DD1 - 48 hrs after first contraction, I had emerg c-section and DD1 was put in a humi crib for the next 12 hours. No skin on skin and I didn't attempt to BF for about 24 hrs. I had lost a lot of blood and was recovering slowly and my milk wasn't coming in. I was given motilium but on day 3 the MW's advised me to comp feed and express. In hindsight I should have waited longer. They also told me to feed every 4 hrs and I didn't know about demand feeding.
Discharged from hospital I got a breast pump and formula and we fed every 3-4 hours, then comp feed then express, an hours sleep then back to it again. DH had to work and DD1 cried all the time. By 4 weeks we were exhaused, she hadn't reached birth weight and DH and I were stressed out. We were admitted into hospital for failure to thrive and put her on FF only. The LC offered to talk to me about continuing to BF but in my mind it was only connected to the problems we'd been having.
DD2
I regretted that decision so when I was preg with DD2 I had found BB and researched about BF and joined ABA
Birth was another c-section but empowered this time, on my terms and DD2 was placed naked onto my naked chest immediately after birth. She crawled to my breast, attached perfectly and fed for the next hour. From then on I demand fed, DH stayed home for three weeks, both my mum and MIL came over often to help and we had MW and CYH come round to help with feeding.
At the 2 weeks a mark was noticed on my left nipple, I saw a specialist who put me into breast surgery when DD2 was 4 weeks old. A lot of people expected me to wean but I was determined not to interrupt our great feeding. So for the next two weeks I expressed from that side and fed only from the right, giving the EBM top ups, refusing to let DH buy formula. I was able to reintroduce that side and we kept going
At 7 months I had to go back to full time work. Again I refused to wean so DH brought DD2 to work and I would feed her in my breaks, or if he couldn't then she was given EBM. at about 10 months I dropped the day feeds and she started having FF but I fed her if I was around.
I recently had to go away for 5 days so I chose to wean. We slowly reduced feeds from 3 a day, to 2 then 1. I didn't have any problems and DD2 didn't complain at all. I was able to feed her for 1 year 2 months, 4 weeks.
Kameron - I breast fed for the first 4 months, when I introduced solids and combined solids with breast feeding until 6mths. He was switched to formula at 6mths due to lack of weight gain and he soon filled out.
Lachlan - I breast fed for 4 weeks. Looking back now I had mild depression, probably stemming for the rough birth I had with him and the "what may have been" situations I played over in my head. Lachlan was feeding every 2 hours day and night. The doctor said to me "you need to sleep" and advise me to go onto formula. I did and Lachlan started sleeping longer, which meant so did mummy.
Ashton - I breast fed up until 8mths old and introduced solids at 6mths old.
So I've done it all, and if I had to do it again I'd probably do the exact same thing.
I BF DD exclusively for the first 4 or 5 days, i wasnt shown how to attach her in the hossy (just had a midwife glance and say yeah thats fine) and DD was getting more blood out than milk (even though i had tonnes of milk i was like a jersey cow). so i decided to try bottle feeding EBM seeing as i had so much milk (i could easily get 100ml out of each boob 4 hourly) but as most of you know not being 'allowed' anyone to visit and help me (banned by XP) and dealing with XPs manic episodes i was utterly exahusted. As soon as i gave DD a bottle she settled, i settled a bit and i felt alot better. When i got admitted to the MBU i was keen to re establish BFing, i wanted to be a good mum and do all the 'right' stuff eg BFing, but was put onto anti psychotic medication which does not allow for BFing. i think my mental health was more important than proving a point to myself.
Thanks Maz, and everyone for sharing
Here's mine to add to the collection:
I researched everything, from conception to birth, and stopped there. Didn't think to look into breastfeeding at all - I would just Do It. It's natural, and everyone does it, right? How hard can it be, boob in baby's mouth = breastfeeding! right?? I had a vague awareness that some people find it tough with supply issues, so I had the lactation cookie recipe handy in case i needed it.
I have been very, very fortunate that I had a very easy smooth conception, pregnancy and birth (though I was induced, there were no complications) We breastfed straight after all the weighing and checks were done, and I was so so happy.
Never once did a midwife ever check his attachment, nor did I ask. He was sucking from my boob, I had an abundance of milk, and he was gaining loads of weight. It must have been right!
