support decisions that others make. As such I would never say: "you did the right thing by breast feeding" - for I don't know that mother might be on drugs that are not conducive, may smoke, may drink excessively etc etc...

I can and do and will say that breastmilk is the best milk for babies most of the time. I will also say that breastfeeding can and often is hard work at the beginning. Without dedication & a belief that it is the best thing (and sometimes the only thing) for babies women will often submit to the VERY loud voice of family, media and colloquial "evidence"... My job is, has and always will be to always support the truth that it is the best way.

We are a consumer driven culture. If the boobies don't work we are told to reach for the tin - that all that matters is the baby is fed. I personally reject that as a truth. I don't think that's the only important thing. This is not the thread to go into that. But I am happy to speak more freely in a thread designed specifically for that!

As a breastfeeding mother I resent the oft said line that only a woman who has tried to BF and had to resort to a tin can know the trials.

I challenge that view with my own personal experiences.

Again - this is not the thread for that.

[Trillian]

I think the main point that a lot of people are missing is that you can support someone 100% but at the same time not agree with what they are doing. This applies to life in general too. Its like having a friend who you know is making choices for herself that you would never do and don't agree with, but because she is your friend you support her 100% because thats what friends do for each other. Just because you may not have people agreeing that formula is the best thing since sliced bread doesn't mean that they don't support you, because support is so much more than just agreeing with you. So when someone says "I support you" and then in the next breath espouses the virtues of BF, that doesn't mean they don't support you (although their timing is crap LOL).

And I agree with Inanna 100% in her post. BB is first and foremost a gentle parenting forum and that encompases BF as a major part of it, but it is also a place for support because no one could be so cruel to shun a mother when she is struggling. We all know that not everyone has a wonderful support system that helps them through the rough patch and an online community can only do so much for someone. I know myself that I have always felt 100% supported when it comes to feeding my baby even though it's not what the site advocates, or heck, even what I advocate myself, and that's what the sisterhood really is. Unconditional support even when you dont always agree.

[Visitor3]

And I FF my first child (after many struggles), so I do know what it's like to feel the disappointment that goes along with not breastfeeding. At the end of the day own your choices, and allow others to feel happy in the choices they have made for themselves. Just because someone is happy about BF'ing doesn't mean they are attacking your, same for if someone doesn't like the idea of FF'ing.

I absolutely adored breastfeeding so why on earth would I choose to FF over something that felt so nurturing and loving to me ??? I am ecstatic for anyone who BF but having your beautiful child fall asleep at your breast while you feed her, I mean it must be the most wonderful thing on earth and not something I chose not to experience? I wasn't hurt because Kelly had experienced that, that would be totally silly.

It made me feel like crap.

[Gigi]

pretty butterfly - you know i am still bf-ing bilby, so i can't say i have been in your shoes with this one.

but i did feel similarly with
- having a emergency c-section when i had my heart set on a drug free homebirth
- the post c-section complications that stopped me using slings/carriers

both where things i felt passionately about (just like you wanted to bf)
both where things that ended up, decided for me, out of my control
i felt like a failure in both instances
and constantly reading about
- successful home, drug free waterbirth stories
- mums using slings.carriers all the time
really did get under my skin.
i'm sure i read plenty of comments, from people doing these things, extolling their virtures, that put "salt in my wound".
They weren't to know my individual circumstances
How hard to tried to make these things happen, but they didn't

I have had a "journey" with bf-ing.
It wasn't easy.
So when i talk to women about bf-ing, i try to slip in "i feel very fortunate that i was able to do it (product milk) and that bilby was able to breastfeed (able to suck)". cos i DON"T take it dfor granted, either that we would be able to do it, or that every other woman is able to do it.

i see it as an IDEAL.
(just like the water home birth, and the using baby slings, were ideals for me also).

mothering seems like a lucky dip to me.
i researched and aimed at different things.

some worked out
(using cloth nappies, breastfeeding)
both took time, effort and constant learning

some didn't work out
(natural birth, slings, EC-ing)
regardless of how much i researched, life intervened.

so i really hope, none of my pro-bf-ing comments have upset you hon, to me, bf-ing is something to AIM for, something to TRY, but it is not suitable for every baby, not suitable for every mum, not suitable for every family (support from your dh and relatives is very important, to make a go of it i think).

if something i said upset you, please PM me, i would like the chance to explain, make it better, apologise etc.

i still feel devastated that i didn't have the natural birth experience, so much emotion attached to these things, so i get why you are upset about wanting to bf and things not working out, to carry out that wish/plan/desire.

Breast may be best, but formula was invented for a reason.
BF-ing is not always possible, and in those cases, babies still need to survive.
Formula is a brilliant invention for those instances.
i have met some mums in this boat, for whom it took a long time to find a formula that their bub's stomache could handle, so it's not an easy alternative. I know a particular bub whose mum tried a Holle organic formula and that one her tummy could handle.

Whether you feed formula way or breast way, you need support.

i've been dissed plenty of times FOR breastfeeding bilby. Very upsetting. Been told, ever since she was 5 months old, "Why isn't she on FF"? even by medical professionals!!

so WHATEVER you do, support is needed.

it seems, as soon as you have a child, EVERYONE and their dog feels like they can force their opinon on you! it's really hard! especially to cope with those words, when you are tired, overwhelmed with looking after a baby etc.

but people who love you, people who count, will think before they speak, take the time to find out WHY you are doing what you are doing. The truth is, whatever you do for your child, you HAVE thought about to the nth degree, you know your own history. i know it's exhauting explaining that to all and sundry. Choose your battles. Only explain it to people that it's worth explaining to (not just one-offs who you will never see again).

your child
your body
your decision

if it's too painful to talk about it, think of a comeback to use, to brush them off, or just change topic. "This is what works for us". "We tried our best, and this is what we need to do". whatever works/suits you to say.

you only have SO MUCH emotional energy, conserve it for things that matter (like explaining the situation to someone you WILL have an ongoing r;ship with, who really needs to know).

thinking of you.