But alas, around day 7 my nipples were in agony. The next night I sent DH to the 24hr chemist to get me a pump so i could give my poor nipples a break. He came home empty handed because the poor dear didn't know what to get and the lady at the chemist was trying to sell him the most expensive electric pump that we just couldn't justify paying for. I kept at it for another day, then broke down again the next night, this time sending DH to the 24hr chemist for nipple shields. As soon as I had them on and feeding, it was instant relief, i was over the moon thinking i had found the answer to all my problems.
Then 2 days later the pain was suddenly even worse than before. I was sobbing all day by now, going from extreme happiness and feeling able to conquer the world, to the lowest of lows and being afraid at the thought of ever being capable of leaving my house ever again. My DH couldn't stand seeing me like this . I now noticed blood in my nipple shields, when I managed to get up the guts to put my DS to my breast. Then on day 13, in the morning before my DH left for work, I was attempting to feed my baby when a piece of my nipple came off in the shield That was it, I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't look at my baby with the love and adoration I SHOULD have been feeling. Instead I was looking at this thing that was mine, yet was torturing me. I felt/feel awful for thinking this. We hopped in the car, and headed back to the chemist for formula. I had one bottle at home, so used that for our first feed and went out on my own later and stocked up on the whole system. DS took to the bottle beautifully, nothing fazed him. Nothing still does, but thats the placid baby that he is.. I felt like a failure..Still do, really, so many 'what-ifs' and 'should haves' still run through my head..Next time I'll get it right I know FF saved my sanity and possibly saved me from PND, so for that I am grateful.
Oh, and a not-so-happy end to my story - after stopping feeding, i developed 2 bouts of mastitis with temps up to 42 degrees, and stubborn me thought i could fix it and didn't go to the doctors til it was too late the lump in leftie was so big and hard, I had 2 lots of ultrasound therapy and strong antibiotics. I was so confused as to what to do - some people said hot packs and massage, others said ice packs. My Ob said to wear a tight bra and don't touch it. Well, that worked a treat cos on my birthday (5 weeks post birth) the lump erupted into an enormous bubble of pus on my chest, which then started to leak. I had an abscess. Ended up in emergency and being admitted for 2 nights, and having it surgically drained. I now have a lovely scar to remind me of my stupidity. I haven't had the heart to look into whether this will affect bfing any future children...
This is my ost from another thread that got removed - just coz it was in the wrong section (nothing offensive in it or anything, don't worry), so here it is.
When pregnant I was SO prepared to BF...joined the ABA, got books, support, researched pumps in case I went back to work, had everything sorted. This was really hard for me to do - to see my breasts as a food source - becuase sexual abuse as a child has taught me something very different, and I find it hard to even be naked in the shower.
Straight after Palmer was born I went into ICU for 4 days and didn't hold her until my last day there (and even then she felt like she was made of stone, I was weak and still had heaps of tubes in my arms, which made it awkward) - when I was able to sit up and move into normal postnatal ward. I hardly even saw her for those 4 days, as I was rather 'out of it' while in ICU.
As a result, Palmer was FF by the nurses during this time.
My first night in ICU, I had a night nurse who terrified me. She a walking stereotype - had no bra on, boobs down to her knees and proudly told me she was still BF her 6 year old and worked nights so she could go to school to feed him. She kept me awake the entire night, sitting by my bed, telling me that by FF my baby I was poisioning her, and she would quite literally die. Palmer was vommiting some mucous (which I learnt later is apparently not uncommon when a baby has a traumatic birth) and she told me that this was proof that the formula was killing her. This is no stretch...this is literally what she said to me.
The next morning, a senior doctor paid me an unexpected visit and apologised for the nurse's behaviour and said that it was way out of line. He was clearly ashamed and angry. At the time I told him it didn't matter, but she's ben stuck in my head ever since.
Once I was in postnatal, and during my 4 week stay at the MBU, I pumped like a cow in a milking station. Palmer was hard to feed on the bottle even, as she would often fall dead asleep to the point that even the MBU nurses would say "Go back to bed Amanda, we'll try to feed her for you" after watching me struggle with her feeding constantly. I never got a drop of milk from my breasts, and Palmer wasn't interested in the least. I started getting sweats and fevers at the MBU and they said that maybe my milk was finally coming in, but it turned out that I just had Pneumonia.
It WOULD be nice if BF was easy for everyone. Sometimes it's not even easy for other mammals - I've seen many a purebred dog struggle with feeding her pups, and needing human intervention. I AM envious of my friends who easily BF...they tak about the milky smell, the close bond with their baby, the joy for both them and child...
Maybe we should sometimes count our blessings that we have Formula as an option. 100 years ago, I would have bled to death having Palmer, and if she didn't have a wet nurse to go to, she would have died too. Formula feeding WAS NOT easy...lots of constipation problems and tummy pain involved for Palmer, going through different brands of formula and etc. It's not cheap either. I hated causing her tummy pain and hated seeing her not being able to poo...and later, when she went of cow's milk after she turned one, I hated seeing that like me, she cannot handle dairy, and had unstoppable runny, stinky poo and pain.
I understand that some people choose FF becuase it is the easy way out, but I personally know no one who has done so for this reason.
I had desperately wanted to feed dd. I naively thought I didn't need to learn anything before hand I would get all the help I needed in hossy. After the birth I asked the nurse if I could feed her. She looked at me like I was an idiot. As if to say why would you want to do that? So she gave me a fully cocooned dd and put her to my boob... Of course dd just screamed. There was nothing gentle or comforting to her. The same nurse took me to my room and I asked again. This time she said"you won't be able to feed with those nipples you have to use a shield but they won't work til your milk comes in" goodness knows what I was meant to do in the mean time. I was so overcome with it all, bawling my eyes out when I lovely nurse came and said we will just give her some formula tonight you can try tomorrow. I felt relief knowing at least my baby would eat! Dd ended up with jaundice and in SCN, I ended up expressing. She would have a bit of a go at feeding with a shield but I had lost ALL confidence, questioning myself constantly. I wasn't expressing enough to feed her to flush the jaundice so she was having formula too. We took a tin home and she had formula until I could express enough for full feeds, this took about 3 weeks. I had help from the ABA but I was comfortable with expressing. I then continued expressing exclusively until she was 10 months. I was very proud of that but it was a relief to be free from the pump. I stopped because I was returning to work and really felt I had given dd a good start. She went back on to formula then.
With this baby I intend to BF, I will do classes and have DH offering support and saying he will make sure we get to do a breast crawl (bless him) but if we have troubles I will use formula again and assess whether I can do the expressing thing again. I have to see how we all are coping.
With my first I fed until she was 4 weeks. I had a 24hr induced labour that ended in an emergency c-section. I was so drugged and out of it I don't even remember her first feed. I remember coming around sometime during the middle of the night to find a baby attached to my breast (by a midwife) and then I passed out again. I didn't see my baby properly until the following morning. We continued on for the next month, but Tiana was a difficult baby (she screamed all the time - no exaggeration) Although she attached fine it hurt all the time, probably because I was tense because she just kept screaming. The only way she would sleep was on me and that was in 20 min blocks. Feed time would come and I would start crying. In the end I gave her a bottle of EBM to give me a break and she refused the breast. As awful as this is, I was relieved. Giving her formula meant that someone else could hold her for a while. My DH supported me and gave me 5 hours of sleep a night. This meant that I could cope the rest of the day. I was diagnosed with anxiety/ PND the following week and Tiana was difficult for the first year. At 4 she has just started sleeping through the night (sometimes) and is still a high maintenance child. But I love her more than anything!
This time around I had a spontaneous labour which resulted in a VBAC. We were all a lot calmer and she was able to try feeding within half an hour. She attached well and we are still going strong! We have had minor issues, sore breast and nipples, the usual I just want to sleep things but I am still on my meds this time and able to manage. Phoebe also sleeps much better We are still feeding now - she has never had formula! I hope to continue til she is one.
I felt so guilty the first time for putting DD1 on formula. I still feel a bit that way but it was the best thing for us and she is a happy healthy 4 year old who is always smiling! I did the best thing for my family
I had every intention of BF DD for approx 12 mths. (not sure why this 'magic' number) I remember whilst pg & holding other peoples babies, everyone said how 'natural' I would be as a mum. This was repeated to me when I was BF my DD in the hospital bed.
My milk took a little while to come in & I was expressing to try to encourage/increase my supply but remember feeling rather dejected when I could only manage to express approx 2ml at a time. DD was a difficult one to attach too. She would clamp down on my nipples, rather than open her mouth then close over the nipple/areola. I saw a LC in hospital as I was worried but she checked my attachment & said it was fine - she just kept pushing my shoulders down b/c I tended to hunch them up? DD was a large sleeper during the day but would wake constantly at night to the point where I would be BF her for up to an hour at a time, she'd fall asleep on the breast and as soon as I put her in her crib, she would wake & scream. I become very exhausted quickly and was feeling a little overwhelmed. MW's decided it would be best to start topping her up with formula due to weight loss, all the while I was still trying to BF & express. The other thing which I think contributed to deciding on FF DD was the conflicting advice and lack of encouragement and support for BF. Whilst I attended the BF class in hospital prior to DD being born, it is a different story to actually BF! I had some MV's telling me to demand feed, others telling me to feed 3-4 hourly - in the end I was just overwhelmed and getting confused. I also developed mastitis and cracked/bleeding nipples whilst in hospital.
The day I got discharged from hospital, DH & I made a decision to FF DD exclusively. It was the most gut wrenching decision I have made & ended up being referred to a psychologist as they thought I developed PND (turned out I had anxiety issues from my rocky BF experience). I guess from my POV I put far too much pressure on myself to be this 'natural' mum who could do it all and when I fell into difficulty with BF I felt I was failing my DD. I remember for about 4 months after DD was born I went over & over in my head about re-establishing BF but never did it.
I don't feel guilty or like I failed DD now. We did as a family what was best for all of us involved and looking back I wouldn't have changed anything. I think if I had continued to BF I would have possibly developed severe anxiety/PND.
I will definately try to BF my next bubs, but demand more support this time
I think the key part in all of this is that nobody appears to have completely dismissed breast feeding as an option. There seems to be a recurring theme of "I wanted to, but..." But most importantly - each and every person in this thread has made the best decision for their family at that time.
I'm also struck by the number of people who were incorrectly told that they had the wrong shaped nipples or whatever to be able to breastfeed. I was (incorrectly) told that I have "perfect breastfeeding breasts". Erm. Nope. I have tubular breasts and there's a give away in the shape of them that means I'll never be able to breast feed adequately for any significant length of time. But nobody spotted it.
Maz, thanks. What a great thread. I just posted a new thread in the breastfeeding support about whether or not to give FF a go. It's great to read others stories.....I will still change my mind at least a dozen times between now and tonight and continue to feel guilty but it helps to know I'm not alone in this.
with ds1, i bf him untill arround 3.5 months, it got to the point he just wasnt satisfied, i would be up for 2 hours at at time constantly feeding him at night id be lucky to get half hour sleep befor he was up again. i tried to stick at it as long as i could, but spent the best part of 2 weeks in tears because he just wasnt satisfied, i decided it would be for the best to put him on formula, FIL requested to take him for the first day and night so his tummy could adjust with out stressing me out (as one of dfs siblings didnt take to formula at first) it was hard letting him go, df even confiscated the phone as i was trying to call every 5 mins to check on him! when he came back to me (when i was allowed home, df n i had to spend some "US" time with friends) the next afternoon, he was my happy content little boy again, who would have the one feed and go to sleep after instead of scream for more!
ds2, was fed for 6 weeks, very upset about this one!!! but it was out of my controll. i went to a doctor about sever pain in my lower back, she gave me some pain killers, told me it was muscle strain from lifting the boys, and to get formula so bub wasnt affected by the drugs in my milk. i didnt take them, but got the formula just in case i couldnt bare it. i went back to her a week later, having not taken the pain killers, and refrained as much as possible from picking the kids up, but the pain was worse, she gave me endone and sent me for a ct scan to as she put it "prove to me nothing was wrong" i ended up not taking the endone, as i was determined to feed ds2 even if that ment putting up with the pains. i ended up in hospital, the "muscle strain" turned out to be gall stones, he was put on formula when i was taken to hospital, i ended up having my gallbladder removed, and in hospital for a week on morphine for the pain (witch i was still trying to refuse the whole time being there!) i realy wanted to feed him when i got home, but was scared of passing the pain meds onto him, so continued with the formula.
dd was bf untill 3.5-4 months i ended up putting her on formula for the same reasons as ds1, but befor i got to the point that i did with ds1.
im hoping to feed this one untill at least 6 months, and am confident that if i feed myself properly i will be able to keep up the bf! after all how can you feed and nourish a baby if your not keeping a good track on your own food? well thats what we think was the problem befor!
Great thread I have been struggling with the decision to FF and reading this has helped me.
DD was born 6 weeks early and was small even for her gestation when she came out. She arrived via emergency c-section after movement dropped right off and aside from about 30 seconds where my DH brought her to meet me I didn't meet her properly for 14 hours after she was born. She spent 3 weeks in the NCU and despite constant attempts and help from the midwives there we just never managed to get breastfeeding. She just couldn't latch on and at first they said it was due to her size and that it would come as she grew but it didn't happen.
Dilligently I expressed. Every three hours around the clock and I hated it. When DD came home we kept trying to breastfeed without success. I was still expressing - for up to an hour at a time and every three hours, and with a new baby at home to look after it almost broke me. I would wake up, change her, feed her, pump, go back to sleep for maybe an hour and then the whole process would start again. My DH helped but it was just too much and I became so resentful of organising my life in three hour chunks. Eventually I started trying to talk to DH about FF but I struggled. I had really had my heart set on bf and he wanted me to bf too. I had thought I was going in for this whole 'earth mother' thing and it just wasn't working out that way and with everything everyone had to say about how wrong it was to FF I was feeling horribly guilty. In a desperate attempt to get bf going we went to a full day lactation clinic but once we got home we couldn't get going again and in a tearful moment we decided it was time to transition to formula.
Eventually we realised that there was no way the routine we had to follow to keep up giving her EBM was sustainable and we decided to switch over. Two days later and I have been put on medication for something unrelated and as it turns out I would have had to stop BF anyway, so I do feel a bit better about it.
DD1 - struggled at every attachment, got very stressed out, she lost more than 10%, hospital threatened to keep me in. Got sent home with instructions to try to attach at each feed, then feed formula then express. Took 1.5 hours each feed. After two weeks, still could not attach her. Expressed for two months instead.
DD2 - exactly the same scenario except that I tried to attach her for three weeks, eight times per day, every day for three weeks. I was lucky if I was able to attach her once every few days. LC didn't give any reason as to why I found it so difficult, just to "keep trying". With an active toddler running around, it was very difficult to find time to express and give top-ups. Stopped trying at three weeks and stopped expressing too. At seven weeks randomly found information that indicated that I had large nipples, hence the reason why I was having difficulty attaching. On the spur of the moment, tried to attach again. Easy as pie. But had no milk having not fed or expressed. So relactated - some success and comp fed through a supply line till dd was five months old and needed more than you can fit in a supply line.
I sometimes think that I should write all that on a handout and give it to people when they ask me about feeding!
Last edited by fionas; January 12th, 2011 at 11:49 AM.
Oh, it has been good to read these stories... thank you so much for sharing.
I was determined to give bf a red hot go. Mum couldn't bf my sister or me, and my sister, after trying to bf DS for 3 weeks but switching to FF due to low lactation, FF her 2 DDs from the start. So I thought perhaps I would have issues but would try my best. I did.
Had a beautiful, natural, drug free labour and birth (largely thanks to education gleaned from this site!) - best possible start for DD... who screamed the house down for the first hour of her life - lying on my tummy squalling her little lungs out at the indignity of being naked I think (she's 8 weeks now and only JUST tolerates nakey time). The middie asked if I'd like help bf - I said yes, as DD arrived 15 days early I missed my booked bf class by 2 days! So she sort of put her on my boob, DD had a bit of a nibble, but that was it. Over the next few days in hospital, every time I went to the nursery I saw someone different and had conflicting advice. One person said she had a high palate - she doesn't. Some said she was quite little and I had big nipples - my nipples are normal but yes, DD's mouth was a little small. We were kept in for an extra day as she lost too much weight due to low lactation and was becoming jaundiced - I so wanted to get home that I put her on every time she moved and ended up with cracked nipples and had to express and comp feed. BUT I got to take my baby home the next day.
We came home comp feeding, and it seemed that every few days threw up a new challenge - I have dealt with cracked nipples, nipple shields, thrush - but happy days, we finally got to exclusive breast feeding, with a lot of support from my belly buddies thread ladies, an LC, and my wonderful DH. It was tiring, but I could see that she was gaining weight, and as she grew, so did her little mouth and her attachment improved out of sight. It was wonderful to see the MCHN and have her say, "So how long are you planning on breastfeeding?" I was stumped - I had planned to give it a shot, and hey, I was doing it! She explained how it all works with feeding upon return to work etc and it sounded doable, so I thought I'd aim for 12 months. Easy!
Just before new year, DD started to get very unsettled and grizzly. I thought it was just the 6 week mark - wonder week But she was also getting very listless and she wasn't thriving. So we started comping again... and she started sleeping again. Not me though - I had the routine of bf as long as possible, top up EBM or FF, then expressing, then sterilising everything and preparing the next top up... then it would start again. I tried Fenugreek and the lactation cookies - delicious! But apparently it wouldn't work for me. DD would still stay on the breast for ages (loves to comfort suck, does my little girl), but was taking more and more "top up". I was still offering the breast every feed, but I could feel that they were not filling up again. Her last bf was last Wednesday night, one day shy of 8 weeks. I offered her the breast on Thursday - she latched (gee she got so good at it!) but then dropped it and looked at me quizzically. So now my little girl is a FF baby.
I'm really proud of what I gave her - as my Mum pointed out, it's 8 weeks more breastmilk than I ever got, and Mum and I are very close, so I know that this is not an impediment to my bond with my little girl. In fact, we now have more awake time together as we're not both completely exhausted post-feed. She is growing beautifully and all I want is for her to be healthy and happy, which she wasn't while she was hungry and tired all the time. I could not have persisted with bf as long as I did without my DH. I am mostly at peace with this but I still have tears in my eyes as I type! Silly I know. I also know that I'll give bf a go next time around, and hope to continue a bit longer.
I don't feel guilt - I can't feel guilty about giving my baby the nourishment she needs. But I am my own worst enemy - have always been very critical of myself - and while I don't feel like a failure per se, I feel like the body that carried her and birthed her so well and so efficiently has kind of ... given up? I don't want to say failed... I guess some people have trouble conceiving, some people have trouble during pregnancy, some people have trouble during labour/delivery, some people have trouble bf. Some have it all, some have none of it. Everyone's journey is different - this is mine, with this child.
Having tubular hypoplastic breast syndrome affected my BF journey
With DD, she was excusively BF for the first 5 days in hospital and I thought we were doing well, until she became extremely unsettled from day 3 onwards and when she was weighed on day 5 had lost more than 10% of her birthweight. The middies discovered that my milk had not come in. I was promptly put on the pump and DD given a formula feed. From then on I hired a hospital grade pump and expresed and gave DD formula top ups, but my milk never really came in. Could barely express 20mls even after 3 weeks so gave up and put DD exclusively on formula. I felt like a complete failure.
With DS was really determined to give BF another go. I did a BF course and was a lot more educated thanks to BB etc. Fed bub very regularly in hosie to try to stimulate supply but the same thing was happening, despite him being a champ at BF and sometimes being on the breast for up to 2 hours at a time, still no milk from me. He was very jaundiced, dehydrated and lost too much weight. From day 4 I was put on the pump and had to give him formula top ups. On the day i came home from hossie I hired my own LC and we put a plan into place to see what I was capable of. Every feed for the next week I would BF, then FF top up, then express to stimulate suppy (a grueling routine with a NB and a toddler!). Plus I was taking herbal remedies to boost supply plus 6 motilium per day. one week later the LC bought around her baby scale and I had to weigh DS straight before and straight after each BF and the difference in Grams indicated the number of ML's he'd just gotten from a BF. It was found I still had very little supply. I was subsequently diagnosed with tubular hypoplastic breast syndrome - where not enough milk producing tissue formed during puberty.
I continued to express (the small amount I could get) and mix feed DS for 8 weeks, before switching fully to formula.
I felt much better knowing I had done the best I could.
If I have a 3rd I think I will BF for the first week so bub gets colustrum but then switch to formula.
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I had a vague awareness that some people find it tough with supply issues, so I had the lactation cookie recipe handy in case i needed it.
. I now noticed blood in my nipple shields, when I managed to get up the guts to put my DS to my breast. Then on day 13, in the morning before my DH left for work, I was attempting to feed my baby when a piece of my nipple came off in the shield 
That was it, I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't look at my baby with the love and adoration I SHOULD have been feeling. Instead I was looking at this thing that was mine, yet was torturing me. I felt/feel awful for thinking this. We hopped in the car, and headed back to the chemist for formula. I had one bottle at home, so used that for our first feed and went out on my own later and stocked up on the whole system. DS took to the bottle beautifully, nothing fazed him. Nothing still does, but thats the placid baby that he is.. I felt like a failure..Still do, really, so many 'what-ifs' and 'should haves' still run through my head..Next time I'll get it right 
I know FF saved my sanity and possibly saved me from PND, so for that I am grateful. 
the lump in leftie was so big and hard, I had 2 lots of ultrasound therapy and strong antibiotics. I was so confused as to what to do - some people said hot packs and massage, others said ice packs. My Ob said to wear a tight bra and don't touch it. Well, that worked a treat cos on my birthday (5 weeks post birth) the lump erupted into an enormous bubble of pus on my chest, which then started to leak. I had an abscess. Ended up in emergency and being admitted for 2 nights, and having it surgically drained. I now have a lovely scar to remind me of my stupidity. I haven't had the heart to look into whether this will affect bfing any future children...
yarrawin
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